Should he be in his children's lives?

[viccijo]

Hi All

I am in need of educated opinions on this one if you don't mind?

I am separated from my BPD husband. We have 2 children, 4 and 6. He has been abusive (physically and mentally) our entire marriage and I have brought up our children on my own. He swept in and out of the house/ our lives as and when he felt like it.

In January I discovered he was addicted to heroin and crack cocaine. Before this I had put up with the treatment he gave me as I thought it was best for the children to have him in their lives. I guess he did me a favour as I then had to do what was best for my children and tell him to leave. He moved to another town. I was inundated with parking fines, credit card companies calling. He sent no money for his bills or the children.

He went to stay with his dad in Spain and apparently got clean. He then said he wanted to be close to the children. He asked if there was a chance for 'us'. I said I could not say what might happen 2-5-10 years from now but at the moment I couldn't even consider it. The agreement was that he would find work and an apartment near by, see the children, pay his bills and basically be a responsible adult. He lasted a week... .

I gave him a key to my home for when he was with the children. He began letting himself in and turning up unannounced. He left his stuff everywhere and basically moved himself back in. He found work and a room in a grotty flat with a guy he knew who drinks too much. He said himself that he would never take the children there. He started badgering me to move back in with us, said he would be okay if he was here with us. Would not listen when I pointed out that he was here with us for over 8 years and was never okay!

We fell out one night and he left. I locked up and left the key in the door so he couldn't get back in. I went to bed and was woken by him screaming through the letterbox to be let in. I ignored it and when I looked out the window he was in his car, on my drive, smoking heroin. The following day I confronted him and he admitted it but said it was my fault as he would have been fine if i'd let him move back in. I called his dad again and he booked him another flight to Spain.

I had a week to wait before I knew he would be on that plane. I sat in the living room every night thinking he might come in and harm us. I feel better now I know he is no longer in the country.

He has tried to call many times but I cannot bring myself to answer. He wants to speak to the children but I am unsure if he should or not? They have not even asked about him. He promised them he would never leave again and was gone 4 weeks later. He is furious I have removed him from my Facebook. I do not want him knowing where I am going or what I am doing, I would like him to forget about me completely.

My thoughts are these:

I believe it will not be too long until he either kills himself with drugs or finds someone new and loses interest in us. With this in mind I do not know whether it is better to remove him from the childrens lives sooner rather than later. He is not and has no current intention of being in the same country as them. He has given no money for them and certainly is no help towards their upbringing or childhood needs. My daughter (6) already comments on daddy's behaviour and drinking. Basically we are all far better off without him and I believe he is using 'I want to speak to my kids' as another way of getting at me. He has never been there for them. Never been a role model in their lives. Never read them a story, helped with homework, bathed them or done the school run.

My question is am I thinking clearly? I do not think I am angry with him anymore so I think I am truly trying to make decisions in the kids best interests but how can I be sure? I do not want to do anything that might hurt them. DO you guys think they are better to be away from him or should I allow him to be in their lives?

I am aware this is not a simple question to answer and I do not expect anyone here to make my decision for me. I am only just learning about BPD and would value the thoughts of the members of this forum who know far more than I about this illness and the likely behaviours I could be facing.

Thank you for reading x

[dangoldfool]

Just my opinion. I would look into getting full custody if you don't already have it. Make him go to a judge to get visitation rights and pay child support. Any time he came over I would call the police if he even hinted he was threatening or on drugs.

You sound like you given him plenty of time to get his life straighten out. No need to have him as a bad influence to the children. Life as a parent is hard enough by yourself (speaking from experience here) You don't need this type of problem as well. Good luck to you.

[viccijo]

Than you dangoldfool

We are not divorced yet as he wont do it and I cant afford it. I know the second I say 'Full Custody' he will flip out. I am trying to thread that fine line between damage control and what I think is right for my children. His family don't see any problem with him being in the kids lives, but they are used to all this drama. I was not brought up this way and I don't want my kids to be either.

I didn't think I would ever be a woman that would keep a father away from his children but sometimes it really does seem the only option. :-(