Today is the worst day so far

[sadinnc98]

I read on there how people have said the pain with this gets worse before it gets better... indeed it does and it hasn't even been a week. I have tried so hard to go out with friends and keep busy, but I just can't wait to get home when I do go out.

I hurt like there is a hole in my soul... . I don't know how to describe it.  You would think with 30 recycles that I would be glad that he hasn't come back yet this time. I am pretty certain he has already met someone and this is like twisting the knife. I kept picturing him out with someone, holding her hand, choosing a drink for her, making sure she knows she is the most beautiful and special girl around... probably got flowers today and an awesome text message this morning. I cannot even fathom touching another man, dating, etc... .

My friends don't understand why I care. They think I should be glad he is gone, and glad that I won't have to deal with the torment, disappointment, ignoring and constant let down and broken promises... . but I miss the guy I fell in love with. Miss our dates, great conversations, chemistry and connection.  Yesterday would have been our one year anniversary. I can't remember ever hurting this badly other than when he broke our engagement via text.

He sent me a text yesterday asking if I cancelled my tattoo appt on Friday (long story but I was going to get a little butterfly to cover up an old one from college and he was supposed to go with me). I just answered: Yes    I thought maybe it was a way for him to reopen the door... but apparently not and it hurt really bad when he didn't write anything else...

I, like others, wonder if he will be different in the next relationship-maybe someone that is better suited for him  Hurts so bad to think of him with someone else.

[Emelie Emelie]

Hello Sad... . I can relate to everything you're saying. And the thought of them with someone else is excruciating. I get a physical pain in my chest every time I think of it. And yes... . I'm feeling worse as time goes on. We only had one recycle which was two mOnths before this break uP. And thIngs got worse in those two mOnths. I'm sorry for your pain. Hang in there.

[simplyasiam]

sad i know just how your feeling, i know it dosent help to read that but its true.

i was with the ex 6 year recycled at least 10 times. you have to keep in mind its a cycle for them just a matter of if you are a part of it or not.

im not sure how long you were with him but i can tell you for sure the pain of what they do gets worse for us all the time.

its sucks that the breakup is something we have to deal with almost on our own.

plz dont blame yourself or 2nd quess yourself nothing you could have done would have changed this.

keep in mind atleast you know your not being cheated on today noone is going to leave you today

ill be praying for you

[fromheeltoheal]

It's said that it takes half as long as the relationship lasted to grieve it's demise and move on.  I've been NC for as long as the relationship lasted, and things are much, much better.  I went through long stages of ruminating, anger, depression, bewilderment, that relationship got the best of me, both during and after, but it takes what it takes, and we can't speed it up, although I'd wished I could have.  The best lessons take time to learn apparently.

So although there is no set time frame, you might try and reset your sights a little down the road as far as getting over him, and one thing that helped and continues to help is focus on the future, a bright one of your creation, and especially since you will focus on the past right now, maybe against your will, it really helps to consciously focus forward.  Strength to you!

[sadinnc98]

Thank you everyone for responding to me. I don't know why this breakup has been so extremely difficult as compared to others.  I just really ache inside. I keep trying to stay busy, but its super tough. I know you all can relate.

[Emelie Emelie]

It is tough. And it is much worse than any other break up. Tougher than my divorce. I am trying to remind myself I was constantly getting hurt while in the relationship. This pain will go away... . or at least dull... . at some point. If I stayed with him (not that he'd have me) the pain would never end. And this pain is horrible. It has to end.

[eternity75]

Hi sad,

I am sorry for your pain. I thought I was doing great since day 1 and 2 seemed to bring a feeling of relief... . I thought that would continue. But maybe I was in denial because after that confusion set in followed by overwhelming feelings of pain and missing him. Sometimes I think I want to die rather than experience anymore of this pain. Pain seems to be the story of my life... . a story I am coming to hate. But it's helping to work out some of my thoughts on this board. I have no one else to turn to. My friends would say the same as yours (I haven't even told them I ended it yet, because I don't want to hear them congratulate me... . or tell me I deserve better... . or say I should be happy and get over it because he was only hurting me). The people I would normally turn to in this circumstance are clueless as to what has happened or what's going on with me. I might get a text or phone call from a friend asking me what's new or how I'm doing. "I'm fine... . nothing's new" is always my answer. The sadness and pain is unbearable some days and I feel so alone with it all.

All I know is like physics, what goes up must come down... . and what goes down must come up. The world is one of constant change and ups and downs. And it comforts me a little bit knowing this feeling will not last for ever. Eventually my mood will come back up... .

"It's said that it takes half as long as the relationship lasted to grieve it's demise and move on." I have never heard this before and when I read it all I thought was OMG. My first relationship was 8 years with an NPD/BPD. For 4 years afterwards I didn't think about dating... . I spent 4 years first being insanely depressed and sad then being numb, then not caring at all about him, and finally feeling like I could rebuild myself and start dating again. I had no idea about the 1/2 as much time as the relationship to get over it thing!

[fromheeltoheal]

"It's said that it takes half as long as the relationship lasted to grieve it's demise and move on." I have never heard this before and when I read it all I thought was OMG. My first relationship was 8 years with an NPD/BPD. For 4 years afterwards I didn't think about dating... . I spent 4 years first being insanely depressed and sad then being numb, then not caring at all about him, and finally feeling like I could rebuild myself and start dating again. I had no idea about the 1/2 as much time as the relationship to get over it thing!

Don't get hung up on the number though; matters of the heart and psyche don't follow the clock, but folks who have been through it say it was true for them, seems you agree.

I was hoping to be well on my way to over her within a few months of leaving, but is was more like 8 months, and my advice for people who are newly NC, which I probably wouldn't have listened to myself at the time, is to slow down, focus on you instead of the BPD, and use the time to learn about yourself; I learned a boatload, motivated by pain once again.

[sadinnc98]

Hi sad,

I am sorry for your pain. I thought I was doing great since day 1 and 2 seemed to bring a feeling of relief... . I thought that would continue. But maybe I was in denial because after that confusion set in followed by overwhelming feelings of pain and missing him. Sometimes I think I want to die rather than experience anymore of this pain. Pain seems to be the story of my life... . a story I am coming to hate.

This is exactly my same experience... the first two days weren't AS bad... almost some relief... then the weekend set in, I started to think of him with other people, missing him, etc... and its been excruciating. The past two days have been terrible. I miss him so badly it hurts like i have never hurt before.

[bettermentofsociety]

Try to remember the bad stuff he did.  Remember the pain he inflicted on you?

I remember the pain my ex laid down, unlike anyone one ever! And that includes a long marriage to a bipolar woman who never hurt me like my BPD ex.

I too struggle each day with this "final" breakup but really if you know that he's BPD you are better off.  Start on the self work.  I have just been into that the last week or two and I  am starting to feel better.  Believe in yourself.  I concur think about the future and then think of the future with him and his bad behavior.  Is that what you want?


I cannot see myself ever returning to my ex, however, I often remember the good times and hope that I could re-capture those with her.  Then I need to remind myself that "ain't gonna happen". She will tear me down once again.


Hang in there.   

[charred]

I read on there how people have said the pain with this gets worse before it gets better... indeed it does and it hasn't even been a week. I have tried so hard to go out with friends and keep busy, but I just can't wait to get home when I do go out.

I hurt like there is a hole in my soul... . I don't know how to describe it.  You would think with 30 recycles that I would be glad that he hasn't come back yet this time. I am pretty certain he has already met someone and this is like twisting the knife. I kept picturing him out with someone, holding her hand, choosing a drink for her, making sure she knows she is the most beautiful and special girl around... probably got flowers today and an awesome text message this morning. I cannot even fathom touching another man, dating, etc... .

My friends don't understand why I care. They think I should be glad he is gone, and glad that I won't have to deal with the torment, disappointment, ignoring and constant let down and broken promises... . but I miss the guy I fell in love with. Miss our dates, great conversations, chemistry and connection.  Yesterday would have been our one year anniversary. I can't remember ever hurting this badly other than when he broke our engagement via text.

He sent me a text yesterday asking if I cancelled my tattoo appt on Friday (long story but I was going to get a little butterfly to cover up an old one from college and he was supposed to go with me). I just answered: Yes    I thought maybe it was a way for him to reopen the door... but apparently not and it hurt really bad when he didn't write anything else...

I, like others, wonder if he will be different in the next relationship-maybe someone that is better suited for him  Hurts so bad to think of him with someone else.

The pain isn't like a normal breakup. When you meet a pwBPD and they start off idealizing you it is a ego booster. It can be all engrossing, more like love bombing than a normal start of a r/s. If you normally keep people at a bit of a distance, have fewer close friends than most people and a bit of childhood dysfunction... the pwBPD can seem like a dream come true. The way a pwBPD ignores boundaries makes it easy for them to get closer faster than anyone else you dated. It is easy to see their idealizing and love bombing as unconditional love, and if you didn't get enough of that as a kid it can be addictive. Before you know it you put them on a pedestal and start having something odd happen... transference... you relate to them more as a parent than a normal partner. When they are critical you find you want to please them, if they are haters and do mean things you make excuses and rationalize for them, and cling to them instead of reacting to the way they are treating you.

A lot of BPD r/s's cross the line in to abusive relationships... mine sure did, my pwBPD would rant and rave, get in my face yelling at top of lungs, 100% upset. Her longest argument with me was 7 hrs... and after finally leaving the r/s I sought treatment for PTSD, as I had noticeably changed, and was far more fearful and like a whipped pup after the r/s.

Thing was the end of the r/s was not like a normal one, it was like losing a parent, there was deep pain and depression that didn't lift for a long time. My first big breakup was almost 28 yrs ago... didn't see her for many years (I moved to be away from her when she showed up hanging on a neighbor when I had planned on marrying her soon... . during a breakup.)... I moved on, married and had a kid, was married 22 yrs... and my exBPDgf contacted me on FB... I felt nothing... she said she needed to talk to me, I did and instantly the voice brought back 100% of the feelings... it was horrible. Within 4 months I was divorced and we were back to fighting and recycling, some 7-8 times.

I dated about 30 people in my life, and none had any lasting effect except her and my explanation is the apparent unconditional love makes us treat them like it is a primary r/s... and that explains both the deep hurt losing them, and the way the attraction doesn't diminish after over 25 yrs. It also points the way to getting better. They are not our soul mate, or perfect match... they ACTED in a way that when combined with some of our own issues led to US putting them on a pedestal... we wanted something so bad we decided it was true and refuse to see evidence to the contrary. In my case a 7 hr tongue lashing is not true love... it is a damned abusive way to treat someone you supposedly love. My exBPDgf did many many mean things... she acted more like Jodi Arias than any other person I know of (if you know who she is.)... Anyway, the hurting can last and last... . so long as you cling to seeing them as ideal/loving/etc.

Reality is what is missing in the BPD r/s with us... when you cease believing anything they said because they said it, and instead accept that they are disordered, tend to lie, be very immature and that it was your need and their need that found each other... . that the sparks were warnings of a conflagration, not indications of true love... . then you have hope of feeling a lot better.

In the mean time, mindfulness is very helpful... the resources on this sight are great, read the links to the right, the resources... and delve in to mindfulness... it is learning to stay in the present... here and now, instead of ruminating/dwelling on past or future. That alone can make a huge drop in the hurt/suffering you are experiencing. Keep at it. When you see them clearly with 20/20 sight... you still feel something for them, but it loses its ability to compel you to do things that make you seem disordered.

Good luck

[bettermentofsociety]

charred,

Well said. It is so true.  Those are a lot of years for you between events.  More than most here on this site.  It says something to the impact that the BPDs have on us.  Good grief.

[peas]

Those are a lot of years for you between events.  More than most here on this site.  It says something to the impact that the BPDs have on us.

It also says pwBPD don't change. More than twenty years later and she still has plenty of rages and push/pull in her.

[charred]

The number of years combined with the fact I dated a lot of other people... . was dumped by more than a few actually... . and didn't get bent out of shape with any of them... except her. After 20 yrs, most the gals I dated I would be indifferent too. Have talked to others and it had no effect, so something was different. My exBPDgf told me I had an attachment problem... . and at the time I dismissed it, but her snide comment (it was of course during an argument... she loved to put a little true stuff in with all the untrue just to make it more believable)... . came back to me and I read a number of books on attachment theory (hoping to understand BPD better.) Surprisingly, it really did describe my own somewhat dysfunctional upbringing (my mom lost her mother when she was 5... and is very cold/distant with kids/infants)... and somewhat insecure attachment.

The combination of understanding that secure attachment comes from unconditional love early on... and the BPD idealizing/love bombing... kind of made me wonder if there was some kind of transference going on... . the degree to which we take abuse kind of nailed it. I used to be real assertive... more like aggressive about defending myself, my views... been known to run over people with them... . except with my pwBPD... where I know I put her on a pedestal, saw her as wonderful and when she dropped me years ago... . assumed it was for good reason and was my fault. Years later I had accomplished a lot, but was still fairly easy for her to manipulate for the longest time... . till she would say things that shocked me back to my senses... . like telling me I had to treat my exwife like I hated her for her own good... . BS. My pwBPD truly saw things in black/white... she hated her ex so that was how it was supposed to be. (Read that it takes adult maturity to hold mixed emotions ... . like love and resentment at the same time... . so my pwBPD couldn't still care about her ex, but not be with him... it was all black/white... . I loved my exwife and wanted best for her and my daughter and would help them out if need be... . triggered horrific behavior from my pwBPD... and helped snap me out of spell she had me in at times.)

I believe we see it as a primary r/s, because I am old enough to have a lot of my friends whose folks have passed away... and the lingering depression/hopelessness and pain... seem just like what we feel with our loss of the BPD r/s. My own experience thinking I was over it and then hearing her voice and having all my emotions blown... I was a mess... couldn't explain it with anything that happened to me before... . but if you lost a parent and then they showed back up... it would seriously mess with your head, make you doubt some of your deepest beliefs... and be both weird, and amazing. It was trying to make sense of this... . plus the way that I noticed our interactions were not normal... it didn't feel like equals arguing. Others have talked about a power shift and I think it didn't shift ... . I think she was on a pedestal and being treated (transference) like a parent at times. The sex ... started out amazing, but that was probably just being excited to finally have my long dream come true, but after a while... it had a strangeness... which I hate to say was either transference (yuck)... or that the pwBPD was only concerned about my reactions... was trying to please me for control, as she watched and was indifferent to her own experience pretty much and over time there was less and less and far more lecturing and bullying.

Anyway, it explains my personal experience with it... . first met her 30 yrs ago, still has a bit of a hook in to me, though far far less as I seem to be seeing her as she is, rather than as I elevated and wanted to imagine her being.