Does anyone know how to speed up the recycle?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Does anyone have any experience of what the non-BPD can do to make the BPD want to hasten the recycle process. Some posters on this site say NC is the best approach. Others claim that NC simply makes the BPD forget the ex and her family even more (out of sight out of mind syndrome). 


I ask this because I am concerned about my BPD/w. We are in the midst of divorcing and I have sole custody of both our children. I saw her yesterday after about 6 weeks of LC and was shocked at what she told me. She says she is in love with her new boyfriend and is deep into the idealization phase. However it appears evident to me she is self destructing at an alarming rate and I have to say I am concerned about her well being (also its effecting our kids).

BTW's yesterday when she saw me and kids she told me she loved me and missed me. We even broke into a couple of deep passionate kisses. However she also demonized me a bit.


Anyone  have any experience with something like this.

[confusedhubby]

Does anyone have any experience of what the non-BPD can do to make the BPD want to hasten the recycle process. Some posters on this site say NC is the best approach. Others claim that NC simply makes the BPD forget the ex and her family even more (out of sight out of mind syndrome). 


I ask this because I am concerned about my BPD/w. We are in the midst of divorcing and I have sole custody of both our children. I saw her yesterday after about 6 weeks of LC and was shocked at what she told me. She says she is in love with her new boyfriend and is deep into the idealization phase. However it appears evident to me she is self destructing at an alarming rate and I have to say I am concerned about her well being (also its effecting our kids).

BTW's yesterday when she saw me and kids she told me she loved me and missed me. We even broke into a couple of deep passionate kisses. However she also demonized me a bit.


Anyone  have any experience with something like this.

[Moonie75]

She won't want you/miss you/ need you, till it goes POP with the other guy. When she runs out of the relationship (which she will at some point), she'll run to you!

Retreat with grace & wait. Best thing you can do with this time is have a good long look at yourself.

P.S stop kissing her too. That's like telling her that you're cool with all she's done to you & makes you look VERY WEAK! Nobody lusts after a doormat! YOU KNOW THIS.

[confusedhubby]

Thanks for sharing Moonie. It is appreciated. You are very right about the kissing part. I should never have done it.  She actually came to my place dressed like a slut and trying to tease me. I should not have fallen for it. I feel foolish.

I am now completely NC. Let her do what she wishes but her contempt and lies are just too much to take. Will keep you posted on what happens.

[confusedhubby]

Again Moonie, thanks for your advice. It's probably the best advice anyone on these has given me so far.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Good post on the kissing Moonie.

Try "I still love you but I can't give you anything until you say something nice."

Unfortunately that will almost always get you some make up sex, but rarely lasts.  Wish I had something more fulfilling.  They want to be nice to you but can't for their own crazy reasons.

[simplyasiam]

hell confuse, sorry your dealing with this. i can tell you we are living the same summer in many ways. my ex and i have recycled many many times over the past 6 years.

this time her blow up has gone on almost 5 months. frist month she cam back three times then a month of n/c and the last 2 and half months have been true hell. she started calling and it got to point she was coming home then backed out last min.

she recked her life over the summer in many ways. now that school has started she backed of on contact to about once a week. shes not having her big break downs anymore just finds silly reason to call txt or email.

i know everytime i go n/c with her she comes after me. a weekago today after a fill day of calls and txt about i miss love miss us your better off with out me and so on she txt... . plz move on, so i left it alone. then last nite she messaged me on face book tellling me she was sorry to hear my dog had passed away.

may seem like a nice thing for her to do, but she had me blocked on there she had to have unblocked me and been creepen on my page to see that.

when thye think you gone they come looking its all about how you work with it. ive given in all summer holding hope she will be the person i knew again.

i cant say n/c will fix anything but if you stick with it she will come looking at some point, just a matter of what shes looking for and how you deal with it

[changingme]

I have a child with my ex too so this always leaves the door open for him to try to recycle.  What I have learned is the harder I pushed him away or the colder I was the harder he would push back for a recycle and go through great lengths to try to win me over.  I sometimes would give in out of complete exhaustion of saying no.  Now, I don't want to ever go back so I keep it friendly and light.  When he may say something inappropriate or flirty I don't make a big deal out of it either way and it dissipates a lot faster.  Hope this helps.

[confusedhubby]

Thanks Changingtimes.

How do you the child thing? My wife is not allowed to see the kids unsupervised because of her drinking. She calls to talk to kids but because she has called very drunk in the past I have had to cancel these calls. So now she calls and leaves messages for them.

[confusedhubby]

Thanks simplyasiam.

My big problem with her lately is that she is going around and telling everyone how horrible I was and how abusive I was (which I wasn't at all). The problem is that with people who don't know of her situation it sounds all true. I have asked her in the nicest ways to stop this but I think she is doing it to instigate conflict with me. Anyone have suggestions how to deal with this?

[eeyore]

I think I'd be making sure I know all the parents of my kids friends.  That way any misinformation can be corrected quickly.  Parents look out for their kids.  If your wife is a looney toon the other parents will talk about it.  If you are a model dad other parents will talk about that as well because if their kids and your kids are friend they will want to make sure their kids are with you and not with your wife. 

[blurry]

Concerning the quickest way to " force" a recycle attempt, the quicker you go full NC, the quicker she will try to recycle, unless she finds someone else to fulfill her needs in the meantime, that will further delay it. Mines still raging at me through text as of yesterday, and I've responded in various ways and deep down I know, the sooner I stop responding, and mind you I can lose my temper and say literally anything hurtful to her, or say the sweetest things, none of that matters, the sooner I go NC, the sooner I know she will be back with her mind erased, begging and pleading and making promises and pledging undying love and commitment. Really a sick cycle.

Concerning false allegations, I have every text from her saved for legal purposes for the last 6 months, and our fb thread for the past year, her allegations and accusations during our breakups are scary... . what a wonderful way to live life with your wife... . or without her, as it stands right now. Wonder if texts/ fb threads hold up in court? I have her admitting repeatedly during her recycle phase of me before I come back every time, that she says these things just to push me away during the breakups. Also contains moderate suicide threats and her admitting to taking online BPD tests and scoring well above " severe". Guess I should google that question.

[blurry]

Oh I wanted to add, if it were me, with the supervised visits, id have the courts or, maybe a relative, supervise the visitation. When I say NC, I mean it literally, id do anything concerning the kids through the courts, no rule says you have to discuss things like birthday parties and kids grades in school with mom, it only opens up the door for conflict and slows your healing the more you talk.

My first wife wasn't even BPD, but I was so hurt by her too, in order to heal, I refused to see her, so I simply arranged to pick my son up from school Friday afternoon, have him weekends and brought him to school Monday morning, case closed, no need to see his mom whatsoever. And she did actually come back to me once, after 10 months, come to think of it, but that's another story although it backs up my experience with NC.

[mcc503764]

Not to sound harsh here, and I will apologize for how I will come across is advance, but do you realize this is like asking for cancer right?

Trust me, I more than understand your wanting of her... . Mine personally is seasonal, and once the summer is wrapping up and the boats are out of the water, she usually tries something... . this has been her pattern for the past two years, but I am far from "waiting/wanting" this to happen, but I am preparing myself for how I will feel in the back of my mind; but this is far from the prevalent thought that it used to be in my head, once upon a time... .

I have recycled numerous times with mine, so I know how you are feeling right now.  And no matter who tells you that this person is toxic, the fact of the matter is that until YOU have come to that realization / acceptance then people are wasting their breath... .

The recycles did help me as they allowed me to see things that I couldn't see while I was "in it... . "  But, the problem with the recycles, for us nons anyhow, is that they tend to reignite old feelings for us and the cycle of pain continues... . because ultimately we are nothing more than pawns to them... . something to soothe them... . a rebound... . ask yourself this:  Do you want to be treated like this?  Where is your self-respect?  Dignity? I think that the "doormat" analogy is pretty spot on... . because that's exactly how they will treat you... . IF YOU LET THEM!

Let me ask you this... . when do you have a chance to heal?  If you keep picking the scab, then how will it heal properly?

Don't get me wrong... . it always feels nice to be wanted, but with them it is never sincere as they are not capable of sustaining anything!

It's a sick cycle... . toxic... . you know what the ending will be... . I would just hope that another person would want  / demand / expect respect for themselves... .

What steps have you taken for YOURSELF?  Why don't you want more for YOURSELF then this?  Why is this person the be all end all of YOUR happiness?

MCC

[confusedhubby]

Hi Blurry.

Thank you for he comments. I think they are spot on. The problem with NC is that I have kids with her and trying to figure out how to move forward. She is an alcoholic and is demonizing me. The alcohol causes her BPD to go into hyper-drive. So the demonization and inappropriate behavior that accompanies it is very destructive.

But I will continue NC as its the safest thing for now.

[confusedhubby]

Hi MCC.

Thanks for sharing. I see your point and how you can think that my intentions are me wanting to get cancer.

However I have to children with her. She is a heavy alcoholic and this just makes her BPD go into hyper-drive. The reason I am hoping we can recycle is that maybe then she will be more responsive to get some kind of help treatment for her BPD. Or at the very least we can set up some type of safe interaction for the children and her. presently she can only see the kids supervised at a family visitation center run by the government. The problem is Currently she is so busy idealizing her new man she just cannot find the time to go there and see the children (or does not care to).

[confusedhubby]

I was wondering if anyone had any experience with a BPD trying to recycle after getting divorced? Is this a rare thing? Or is it common for BPD to go through the recycle phase as if no divorce had ever happened.

[mcc503764]

I was wondering if anyone had any experience with a BPD trying to recycle after getting divorced? Is this a rare thing? Or is it common for BPD to go through the recycle phase as if no divorce had ever happened.

My divorce with my xBPD was final in Sept 20011... . Since then, spent the past 2 years recycling numerous times... . usually when x is fresh off a rebound.

It was nice to feel that I still served a purpose in my x's life.  They were misleading, as I thought there was still a chance, while my x was using me as a Band-Aid.  She had well moved on, even before the divorce, and I didn't want to see it.

So every time we'd recycle and ultimately break up again, I guess I would see more and more about her, about who she is, and the type of person that she had become.  Not that I am the epitome of mental health here, very far from it, but during this time I began focusing on ME and reclaiming MY life... . I began working out everyday and learning how to focus on ME again... .

This is a process and by no means happens overnight, as I was still participating in the recycles myself. 

So, a few months back she appeared again.  We talked and casually did things together for a few weeks.  But, I came to the realization that I didn't really like the person that she was now!  She was openly coming from yet another rebound.  This time, I was the one who told her that I wasn't going to allow her to treat me as her doormat any longer.  I deserved better... . I deserved more!  It was the first time in four years that I actually stood up to her and it felt wonderful!

I guess my moral of the story is that as I became healthier, I didn't like what I was seeing from my x.  As I was getting healthier, I could see things more clearly I guess?  I didn't like how disrespectful she was to me.  I wasn't going to accept that in MY life any longer, because I deserve better!

I have let go of the anger/hate from all of this.  I tried to take the "high road" and told this to my x.  That was a waste and she quickly turned that one around to "all about her," (per usual), but at least I said it and got it off my chest. 

I guess I allowed myself to recycle so much because I was still carrying around a mountain of guilt from the failed r/s.  But the recycles actually helped me to see that no matter what I would have done, at the end of the day, she is still the same person!

I did the best with what I had to work with.  I can confidently look at myself in the mirror and rest easy now at night.  She is still the same person that she was as a child. 

The divorce was / is just a piece of paper for them.  That's it... . in my experience, anyhow, she was in a rush to marry quickly as her father was slowly dying.  That's it... . any player in the game would have suited her as that was her need at that moment.

I accept that and move forward with MY life!

MCC

[blurry]

 mcc, I can totally see myself following in your footsteps on this one, and I can see my "whateveryoucallher", at this point, going straight for an annullment as we speak and definitely trying to recycle down the road. Doubt ill learn from your story without taking my chances again, but I'm hopeful after reading your story, hoping I can even get to a point where being alone even seems better than being with her.

[mcc503764]

mcc, I can totally see myself following in your footsteps on this one, and I can see my "whateveryoucallher", at this point, going straight for an annullment as we speak and definitely trying to recycle down the road. Doubt ill learn from your story without taking my chances again, but I'm hopeful after reading your story, hoping I can even get to a point where being alone even seems better than being with her.

And ultimately, I have come to that conclusion that being alone is better than being with her.  My love for her once consumed me and I would never had imagined that I would come to this point!  I guess everyone has their own personal breaking point right?

I gave her 115%... . it was never reciprocated... . I gave her 120%... . it was never reciprocated... . (you see where I am going with this one.)

After two years of the games, the lies, the manipulations, the constant contradictions, I slowly learned how to put that "115%, 120%" into MYSELF, my children, my friends, my family, and I reclaimed MY life!

Not to say that she's not still a "blip on my radar," but I see it more, I understand it, and for me, it helps me to accept it!

Hope you can find your own way that will work for you in your process!

MCC

[momtara]

So you want her to come back, or you don't, or you just want her to idealize you again?  That doesn't seem to last... .

Seems that by kissing her, etc., you send her mixed signals. 

[Lao Tzu]

Dear confusedhubby,

     As said above, divorce (and I'll add marriage in the first place) are just sheets of paper.  One of the worst fits of raging and total dysregulation my pwBPD ever had in her life was when her ex-husband had the sheer audacity some years after their divorce (and the pwBPD's remarriage) to get remarried himself and even have a child.  She went absolutely bathite crazy, raged endlessly, lost her job, went on a drinking binge and semi-public sex binge (the latter documented to some degree thanks to the internet), etc, etc. 

     Suffice it to say that one can safely conclude that the marriage paperwork, divorce paperwork, vows, and so forth are a touch less meaningful to the pwBPD than they are to the "Non".

LT

[mcc503764]

     Suffice it to say that one can safely conclude that the marriage paperwork, divorce paperwork, vows, and so forth are a touch less meaningful to the pwBPD than they are to the "Non".

I couldn't agree more!  Disposable!  It filled her need at the moment. Plain and Simple!

MCC