I just can't keep on with him

[Ritarodriguez]

Hi i have a 17 teen boy, i wrote my roller coaster with him few days ago, he has been diagnosed since he's 7 with ADHD, mood disorder, defiant and now BPD.  I have been reading posts from parents like me, have seen the videos and some of the books.

I'm trying to approach him with more patience and infinite love.  Everything bothers him, is like walking on egg shells.  Every day is something that upsets him and I feel very frustrated.

His psyquiatrist just adjusted his risperdal intake, i'm hopping this calms him down.

He hates the school he is attending and threatens everyday that he will not go, this is every morning.

He has to take a special course to be ready to take the SAT test, and has to stay 8 mondays three hours after school.  I lost count but he sent since this morning more than 30 texts or emails that he will not stay, i answer each and everyone of them with patience and support, i even took him food to school, anyway I thought he was ok.  And of course that wasn't true, he's upset abd hang me the phone.  I'm afraid of what will happen when i pick him up.  I hate this feeling of being afraid of his mood.

Please what is the right approach?  Don't know what else to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Ritarodriguez... . It's good to see you on the Parents Board   

I am here because my adult son (36) was just diagnosed with BPD in April 2013; I also couldn't figure out how to handle his moods and rages and dysfunctional behaviors until I learned the communication tools and techniques on this site. Have you poked around here to find the Articles, Workshops, and Suggested Reading for members who are supporting a son or daughter with BPD?

I found that once I learned Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it and the Communication TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth, and put this information into practice with him, things changed immediately! The thing is, though I couldn't change my son, once I changed the way I communicated with him, he changed the way he reacted to me! And once I understood the way his brain works and realized how I was pushing every button he had, and then stopped doing that, things started improving... .

I understand how exhausted, frustrated and confused and afraid you are right now. Please, take a break from him for a little while, read the links I've given you, and realize that things really can get better... . We are here for you now, and we will get you through this. It won't be easy every day, but at least you can start changing things now. Read, learn, apply the knowledge, and keep posting your story and questions here; it really will help... .

[Ritarodriguez]

Thank you, i have been reading and now i can see how many families are suffering and looking for support like i am.

I'm obsessed with this site, trying to absorve as much as i can.  I want my son back and i want to feel safe not afraid.

I loved a quote that somebody said "Hate the illness love the person", and is so true.

Is a long journey but i need to help him the best i can. 

[vivekananda]

Welcome to our 'family' here Rita   I am glad you have found us.

You will have been reading so much to try to understand. That's just how I was when I first found out. I feel much calmer now and much more at ease with how I handle my dd (dear daughter) of 32.

There are two tools in our basic toolkit for BPD. One is 'validation', the other is 'values based boundaries'.

There is much to learn and it does take a while for it all to sink in - and after more than a year, I find I am still learning about these tools and how to use them. It is a long journey we are on.

To make it a little easier, I thought I would give you a link to an expert talking on UTube. It goes for over 50mins and it helps to have a pen to take notes with, to help you remember. This is on validation and it is brilliant:

Understanding Validation in Families - Alan E. Fruzzetti, PhD

Rita, the easiest way to learn I found was to post regularly here and ask questions.

Cheers,

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

It is also good to be mindful of taking care of ourselves - being kind with ourselves. This is hard for some of us to hear, especially when we first come to bpdfamily.com. It has been a struggle for me. The staying mindful (living in the moment) and doing the things that keep me healthy and grounded. Only then can I use the awesome tools for validation and boundaries.

What things give you a moment of peace or joy in the day? Do you have a couple of true friends or family to talk with, or a good therapist that understands BPD? We all need some local support if we can find it.

Thinking of you and your son.

qcr  

[Ritarodriguez]

Thank you very much for guiding me on this journey.  Sincerely i have learned so many little things i can do that really improves our relationship.

I have been very patience and more loving and affirmative than never.  My son and i had a very bad communication and we both got frustrated, angry and sad.

I talked to him about taking day by day or even hour by hour.  A lot of times during the day i tell him i love him and i will never leave him.

Today there was a very uncomfortable incident with my youngest son's friend that almost ended in a fight, i told my 17 son to hold me very hard and look at my eyes and try to breath slowly.  A very magic tip that i learned is to hold with your hands ice and that makes people calm, i did it and he could control himself, otherwise it was going to be a really terrible ending.

Im deceided to keep learning for me, my other son and my teen.

I will keep looking.  Try ice!  And let me know.

.

[six]

Hi Rita

I just want to share that the age of 17-20 was the absolute worst with my DS26.  he started calming down a bit in his early 20s. 

also, I have found that when I am very calm and logical with him when he is emotional, this pushes his buttons and he goes nuts.  he does better when I mirror his level of emotion. for example, if he says "I am really angry at my friend he stole my money"  I used to say, "Honey, I am sure it is just a misunderstanding, he would not steal from you." and my DS would go ballistic and end up calling me names.  Now, I say, "wow, you must be so upset about the money, I would be upset too"  I say this in a very emotional way, really matching his emotion.  he calms right down.

good luck.  let us know how you are doing

- 6

[vivekananda]

Hi Rita,

You are right, ice is an excellent way to chill  The trick is to have your son learn when to use it for himself, isn't it? so he can learn to recognise when he is getting angry and learn to self soothe with measured breathing and things like ice.

I wanted to point out that affirmation is not validation. Affirmation and showing love is not enough, the trick is to understand what validation means. I remember Rita, learning here for the first time about validation and how it seemed as if my eyes were opened to a whole new world of communication.

It is 'validation' and 'values based boundaries' that are the best tools we can use with our children with BPD. And of course, as qcr says, taking care of ourselves is essential and the first rule.

We are on a long journey here and we are all with you too. So, yes, please Rita, let us know how you are going?

Cheers,

Vivek      

[Rapt Reader]

I have found that when I am very calm and logical with him when he is emotional, this pushes his buttons and he goes nuts.  he does better when I mirror his level of emotion. for example, if he says "I am really angry at my friend he stole my money"  I used to say, "Honey, I am sure it is just a misunderstanding, he would not steal from you." and my DS would go ballistic and end up calling me names.  Now, I say, "wow, you must be so upset about the money, I would be upset too"  I say this in a very emotional way, really matching his emotion.  he calms right down.

- 6

Ritarodriguez: This is really great advice from six! I've found the same thing that she did, and it is a wonderful technique to use when validating (or trying to validate!) our loved one with BPD. I never realized how invalidating they would interpret our logical, calm, reasoned responses to them when they were in an agitated state.

After his beginning his DBT treatment, my son got angry at me when he was in a fit about something (not directed or related to me, so I wasn't even defensive about it) and while he was telling me his tale of woe in this state I was just "hmmmmming" and looking at him intently but calmly trying to calm the situation. Well, he stopped his rant and said angrily: "So, you don't get what I'm saying? You don't understand at ALL?" He'd interpreted my calmness as invalidation and took it personally!

When I told him I did understand his pain and anger about the situation he'd been talking about, he said: "Then why don't you SHOW it? When you just look at me like that and say "hmmmmmm" I don't understand what you are thinking and I feel like you don't agree with me or you think I'm wrong!"

Now, I hadn't even read this website yet, so didn't realize that he needed my feedback or body language to match his when he was emotional, so this was such a surprise to me! He'd just gotten out of a 21-day In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Program that promoted DBT, so he already knew that my logical, measured responses to him had been pushing his buttons all his life! Six is so right; and it's a wonderful thing to know about and put into practice. It has changed my relationship with my son now that I try to do this.

If we can analyze our kid's mood, try to match it in our responses to him, while validating, we can be less afraid of the transaction. Good luck, and I know you can do it! Use these tools: Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it and TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth and don't be afraid... .

[crumblingdad]

A very magic tip that i learned is to hold with your hands ice and that makes people calm, i did it and he could control himself, otherwise it was going to be a really terrible ending.

.

A great coping skill that my daughter learned for her cutting as well - although a variation on it she uses more often is we always keep a few oranges frozen solid in our freezer and she will squeeze them till it hurts as a coping skill in place of ice dripping everywhere.