Getting help to your uBPD ex

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Hi all,

First off, I'm very appreciative of this site and the help that is provided.  My story is in the "Intro/Welcome Aboard" forum if anybody is interested so I won't rehash that here.  I will say that though she's an uBPDgf, she easily shows 8 or perhaps all 9 of the traits associated with BPD.  I have been researching this disorder (alot) and in reading "Eggshells" and other books/texts, I believer her to be a "high functioning" BPD with some self-awareness of the issue.

That said, I will say outright, I'm not sure what my personal objectives here are; to hope that she comes back to me "fully healed"?  Sure, that would be a dream come true but I know that it can't happen or even if it could, it would take years of dedicated therapy.  But I do love her with all of my heart and because of my personality type, I want people that I know and love around me happy and healthy so I would love nothing more than to just see her getting help.  So the point; I've found a therapist that works with a lot of BPD clients here in town.  Her office is a stones throw from where I live actually.  My ex lives very near by as well.  I've spoken to her and feel confident enough in her to meet with her tomorrow to discuss my healing, why I chose to enter in to such a relationship, etc. but I have told her that I would love to explore the possibilities of trying to get my exBDFgf to come to therapy.

Now I know that *she* has to want to do it for herself.  Well she has before.  She's been to therapy before I met her but not now because she can't afford it.  I'm willing to cover the costs; at least initially.

The problem now is that I'm in the "silent treatment" mode from her.  2 weeks ago, it was a recycle clinger phase full of hope and promise and now I'm in the hater phase.  I guess I'll just ask my questions and gauge the responses:

1. What have you done to get out of the "hater" phase?  Can anything be done or is it just up to the BPD to decide? She will not respond to text nor email messages at this point.  I never got the "I hate you!".  In fact, her last text spoke of "healing one another and then perhaps, some day, in some capacity, perhaps we will meet again".  Almost fatalistic which had me very concerned but I know that she's "ok" at the moment (physically).

2. What have you done to convince your BPDex to get therapy?  I realize you can't just blurt out "I've diagnosed you with BPD, here's help!". I realize that the T will possibly have answers for this but I'm open to hearing stories of how others accomplished this with or without the help of their T.

3. As much as I care and love this women, is it really best to just get the hell out now and leave it all up to God (or whom/what ever) to decide her fate? The heartache has subsided and I have a date planned for the next couple of weekends with some ladies so I'm trying to move on.  My exBPDgf has/had a replacement but from her recent activity on facebook, I can sense that perhaps that is done or ending.

Thanks for any advice folks!

[In_n_Out]

Hi all,

First off, I'm very appreciative of this site and the help that is provided.  My story is in the "Intro/Welcome Aboard" forum if anybody is interested so I won't rehash that here.  I will say that though she's an uBPDgf, she easily shows 8 or perhaps all 9 of the traits associated with BPD.  I have been researching this disorder (alot) and in reading "Eggshells" and other books/texts, I believer her to be a "high functioning" BPD with some self-awareness of the issue.

That said, I will say outright, I'm not sure what my personal objectives here are; to hope that she comes back to me "fully healed"?  Sure, that would be a dream come true but I know that it can't happen or even if it could, it would take years of dedicated therapy.  But I do love her with all of my heart and because of my personality type, I want people that I know and love around me happy and healthy so I would love nothing more than to just see her getting help.  So the point; I've found a therapist that works with a lot of BPD clients here in town.  Her office is a stones throw from where I live actually.  My ex lives very near by as well.  I've spoken to her and feel confident enough in her to meet with her tomorrow to discuss my healing, why I chose to enter in to such a relationship, etc. but I have told her that I would love to explore the possibilities of trying to get my exBDFgf to come to therapy.

Now I know that *she* has to want to do it for herself.  Well she has before.  She's been to therapy before I met her but not now because she can't afford it.  I'm willing to cover the costs; at least initially.

The problem now is that I'm in the "silent treatment" mode from her.  2 weeks ago, it was a recycle clinger phase full of hope and promise and now I'm in the hater phase.  I guess I'll just ask my questions and gauge the responses:

1. What have you done to get out of the "hater" phase?  Can anything be done or is it just up to the BPD to decide? She will not respond to text nor email messages at this point.  I never got the "I hate you!".  In fact, her last text spoke of "healing one another and then perhaps, some day, in some capacity, perhaps we will meet again".  Almost fatalistic which had me very concerned but I know that she's "ok" at the moment (physically).

2. What have you done to convince your BPDex to get therapy?  I realize you can't just blurt out "I've diagnosed you with BPD, here's help!". I realize that the T will possibly have answers for this but I'm open to hearing stories of how others accomplished this with or without the help of their T.

3. As much as I care and love this women, is it really best to just get the hell out now and leave it all up to God (or whom/what ever) to decide her fate? The heartache has subsided and I have a date planned for the next couple of weekends with some ladies so I'm trying to move on.  My exBPDgf has/had a replacement but from her recent activity on facebook, I can sense that perhaps that is done or ending.

Thanks for any advice folks!

[Take2]

Hi In_n_Out... .  good for you for sounding so strong, pursuing therapy for yourself and being able to start dating again!  

In general there is nothing you can do to get out of the "hater" phase.  In fact, usually, the harder you try to show them what a good person you are, that you care, etc - the harder they will push you away and the more they will paint you black.  None of it has anything to do with you.  It's how they seem to need to process what they have done in order to justify it to themselves.  I would find in the past, at times but not all times, that if I just agreed with him about what a horrible person I must be, and he could sense that I was truly broken by him, he would actually suddenly change back.  But keep in mind this only worked when I WAS truly broken and he had me believing that it was all my fault, that I am a horrible person and deserving of the intense emotional and psychological abuse... .  

To convince my ex to get therapy?  Nothing.  I have talked to him multiple times about my issues, his issues, etc etc etc.  Trying to point out "hey we all have issues, I'm working on mine with a therapist, I really think you need to explore yours" - etc.  Only once did he actually say that it would be a good idea - but it was a time he crossed the line so badly that he KNEW he'd blown it with me.  And he didn't mean it.  As I was stupid enough to start talking to him again, he clearly lost all track of that one reasonable conversation we had had... . pretty classic abuser type apology, telling me what he knew I wanted to hear and then promptly forgetting it once he got me back... .

Every experience is different, every person is different... . only you can answer whether or not it's best for you to "get out now"... .   if you were to base it on my experience alone, I would tell you to run run run and get the hell out now.   I strong suspected that myself long ago but I didn't.  I work on those issues of mine and try to battle thru the empty void that I am yet again dealing with from my own situation.  But if I can helep someone else try to avoid the reality of what I have gone thru?  I will scream it at the top of my lungs... . GET THE HELL OUT NOW... .

[BorisAcusio]

In general there is nothing you can do to get out of the "hater" phase.  In fact, usually, the harder you try to show them what a good person you are, that you care, etc - the harder they will push you away and the more they will paint you black.  None of it has anything to do with you.  It's how they seem to need to process what they have done in order to justify it to themselves.  I would find in the past, at times but not all times, that if I just agreed with him about what a horrible person I must be, and he could sense that I was truly broken by him, he would actually suddenly change back.  But keep in mind this only worked when I WAS truly broken and he had me believing that it was all my fault, that I am a horrible person and deserving of the intense emotional and psychological abuse... .  

The only thing that "helped" me in the final devaluation was accepting the blame and good friend of her tried to paint me white again. Without her I think she would still see me as the pure evil.

[In_n_Out]

Thanks for both the replies.  I did send a very general email to my ex yesterday explaining the changes in me (working out, small job promotion, oh and seeing a therapist, and the cat is doing well... . ) and suggested that this therapist works with clients that have relationship issues and that perhaps she would be interested in chatting with her on my dime.  Not for us as a couple, but for her and her future.  I guess that all that I can do is pray that she reads it and has a moment of clarity and reaches out to the T (I left her name so she can find her on her own).

I guess what is odd to me is the last email and text that I got from my ex with an "fix us, and we'll see what happens" message.  Maybe I'm reading in to it (probably) or it's just one of the traits of the BPD (to keep me on the leash) but I almost read in the final correspondence "something IS wrong with me, with us, with THIS and you must go now in order for you to do better because I am not good for you.  I am going to try and heal and you do the same and then we can see where we are at".  They contain lots of "you were right" and "I will always remember this about you" and "I have to do this for myself", "go find the one that will love you for you" sentences. Is that just typical BPD messaging? 

[In_n_Out]

Well interestingly enough, I just read chapter 4 of "Walking on eggshells... . " and therein it answers the questions that I have and it summed up my co-dependence on trying to play "God" to solve her problems.  I can't and there's nothing that I can do about it.  I can't give up my life in order to try and save hers.  That really hit home.  Still sad about it, I'd really love to see her happy and healthy, but I can't do it nor can I persuade her to do it. 

For anybody that is in a similar situation, the "Walking on Eggshells" book is really a godsend.

[In_n_Out]

Somebody tell me that sending or leaving flowers for her (which she loves and that I didn't do often enough) would be a waste of effort and money - or not.  Somebody... .

By the way, one interesting aspect of her BPD; she can't express anger.  In nearly 4 years, we never ever even raised our voices to each other.  She would just storm off.  I read in "Eggshells" that there are a few BPD's that do this because they know that the rage that they do release will have a very dramatic effect and could chase off their security blanket. 

Also, I just had a chat with a mutual friend (well, I've known her since HS, my ex befriended her on facebook a couple of years ago).  My friend told me that she knows that my ex still loves me "without a doubt" but because of the difficult travels together (r/s), she's looking for a way and a place to move forward (that she said is ***her opinion**.  IF that alters the keep trying to make this work discussion.

[In_n_Out]

Thanks and I know that you're right.  I'm obviously grasping for straws here and I will definitely listen to someone that has been down *that* road before.  I've reached out to her (text/email) and that is about all that I can do.  I think that I'll just take comfort in the thought that some day, years from now, perhaps she will get "cured" and will then look upon the old emails/texts and say to herself "this was the one guy that really understood what was happening back then and he tried so hard to make it all alright.  Only if... . ". 

Thanks all-