The hardest part of breaking up w/ BPD: you suffer while they rejoice

[Depression = 72% of members]

The hardest part of breaking up with someone with BPD is that unknown to the Non victim, they have been detaching and demonizing for a long time. The entire time they have been proclaiming there devotion and manipulating to the Non Partner they have ben thinking of moving on. It's as if they are feeding the Non's emotional co dependence just so they can sabotage it and destroy them emotionally in the future. I think it's because in childish (yet manipulative) way of thinking it makes them feel stronger vis-à-vis the Non. 

When the break-up finally happens the Non is completely unprepared. The emotional co dependence that has been feed for so long by the BPD is yanked and the end result it is utterly destructive. As the Non is reeling from the loss the BPD has moved on. They have no shame, guilt or remorse. All they have is self justifying explanations and manipulation. Indeed, the moment they have found the new Knight In Shining Armor to idealize the party begins anew with even more gusto! They feel reinvigorated! The endorphins rush! The euphoria begins! The acceleration id excilerating.

in my case my wife of 14 years came up to me and said that she decided to move on so that she "could be there one day in the future for our 2 children". She had been serial dating for a while. Within 3 weeks of leaving she told me she had met someone and was madly in love. Said she had not felt like this in 20 years! Began to shower him with gifts and attention. Degraded herself. Said she had found the meaning of true love.

The only solace that the Non victim has in all of this is that the BPD will end up doing the same thing to the next victim. In my case, my wife was cheating on the new lover even while she was proclaiming her absolute love for him.  She was lying to him about tons of stuff yet trying to make him feel like he could save her (She claims that he was able to cure her of her alcoholism -- not a chance!). In the end the train wreck will occur again and she will walk away and do the same with someone else or just recycle. But never will she have any regrets or remorse. BPD's are incapable of it. They only think of there own fun time. Never someone elses.

[confusedhubby]

The hardest part of breaking up with someone with BPD is that unknown to the Non victim, they have been detaching and demonizing for a long time. The entire time they have been proclaiming there devotion and manipulating to the Non Partner they have ben thinking of moving on. It's as if they are feeding the Non's emotional co dependence just so they can sabotage it and destroy them emotionally in the future. I think it's because in childish (yet manipulative) way of thinking it makes them feel stronger vis-à-vis the Non. 

When the break-up finally happens the Non is completely unprepared. The emotional co dependence that has been feed for so long by the BPD is yanked and the end result it is utterly destructive. As the Non is reeling from the loss the BPD has moved on. They have no shame, guilt or remorse. All they have is self justifying explanations and manipulation. Indeed, the moment they have found the new Knight In Shining Armor to idealize the party begins anew with even more gusto! They feel reinvigorated! The endorphins rush! The euphoria begins! The acceleration id excilerating.

in my case my wife of 14 years came up to me and said that she decided to move on so that she "could be there one day in the future for our 2 children". She had been serial dating for a while. Within 3 weeks of leaving she told me she had met someone and was madly in love. Said she had not felt like this in 20 years! Began to shower him with gifts and attention. Degraded herself. Said she had found the meaning of true love.

The only solace that the Non victim has in all of this is that the BPD will end up doing the same thing to the next victim. In my case, my wife was cheating on the new lover even while she was proclaiming her absolute love for him.  She was lying to him about tons of stuff yet trying to make him feel like he could save her (She claims that he was able to cure her of her alcoholism -- not a chance!). In the end the train wreck will occur again and she will walk away and do the same with someone else or just recycle. But never will she have any regrets or remorse. BPD's are incapable of it. They only think of there own fun time. Never someone elses.

[Ironmanrises]

Confused,

I know you are hurting. I am truly sorry that she has put you through that.

I know that feeling if it being yanked from you.

It hurts beyond words.

Do i know what my exUBPDgf has been doing all this time since she left me 48 days ago?

Unknown. 48 days of NC.

I would rather not know. It would only hurt me.

I have closed my Facebook and Instagram permanently since then as a protective measure.

Did she replace me with another guy?

Unknown. She has hurt me enough as it is. Any further unnecessary information such as that would hurt me even more. I would rather not know.

Is she rejoicing after she left me?

Unknown. But, when she left me first time and came back 3 months later... .

She told me she was miserable entire time.

Was this a lie? Unknown.

NC is only way. I dont want to know whether she is happy or sad.

I am miserable as it is.

[confusedhubby]

Hi Ironman.

Thanks for sharing.

I feel your pain. Your ex must have really hurt you bad. I am saddened to hear this. You sound like a decent partner and used for selfish reasons by your BPD. No contact is really the only way to go.


How long were you with your partner? I was with my spouse for 14 years and we have 2 children together so NC is hard but I have sworn no more contact and I plan to keep it this time no matter what!

[Ironmanrises]

Confused,

I was friends with her for almost 3 years.

First round of relationship: 3 months

Second round of relationship: 5 months

I met her 2 sons(from a much older previous relationship of hers) in second round of relationship.

I started to bond with her sons(one is 8, other one is 12)and vice versa.

She yanked that away.

Not only has she damaged me... . but her own 2 kids.

They would always ask for me.

I would travel 5 hours by bus(she lived in outskirts of Boston, me in Long Island,NY) after work every week. Long distance relationship.

What has she told them since she discarded me?

Unknown.

I can only imagine how hurt and bewildered and even betrayed they must feel now that i am no longer around. Breaks my heart to pieces.

You were with your spouse for 14 years... . With 2 kids... . I can only imagine what you have gone through. That is such a long time... . I am so sorry.

All this chaos and destruction.

Saddens me.

[suffering_parent]

I am feeling this way too.   Wife of 11.5 yrs walked out on me and 4 kids.

She is on cloud nine with her new man.   She emailed me that he is willing to look into her eyes and connect to her.   Well ya I couldn't do that with you screaming at me every moment of the day.

Whatever she is with some kid probably 10 yrs younger then her, no job, no car, living with parents.   She left behind a nice home, financially supported never had to work, and four beautiful children.

It hurts bad, but I know the real winner in the mess.    I am just starting to work on the no-contact.   It is very hard.   She is coming this weekend to visit the kids so I have to see her.

[confusedhubby]

Hi Atvfan. Thanks for sharing.

Try as best as you can to do no contact.

I had to see my ex last week after 6 weeks of no contact and it was emotionally tough. She came dressed like a slut (low cut dress / heavy eyeliner etc) and tried to bait me. She kissed me and we made out and that was a big big mistake -  . See a BPD leaving a long term marriage of 10+ years has strong bonds to her ex and her family. She wants to know that she still has you in her pocket while she is out having her fun. If you don't fall for her bait she will think your stronger and her respect for you will only grow. If you kiss her, try and put moves on her or fall for her seduction she will think she has you in her pocket and treat you like dirt.

Don't make the mistake I did. It just will reinforce her ego and make her looked down on you. Be distant but graceful. Let her see kids and use every ounce of courage you have not to let her see you suffer from what she has done to you. She will eventually cycle through the new boyfriend and want to rcylce er family back/. Judging from othes I have spoken to BPD mothers who abandon there family always come back. It's just a matter of time.

Feel free to private message me if I can be of further assistance.

[confusedhubby]

Hi Ironman. Thanks for sharing.

That's the worst part of it. BPD get a kick out of manipulating great loving partners who are attentive and giving. That you reached out to her kids is commendable. That she used them to hurt you is despicable.

I hope she comes to her senses and gets some help. If not for herself then for her children.

[Ironmanrises]

Confused,

Welcome.

In the idealization phase... . she loved that i was attentive and caring, to her and her 2 sons.

Would tell me all the time.

In devaluation phase... . She told me that my attentiveness and caring... . Was "Needy".

A complete reversal of her position.

I dont think she realizes in any substantial way what she has done.

Her denial is too strong.

[Hazelrah]

I dont think she realizes in any substantial way what she has done.

Her denial is too strong.

Ironman,

I hurt for you every time I read one of your posts.  I'm of the same mind right now--I just don't think my W realizes what she has done by leaving and starting up with a recycled ex.  Either that, or the shame and guilt she feels is burying the last bit of the caring, wonderful woman I used to know.  I am wrecked... . beyond it in many regards.  I have taken some healthy strides in the two months she's been gone, but coming home to an empty house, save for two cats, is the loneliest feeling I've ever experienced in my life.  I feel wholly defeated in that my W is not willing to work on a marriage that was barely 1.5 years old when she left... . it all feels like such a terrible waste.  My hope is I some day can make sense of it, or at least use it as a means of growth... . but today, that seems like a pretty hopeless dream.  I still love her with everything I have, and I realize that is an unhealthy place to be. 

[Clearmind]

We think we are suffering because of them! In fact I suffered because the break-up reignited some deep wounds I had well before my ex was around. I realized I had some abandonment issues myself - my ex leaving and his treatment of me, and me staying against my better judgement all ------->

Depression, earth shattering disbelief, denial, blaming him, ruminating, not being able to sleep etc etc... . we have all been there.

We do see ourselves as victims - however - in hindsight I saw myself as a willing participant who needs to be accountable for staying.

[Ironmanrises]

Hazelrah,

I can relate to that wrecked feeling.

I can so imagine how defeating that must feel, i am truly sorry she did that to you.

A terrible waste... . Yes. We as nons see all the carnage... . they do not.

Further compounds the loss.

A cruel paradox. Makes you feel even more alone.

The fact that you still love her... . i can so relate to that too.

Shows your feelings are real and genuine.

I know you are hurting. Trying to make sense of something as confusing as this disorder... . further compounds the misery.

Saddens me.

Healing is all we have left.

[Ironmanrises]

Clearmind,

I know i was a willing participant when i let her back into my life the second time around knowing full well about the disorder and what was going to play out.

It doesnt negate the hurt though.

[Hazelrah]

We think we are suffering because of them! In fact I suffered because the break-up reignited some deep wounds I had well before my ex was around. I realized I had some abandonment issues myself - my ex leaving and his treatment of me, and me staying against my better judgement all ------->

Depression, earth shattering disbelief, denial, blaming him, ruminating, not being able to sleep etc etc... . we have all been there.

We do see ourselves as victims - however - in hindsight I saw myself as a willing participant who needs to be accountable for staying.

Believe me, I understand the wounds that have been exposed--fear of abandonment, co-dependency, etc.  I recognize these things, but I also feel betrayed by a love who simply up and left out of the blue.  I recognize, and I am trying to reconcile, both halves of the equation.

My W was a low functioning waif, so I didn't suffer the same amount of abuse many others did... . instead, I was more of a full-time caretaker.  I’ll admit that it gave me an unhealthy sense of self-worth, caring for an adult who was seemingly unable to fully function on her own.    I rarely felt 'victimized' in my marriage, though I’ll admit it was exhausting.  I’m still exhausted.   

[confusedhubby]

Hazelrah,

I feel your hurt. It is so terrible what your ex has done. Worse yet that she cannot even recognize it. That's the horrible thing we Non's have to go through we are devasted by our ex's only to watch them deny any culpability and rejoice with a recycle.

[Hazelrah]

Hazelrah,

I feel your hurt. It is so terrible what your ex has done. Worse yet that she cannot even recognize it. That's the horrible thing we Non's have to go through we are devasted by our ex's only to watch them deny any culpability and rejoice with a recycle.

Thanks, confused.  I feel for your story, too.  I can't imagine having to navigate something like this with children.  I hope you and the kids can get through this as unscathed as is humanly possible. 

[Washisheart]

Wow so sad but true. I still remember 2 1/2 years later that wave of excruciating pain that overcame me when I heard (the first time) he was with somebody else. Then I found out it was the "village bicycle" who had nothing to her name but a criminal record.

You are right, the solace I get is knowing things will never last with someone else unless he does some drastic changing. I hate to argue so we never did. We were BFF and did everything together. Then I realized it was all a lie. It took me 2 years of hell to realize something is seriously wrong with this man ( 2 good years + 2 bad years). In December in my desperate attempt to make sense of it all, I came across this diagnosis. Still knowing it, I gave him one more chance. I think we are working on the end right now. I am painted black and would rather throw a brick at his head then struggle to be white again. I have him everything I had. When he met me he had nothing. And somehow when he leaves me he falls on his face. But for some reason being a good woman who lifts him up doesn't make me worth loving.

Just know she'll be alone again soon.

[blurry]

Not to mention, if you do remain in contact, good luck deciphering truth from fiction, all the lies. I go NC eventually, once she's gone, and what other choice is there besides assuming she is recycling someone else, or sleeping with someone new. If she tells me she slept with someone else, once she comes backs, she did, and if she tells me she didn't sleep with someone else, once she comes back, I still have to and will assume she did, its a lose/lose situation for us nons. NC at least gives us some of our control back while they're gone. Can't wait till the day comes when my NC becomes permanent and I don't even want to respond once she reaches out again.

[thisyoungdad]

I was going to write a post tonight but I almost feel like I don't need to because you summed up so well what I am going through right now. I am trying to find some kind of relief in knowing that while it seems she is celebrating or whatever I have to believe deep down she is troubled whether she knows it or not, and therefore the grass won't be greener elsewhere. That helps me detach a little from the pain because when I buy into the B.S and believe she ran off with someone "better" it hurts like hell. If I can remember she just is running, constantly running and trying find relief for her own deep issues I can feel a tad better. Still profoundly hurt even after pretty much a year but I now have something to try to hold on to that I didn't have a year ago.

[papawapa]

Confused,

You are fooling yourself if you believe that she is rejoicing. What she is really doing is very unhealthy. Instead of grieving the loss of her relationship with you she is using partying and sex to mask her pain, mostly shame and guilt. Keep in mind that unless she gets the proper therapy and really works at it her life will never change. As she once used you to escape from her inner turmoil and when eventually you were unable to keep her inner pain from surfacing your relationship degraded and she left you, so it will be with the next guy... . and the next... . and the next... . and the next.

[thisyoungdad]

For a long time it seemed like she was rejoicing. Then some friends started to share stories with me of things she was saying or doing, like randomly announcing how excited she was about her new place and the friends didn't even know she left me. They were left perplexed how she could be so excited but they were talking (they are a married couple) and thank goodness are very emotionally intelligent and realized that it was all a show she was putting on. So they came to me to ask if she was okay. Multiple people have done this. They see through the show she is putting on. Hearing those things helped me to realize that she isn't rejoicing. I was able to see the reality that was happening, she might be saying that but she was binge eating, gaining weight, smoking again, depressed etc. She wasn't happy like she said, she just wanted me to think that for some sick reason. Over time I have realized that like papwapa said she is not rejoicing she feels like she is dying under the shame, guilt and remorse of what she did to our family and little girl. So she runs and runs and does anything and everything possible including pretending she is happy to be done with me in order to save face and lie to herself. It is sad to see the reality. In some ways it almost hurts more than if she were rejoicing I think... . either way sucks.