Does she still have fears of abandonment AFTER she left me.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Recently someone on the message boards asked a really good question regarding why if the BPD still has fears of the non abandoning them AFTER they have left the non.

In my opinion this goes to the core of what's going on with the BPD after the breakup and why they continue to recycle even after they have a new partner.

First let me begin by saying that not all BPD's are identical. For a host of reasons they all have significant differences (some are alcoholics, others anorexic, some self-harm etc). However the underlying patterns of behavior are very similar. 

After a BPD leaves there old partner they still have fears of abandonment by that partner. They may have a new lover who will be there new knight in shining armour but they still have a deep attachment to there past partner and fear there abandonment. At first brush, this seems to be contradictory because as soon as they leave the former partner they demonize him as completely black and evil. However this is only on the surface. At a subconscious level they still have deep attachment to the previous partner they left. Hence they still fear the previous partners abandonment even AFTER that partner has left there lives and a new partner has entered. This is because the BPD's emotions are immature and leads them to want to recycle the previous relationship to make them erase the empty feeling they have inside of themselves. I know this does not seem logical but this is how the warped thinking process of a BPD person functions.

The best way I can explain it is the relationship my diagnosed BPD wife had with her mother. My wifes mother abandoned her at a young age. This cause a great deal of trauma for her to the point where she demonized her mom and she became all black. However this did not mean that my wife did not fear her mothers abandonment again even after the mother was no longer in my wifes life. In fact my wife still loved her mother (no matter what she said) and feared that her mother would abandon her all over again. So several attempts at reconciliation were made over 30 years.  See even though the BPD person has an immature sense of love and relationship does not mean that they cannot form a life long bond. This bond leads to there insecurities. They may be able to run away from it temporarily with new lovers or drinking or drugs etc. But at the end of the day those insecurities will always be there and is at the root cause of there affliction.

In my case, my wife and I were together for 14 years. We had two children. She is a non-functioning alcoholic. After a great deal of issues I finally had to give her an ultimatum -- she had been binge drinking and cheating and acting recklessly. Then she told me one day that she had to "find herself" so that one day she could be there for the kids. Within 3 weeks she slept with some 10 different guys and fell in love with one of them. Showered him with love, affection and gifts. Told me she was in love and had not felt like this in 20 years! Said that I was the trigger for her drinking  and now that I was gone she was miraculously cured of her alcoholism! The thing was that she had not stopped drinking at all or cheating on her new partner.  What she had done is find a new knight / enabler and started to live a fantasy life where she was cured of her demons and in complete euphoria. You don't need a PHD in psychiatry to know that this is just an illusion.   

Then we went LC and she began to say things like "I love you and will always love you" and a minute later she would say that I was horrible miserable human being. One moment sh wants to get back and the next she can never be with me again. What was really going on is that even after we had broken up and she was seeing someone new, she still feared my abandonment of her. In her immature sense of love she still wanted me to cling to her and idealize her so she could feel empowered and not the insecurities of emptiness that feed her BPD persona. Without my validation she feared that I was gone for good and the issues of abandonment would start all over for her until she could overcome them for good (if ever). This is why there is so much recyclnig with BPD's after they have found a new partner and still gravitate to the old partner.


The amount of feelings and fear of abandonment by the BPD towards there ex depends on the amount of attachment they have. If the relationship was very long and deep (such as our 14 years together or a mother/child relationship) it could be a lifetime. If it was shorter or had less intensity it could be far less. When you add things like children into the equation (I have full custody of ours and she cannot see them unsupervised) this fear of abandonment can be substantial. Things like alcoholism / drug addition / sex addiction only exasperate the situation because they significantly impact the BPD's impulsiveness / recklessness and open a whole set of issues.


 

[confusedhubby]

Recently someone on the message boards asked a really good question regarding why if the BPD still has fears of the non abandoning them AFTER they have left the non.

In my opinion this goes to the core of what's going on with the BPD after the breakup and why they continue to recycle even after they have a new partner.

First let me begin by saying that not all BPD's are identical. For a host of reasons they all have significant differences (some are alcoholics, others anorexic, some self-harm etc). However the underlying patterns of behavior are very similar. 

After a BPD leaves there old partner they still have fears of abandonment by that partner. They may have a new lover who will be there new knight in shining armour but they still have a deep attachment to there past partner and fear there abandonment. At first brush, this seems to be contradictory because as soon as they leave the former partner they demonize him as completely black and evil. However this is only on the surface. At a subconscious level they still have deep attachment to the previous partner they left. Hence they still fear the previous partners abandonment even AFTER that partner has left there lives and a new partner has entered. This is because the BPD's emotions are immature and leads them to want to recycle the previous relationship to make them erase the empty feeling they have inside of themselves. I know this does not seem logical but this is how the warped thinking process of a BPD person functions.

The best way I can explain it is the relationship my diagnosed BPD wife had with her mother. My wifes mother abandoned her at a young age. This cause a great deal of trauma for her to the point where she demonized her mom and she became all black. However this did not mean that my wife did not fear her mothers abandonment again even after the mother was no longer in my wifes life. In fact my wife still loved her mother (no matter what she said) and feared that her mother would abandon her all over again. So several attempts at reconciliation were made over 30 years.  See even though the BPD person has an immature sense of love and relationship does not mean that they cannot form a life long bond. This bond leads to there insecurities. They may be able to run away from it temporarily with new lovers or drinking or drugs etc. But at the end of the day those insecurities will always be there and is at the root cause of there affliction.

In my case, my wife and I were together for 14 years. We had two children. She is a non-functioning alcoholic. After a great deal of issues I finally had to give her an ultimatum -- she had been binge drinking and cheating and acting recklessly. Then she told me one day that she had to "find herself" so that one day she could be there for the kids. Within 3 weeks she slept with some 10 different guys and fell in love with one of them. Showered him with love, affection and gifts. Told me she was in love and had not felt like this in 20 years! Said that I was the trigger for her drinking  and now that I was gone she was miraculously cured of her alcoholism! The thing was that she had not stopped drinking at all or cheating on her new partner.  What she had done is find a new knight / enabler and started to live a fantasy life where she was cured of her demons and in complete euphoria. You don't need a PHD in psychiatry to know that this is just an illusion.   

Then we went LC and she began to say things like "I love you and will always love you" and a minute later she would say that I was horrible miserable human being. One moment sh wants to get back and the next she can never be with me again. What was really going on is that even after we had broken up and she was seeing someone new, she still feared my abandonment of her. In her immature sense of love she still wanted me to cling to her and idealize her so she could feel empowered and not the insecurities of emptiness that feed her BPD persona. Without my validation she feared that I was gone for good and the issues of abandonment would start all over for her until she could overcome them for good (if ever). This is why there is so much recyclnig with BPD's after they have found a new partner and still gravitate to the old partner.


The amount of feelings and fear of abandonment by the BPD towards there ex depends on the amount of attachment they have. If the relationship was very long and deep (such as our 14 years together or a mother/child relationship) it could be a lifetime. If it was shorter or had less intensity it could be far less. When you add things like children into the equation (I have full custody of ours and she cannot see them unsupervised) this fear of abandonment can be substantial. Things like alcoholism / drug addition / sex addiction only exasperate the situation because they significantly impact the BPD's impulsiveness / recklessness and open a whole set of issues.


 

[Emelie Emelie]

My xBPD boyfriend broke up with me.  Yet he completely freaks out at the thought of me seeing someone else.  I didn't take a phone call from him last week (didn't realize I had missed it) and he decided I was "on a date" and went on a text rampage.  Over the next couple of days he called me a dozen times.  For some reason I'm not getting "missed call" notifications on my cell phone.  He finally called me from someone else's phone.  Said he did so because I refused to take his calls.  (Didn't... . missed them.)  This is a guy who hadn't contacted me at all.  I did go on a date two weeks after the break up.  We got together as "friends" one night (he did me a favor expecting sex in return) and I told him I had gone on a date and it was difficult for me.  He went absolutely ballistic.

His rationale for this?  It is "too soon" for me to be dating.  It is very hurtful to him and disrespectful of him and our relationship.  This is the guy who dumped me on my a$$ that I've been sobbing over for two months.  Who may well be seeing someone else himself already.  He doesn't want me but he sure as hell doesn't want anyone else to have me.  He needs to know I'm out there waiting for him in case he wants/needs to come back.

[Nope]

Before I knew what I was looking at I was honestly baffled when my fiancé's uBPD ex wife called him and told him that she still loves him and sometimes thinks maybe they could get back together. I mean, she was horrible to him when they were married and them didn't let him see or speak to their two kids for a year and a half after they were divorced. A divorce she initiated after he caught her cheating for the umpteen millionth time. Then she got a boyfriend seven years younger than herself who she had a baby with and then kicked out of the house they lived in. For over a year after the court begun forcing her to allow him contact with the kids she would only speak to him through her then boyfriend. By the time I met him they had been divorced more than five years and he'd clearly moved on with his life long ago. All I could think after everything I knew about their situation is 'How could she possibly even think that would be in the realm of possibility?'

[Inside]

Confused... . you said:

“In her immature sense of love she still wanted me to cling to her and idealize her so she could feel empowered and not the insecurities of emptiness that feed her BPD persona.  Without my validation she feared that I was gone for good and the issues of abandonment would start all over for her until she could overcome them for good (if ever).”

…I not only feel you’ve answered your own question… you’ve added to the ‘case study’ of this condition (thanks).  I’ve learned they live in constant shame, and considering the fine folks left in their wake -- they’ve earned it.  I suspect, to lessen their shame, they feel a bit better if they ‘leave us waiting and wanting’ them rather than moving on – as they do.

In just over 2 years with an uBPDgf I’ve felt the same.  Their desire to tease, test the waters, or jump in can in some way be legitimized within their messed up minds.  But if we were to do the same?  -- They’d likely kill us in our sleep!  

Their thinking is so self-centered as to only consider our pain after they’ve caused it…  …I’m sorry for what you’re going through, but impressed how well you understand it.  Thank you for sharing …it just might keep my 2.4 year old ‘mistake’ from expanding

[Chunk Palumbo]

After a BPD leaves there old partner they still have fears of abandonment by that partner. They may have a new lover who will be there new knight in shining armour but they still have a deep attachment to there past partner and fear there abandonment. At first brush, this seems to be contradictory because as soon as they leave the former partner they demonize him as completely black and evil. However this is only on the surface. At a subconscious level they still have deep attachment to the previous partner they left. Hence they still fear the previous partners abandonment even AFTER that partner has left there lives and a new partner has entered. This is because the BPD's emotions are immature and leads them to want to recycle the previous relationship to make them erase the empty feeling they have inside of themselves. I know this does not seem logical but this is how the warped thinking process of a BPD person functions.

I have encountered this is diagnosed and undiagnosed potential pwBPD. One was a friend who told me out-right that she didn't love her ex (who was in love with her), but wanted to keep him dangling in order to feel wanted. It disgusted me to the core, especially when she tried to come onto me! I'll leave it at saying I no longer speak to her.

The second, of course, is an undiagnosed ex. And though I've understood what she's doing in the past, I've allowed myself to be scuppered by it on multiple occasions.

Without my validation she feared that I was gone for good and the issues of abandonment would start all over for her until she could overcome them for good (if ever). This is why there is so much recyclnig with BPD's after they have found a new partner and still gravitate to the old partner.

This is what always concerned and ravaged me within; knowing that^ possibility. Not because she tried (and failed) to keep me contained in a little box post-split, but the high possibility that every boyfriend I've seen her run through in the wake of our relationship is STILL orbiting her, and she's keeping them in orbit. I cannot stand this idea.

Knowing of the possibility, I've asked her whether any of her exes are around. She denies they are, of course. Bar one (the one she left me for) who turns up every now and then in attempts to ellicit for sex, she claims I'm the only one who managed to have "staying power". I'm not so sure about that!

The amount of feelings and fear of abandonment by the BPD towards there ex depends on the amount of attachment they have. If the relationship was very long and deep (such as our 14 years together or a mother/child relationship) it could be a lifetime. If it was shorter or had less intensity it could be far less. When you add things like children into the equation (I have full custody of ours and she cannot see them unsupervised) this fear of abandonment can be substantial. Things like alcoholism / drug addition / sex addiction only exasperate the situation because they significantly impact the BPD's impulsiveness / recklessness and open a whole set of issues

I feel for you. Your relationship is far more entrenched than mine. Mine is highly sexual. She actually -encouraged- to watch porn. But this isn't my thread, so I won't go into it.