He wants to separate but still 'be friends'

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After 30 years marriage things have reached the end of the line. I followed all the advice on this message board and it really helped to keep things together. Validation etc. We've recently gone through a very bad batch when he moved to work abroad, then was made redundant. He has now got a fantastic new job. I stupidly thought this would bring us happiness and I guess I was looking the other way forgetting his BPD characteristics. In spite of what we've come through and our lovely life together he has instigated separation - although has made it look like me who threw him out and is acting 'damaged'. He insists he wants to 'remain friends'. Even come home and cut the grass, decorate the house etc etc.  I am very deeply attached to him and suffering severe withdrawal.  I'd like to wean myself off him and detach slowly but is that realistic?

[toomanytears]

After 30 years marriage things have reached the end of the line. I followed all the advice on this message board and it really helped to keep things together. Validation etc. We've recently gone through a very bad batch when he moved to work abroad, then was made redundant. He has now got a fantastic new job. I stupidly thought this would bring us happiness and I guess I was looking the other way forgetting his BPD characteristics. In spite of what we've come through and our lovely life together he has instigated separation - although has made it look like me who threw him out and is acting 'damaged'. He insists he wants to 'remain friends'. Even come home and cut the grass, decorate the house etc etc.  I am very deeply attached to him and suffering severe withdrawal.  I'd like to wean myself off him and detach slowly but is that realistic?

[Clearmind]

  mwam - after 30 years of marriage its only natural that you would both go through some anxiety - I wouldn't be too hard on yourself.

If you are indeed separating there will be some contact in organizing finances etc.

Is it possible that him cutting the grass, offering to decorate the house maybe over stepping the boundaries a little? And that is what is making you feel uncomfortable?

[toomanytears]

I've had two days of misery, constant weeping and feeling utterly sorry for myself, checking for his texts, culminating in the car not starting. This was the final straw and made me go wild with grief that he was no longer here to help.

I've just read the article https://bpdfamily.blogspot.co.uk/2010/12/leaving-person-with-borderline_28.html

It's helped me enormously. I still feel pain and would love him to walk in the door and sweep me up in his arms but this insightful analysis has given me much more clarity and perspective.  I've bookmarked it and am going to read it whenever I waver.

It's clear he wants distance which he achieved by moving out of our beautiful family home.  But now he wants to behave like a knight in shining armour. Classic.

[heartandwhole]

mwamvua,

I'm so glad you found that article.  It was game-changing for me, too, and helped me tremendously to understand the dynamics of my relationship.  I was living in an illusion that I didn't want to let go.

Ironically, letting go of that illusion has filled me with a lot of compassion for my pwBPD (and myself).  It's been a rocky road, but the articles and lessons on this board have been a beacon for me.

Keep writing.  We are with you.