Needing some encouragement to "fight the good fight"...

[DreamFlyer99]

i'm generally a positive soul, but between my own Fibromyalgia symptoms and my H's BPD traits i'm going down.

Part of it is that I have not adequately kept up my own self-care (crucial to keep my exercise routine and eating well for the Fibro) and I haven't kept my boundaries really well either in all the times my H has been home and wants to eat crap. I find I slip-slide so easily back into my former habits of a couple of years ago before I got a trainer at the gym and got serious, and if there's a cookie in front of me i'm gonna eat it.

I know all my lack of self-care via exercise, food, and boundaries has caused me to be unhappy with myself. I talked with my T about it yesterday and I think I need to find a way to remind myself of my health-related boundaries and values. I slip back into what I used to see as my H showing care for me by buying me the snacks I like, when now it's more of a shooting myself in the foot.

Since I grew up with a likely NPD/BPD mother, I learned to accept small tokens as equal to love and caring, for instance, when I would be at home sick my mother would set up a chair next to the couch with water and graham crackers, and let me use her special blanket made by my grandma. So I learned to accept stuff instead of actual care and affection and time spent, and I've done the same with my H for years and years. Now that i'm more healthy in mind and body I find those things so much less satisfying, and from time to time I hit a point of grieving--again. Which my T says is normal.

I need some encouragement because this (old) girl who is usually the glass half full type is turning the glass upside down and finding nothing. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

You are in a state of flux from the old you in to the new you. Like everything it takes a long time to totally transform a personality. The light bulb moment only brings with it an awareness, not necessarily the ability, that comes slowly. Enthusiasm for change will only carry you so far (fad  diets and exercise are good examples of that), but it takes a kind of personality evolution before it just becomes natural.

Just accept this and don't let guilt of not always stepping up get to you, or you will hate yourself. That is ultimately the real cause of slipping into old ways. Just concentrate on a few aspects and cut yourself slack on the rest, and it will go back to being rewarding and less of a chore.

Constant feelings of reward eventually reduces the need and attraction for the old ways.

It is much like tackling BPD issues, you can study all the words and tools, but it takes a long time before you can change how you feel in your soul so that it becomes subconcious, likewise it takes a substantial personality change.

Walking your own talk is rarely 100% sucessful even for the most knowledgeable of people.

[DreamFlyer99]

i like this:

Just concentrate on a few aspects and cut yourself slack on the rest, and it will go back to being rewarding and less of a chore.

Well actually EVERYthing you said was really good and helpful, so thank you, Waverider. I have learned not to be as hard on myself as I used to be, but I think sometimes my own issues collide with the angst of feeling I will just never have that supportive marriage partner I thought I would have. And that just makes a big loud noise, yunno?

And you're right, learning is one thing, putting into practice until it becomes natural is another altogether. Good thought. 

[waverider]

It is a circle, everyone naturally needs feedback and validation to promote a sense of self worth. In these relationships you need to believe in yourself to be able to self validate, as you are not going to get it from your partner. Even if you do how much value will it have as validation is only as sound as the mind giving it. So you will question it, especially if it is seemingly withdrawn at random.

So it is a bit chicken and egg, but once you break into that circle and start to believe in yourself, and gave start to self validate, everything comes together more readily. This sense of independence, and less of a need for external validation is very empowering as your self confidence is no longer subject to anyone else's beliefs or comments.

Even when you doubt yourself, you are aware it was you who put that doubt there, so it is easier to remove it.

This is the nucleus of claiming your life back

[DreamFlyer99]

Now THIS

In these relationships you need to believe in yourself to be able to self validate, as you are not going to get it from your partner

is a mouthful! Every so often I hit a point where I just feel darned sorry for myself, yunno? So thank you for reminding me. And even reading your words I can realize that I am farther along that path than I used to be! So that part is awesome.