Black cloud on horizon - need advice

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm wondering if anyone has encountered this with their SO pwBPD.

Four or five years ago, before I even knew what BPD was, my uBPDw encouraged me to seek therapy. I eventually stopped going (reasons to follow) and am now getting back into it with a different therapist next week. And I'm worried as hell.

The last time was a very awkward experience. I was distressed and anxious without understanding really why, so her suggestion to seek therapy seemed like a good idea. As my T drilled down, however, I became more and more uncomfortable, because he started to focus on my interactions with my wife and her behavior in our relationship. My wife had repeatedly accused me of passive-aggressive behavior and I wanted to address that, but my T kept bringing it around to HER passive-aggressive traits. I became upset and defensive (my knee-jerk reaction whenever someone questioned her behavior) and stopped going. I was honest with my wife, telling her I was stopping because he kept honing in on her behavior and trying to make me see how she, not I, was the one manipulating through FOG techniques.

What I did not tell her and could not bring myself to tell her was the other reason I stopped going. After every session, she interrogated me. What was discussed? What did my T say? What did I say? I mean, she expected - and demanded - a blow-by-blow. It made me extremely uncomfortable. If she caught the slightest whiff that I was leaving something out or making something up, I caught all-hell. For me, it felt like a deep violation of my right to privacy. And I felt so guilty during sessions I became guarded, worried that we might stray into areas I would later have to lie about. She was in therapy at the time, too, with a different T, and I never asked her what was discussed. So, after my first session, when she started to grill me, I pointed out that I never asked her for details, which only fueled the fire. 

So next week I'm starting back with a different T and know my wife will again be grilling me. If I say, "You know, I'd rather not talk about this; it's between me and my T" I know what will happen - she will dysregulate and I will be accused of "betraying" her to the T. If I make something up, don't tell her I'm working on strategies to handle myself when she splits and projects, then I WILL feel like a liar and a betrayer. What's the solution? Or am I in a no-win situation?

[yeager1003]

I'm wondering if anyone has encountered this with their SO pwBPD.

Four or five years ago, before I even knew what BPD was, my uBPDw encouraged me to seek therapy. I eventually stopped going (reasons to follow) and am now getting back into it with a different therapist next week. And I'm worried as hell.

The last time was a very awkward experience. I was distressed and anxious without understanding really why, so her suggestion to seek therapy seemed like a good idea. As my T drilled down, however, I became more and more uncomfortable, because he started to focus on my interactions with my wife and her behavior in our relationship. My wife had repeatedly accused me of passive-aggressive behavior and I wanted to address that, but my T kept bringing it around to HER passive-aggressive traits. I became upset and defensive (my knee-jerk reaction whenever someone questioned her behavior) and stopped going. I was honest with my wife, telling her I was stopping because he kept honing in on her behavior and trying to make me see how she, not I, was the one manipulating through FOG techniques.

What I did not tell her and could not bring myself to tell her was the other reason I stopped going. After every session, she interrogated me. What was discussed? What did my T say? What did I say? I mean, she expected - and demanded - a blow-by-blow. It made me extremely uncomfortable. If she caught the slightest whiff that I was leaving something out or making something up, I caught all-hell. For me, it felt like a deep violation of my right to privacy. And I felt so guilty during sessions I became guarded, worried that we might stray into areas I would later have to lie about. She was in therapy at the time, too, with a different T, and I never asked her what was discussed. So, after my first session, when she started to grill me, I pointed out that I never asked her for details, which only fueled the fire. 

So next week I'm starting back with a different T and know my wife will again be grilling me. If I say, "You know, I'd rather not talk about this; it's between me and my T" I know what will happen - she will dysregulate and I will be accused of "betraying" her to the T. If I make something up, don't tell her I'm working on strategies to handle myself when she splits and projects, then I WILL feel like a liar and a betrayer. What's the solution? Or am I in a no-win situation?

[Cipher13]

I was or maybe still am in that type of situation. uBPDw wanted me to go to T to "fix" me. I came back with tools that she sees as evil... Tool sthat are used here by the way. She wanted to grill me for everythign that was said. The last 5 mins of my T sessions where spent on what I should tell her.  This proved to no twork and I am now going aback to our old T whom she trusts. Sort of running into the exact same situation. Its a no win.

[Aussie0zborn]

I know how you feel.  Maybe Cipher's tip would work for you?

You are lucky you are in therapy. Please don't waste it by fearing you will stray into areas that you would have to lie to her about - that is wasting the opportunity to heal and build strength which can only be good for you.

Why is it that we are afraid of them but they are not afraid of anything at all, except getting found out?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

If I say, "You know, I'd rather not talk about this; it's between me and my T" I know what will happen - she will dysregulate and I will be accused of "betraying" her to the T. If I make something up, don't tell her I'm working on strategies to handle myself when she splits and projects, then I WILL feel like a liar and a betrayer. What's the solution? Or am I in a no-win situation?

You're doing something that's important for you and your health and well-being. In the process you're changing. She doesn't like it, it plays into her fear of lack of control and abandonment fears.

Be strong in your conviction that therapy is right for you and that you have the right not to share what you're discussing with your therapist. You could state that calmly to your partner, and then disengage from the situation. Practise it even beforehand, go through it in your mind. And if she dysregulates, well then she does. That's on her. Take a time-out, don't stick around for venting and accusations. And keep going to therapy.

If you're consistent in this, it will get better.