Codependent or result of uBPDh madness?

[nevaeh]

After almost 18 years of marriage to my uBPDh, I am ready to leave... . at least that is what my mind is telling me I should do.  Well, really my heart too, except that I get stuck on not wanting to "ruin" H's life by leaving him.  We've all been through the back and forth that goes on.  H has been "good" lately so it makes it harder to feel like I have a "right" to want to leave him.  Hard to explain but I just can't envision the "I want a divorce" conversation when he has been a decent human being of late. 

Anyway, in my search for help in moving forward I read an article about codependency yesterday and one of the symptoms was an inability to have an intimate relationship (esp. is a sexual way).  This actually described me in that I don't want to have sex with my H and when I do I am not emotionally attached to him at all, it's just sex.  There are many other traits of codependency that I have... . including the fact that when we were dating and in the early years of our marriage I thought I could "fix" him or that if I loved him enough and was patient enough with him that he would change for me.  That obviously didn't happen, but nevertheless I thought I could make it happen and stuck around to see if it would. 

It got me wondering if I am the one with the problem after all and his actions are a result of that, or if I am the way I am because of the many years of the back and forth between us. 

I don't talk to my H much about anything.  I don't share my fears, my successes.  I don't talk about problems the kids are having or that I am having because he can't "handle" problems - he either tries to solve them and then rages if you don't like or agree with his solution or he rages that you are even identifying the issue as a problem.  We don't kiss, we don't touch each other (no hugging, etc.), and we never exchange I love yous (except maybe once in the last 4-5 months after sex).  There is absolutely NO intimacy between us and I am finding that I want it to be that way and I am really doing nothing to try and change that.  Therein lies the problem... . am I the problem?  For some reason it gives me anxiety to think that if/when I tell him I want a divorce, he will say that in reality this IS all my fault, that I'm the one with problems, that I'm the reason that our marriage failed.  The anxiety comes from the question of... . "Is he right?" 

On the other hand... . after years of his Jekyll and Hyde, and his rages, and his affairs, and everything else, I don't have anything left to give and I don't have any "try" left.  I have found that I don't want to work on our marriage because that would mean that I have to open my heart up to him and I honestly don't think I can do that because I know that the next rage will happen and he will let me down yet again.  I have been through this SOO many times where we went through a really dark period (1-2 months at a time) and I had to mentally/physically shut him out just to keep myself sane.  Then he comes home one day and all is fine, like nothing ever happened.  I start to think, OK, this is tolerable and I can open back up.  I do... . and things are good for a while and it happens again.  I just can't do it anymore!  I FEEL like my lack of desire for intimacy with him is the result of this cycle, but WHAT IF I AM THE PROBLEM?

We are where we are and I don't want to be married to him anymore.  The physical act of leaving is something I have got to figure out how to do.  However, I am also concerned that there is something deeply wrong with me as well.  I guess I realize I will need some therapy to get through this.  I can't even imagine being in another relationship right now, but I do wonder if I will ever be able to have a normal relationship with a normal person... . and how will I even know if someone is normal? 

Has anyone else gotten stuck in this line of thinking?  How do you work through it?

[Cloudy Days]

My best advice is to go see that therapist. Find someone you can trust and open up to. You can work through your issues about not actually making the move to leave and figure out what is actually holding you back. I know that my feelings confuse me a lot of the time, I can want one thing for sure without a doubt but do another thing and have no idea why. Something is driving me to this madness. I'm not too far into my therapy to figure it out just yet

I honestly think we are not codependent with every person we meet and if we fell for someone healthy that we could live happy lives. It's that we don't fall for those people. I definitely fell for someone that threw up tons of red flags that I ignored, and I wasn't looking for a fixer upper, just unconditional love and I married the one person I knew couldn't give me the intimacy that I really wanted. I read a really good article about intimacy and BPD, I will try to find it for you.

I do think that we are somewhat the problem, especially if we are codependent. Our actions have made things worse. Only because we didn't know any other way. We cave in and create no boundaries for our dysfunctional partners. They need boundaries or they will get worse and someone who is codependent is lousy and creating boundaries. I actually read the book Codependent No more and It made me really understand how I tick, it was very eye opening to read.

[Cloudy Days]

This is one of them that was really helpful about intimacy with someone with BPD, I will see if I can find the other one too.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201202/problems-emotional-intimacy-typical-borderlines-and-narcissists

[nevaeh]

This is one of them that was really helpful about intimacy with someone with BPD, I will see if I can find the other one too.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201202/problems-emotional-intimacy-typical-borderlines-and-narcissists

Great article.  Thank you.  Very true to my personal situation.  My H has a high need for sexual intimacy, yet does nothing to try and build emotional intimacy.  I have tried to explain it to him but he doesn't understand it.  To him, if I don't want to have sex all of the time then that means I don't love him and I don't care about him. Because of that he pulls away from me emotionally (this is what he tells me).  There is incredible guilt and pressure placed on me in our sexual relationship.  It's not overt or obvious all of the time, but every couple of months he hits a wall and it becomes a huge issue that we have lots of "discussions" about. I also have anxiety almost every night when I go to bed, wondering if I should be intimate with him or not.  If I don't, will tonight be the night he gets mad and we stay up all night discussing my lack of interest in sex?  It is a horrible battle that goes on in my head all of the time. 

I tried for many years to give him the sexual intimacy he wanted, but I didn't get the emotional intimacy I needed.  Sure, I would get it for short bursts of time... . enough for me to stay hooked and "in love" with him.  He is highly interested in sex... . and I would say his level of interest borders on obsessive... . he wants our experiences in bed to mirror a porn movie and claims that "loving" partners do these types of things "all the time".  Sure, I know there are some loving couples who do these types of things and have fun with it, but if I don't feel emotionally "safe" with him there is no way I'm stepping that far outside of my comfort zone just to fulfill his high sexual needs.

Also... . you are right.  I need to find a therapist (I have been to several over the years).  I went to one a couple of years ago the last time I was ready to leave H.  I need to contact her office to see if they keep any information from previous clients and if I could get back to her.  I really do need to figure out what is really preventing me from moving ahead with this divorce, as I should.

I appreciate your thoughts!

[Cloudy Days]

I completely understand how you feel about not wanting to give him more intimacy because of feeling safe. I've told my husband many times I feel extremely guarded around him. I can't say what I feel and I don't feel like I can act how I feel. My husband also says that if I don't have sex with him it means I don't love him. We have had terrible fights because I said I was too tired, but I was too tired! I wonder if his obsession with sex has anything to do with BPD. My husband seems a little obsessed with it too.

[nevaeh]

Wow... . we have had so many fights because I said I was too tired to have sex.  I have so much anxiety about it now that sex is no longer something I want from/with him, just something I need to do to keep the peace.  Too add to that, my H desires things that I am just not willing to do and make me really uncomfortable.  When I say no to those things he gets pouty and tells me I'm boring and a prude... . again more anxiety.

I think their "need" for sex just illustrates their need for attachment and somehow they equate sex with emotional attachment, even though (at least in my case) we have a very minimal emotional attachment yet he still wants sexual intimacy.  All of H's affairs have revolved around sex.  All but one were cyber affairs, exchanges of photos and x-rated emails, etc.  The affair in Iraq was both physical and emotional, but also highly sexually charged.  H has a strong need to be sexually desired and to show his "love" for his partner (whoever that might be) through sex. 

I'm afraid that if I ever get into another relationship that my thoughts around sex are so messed up that I'll never be able to have a healthy sexual relationship.  H has told me that as well, but from another angle, basically saying that if I am a prude that I will never find someone who wants to be with me.  I just think I have so much anxiety around sex that I'm not sure how I will react if/when faced with it.