Heartbroken, but why?

[blurry]

Just hit day 8 of NC, little over two weeks since I've seen her and a little over three weeks since we were happily married (so I thought). Friend of mine just sent me a pic of her, post surgery, and I'm shaking and honestly feel like my heart is actually broken. Seeing her vulnerable plus just seeing her, period.

Coming up on a year since the first breakup where this nightmare all started, after proposing to me last august (for the first time), she absolutely devasted me last Sept, again in Oct, Nov, Dec, again in May, June, we married in July and now she again does it in August, taking it to a whole new level of heartbreak.

How in the world am I feeling so horrible and still love someone so much that the mere sight of a picture of her even brings out these feelings. I don't even know what she could of done more to hurt me over the past year and I'm still totally in love with her.

My minds racing all day every day trying to picture a scenario of how this can work out still, and short of letting it go for at least 6 months and then seeing where we are at, I can't come up with any solution. And even assuming it is somehow possible, all I can picture is her pleasuring other guys in the mean time, guys that are just trying to get a piece of #$%. Letting herself get used, or even her using them.

Incredible the things that run through my mind. I still don't see what I ever did to her to make her have to break up with me in the first place.

[seeking balance]

blurry 

Of course you are heartbroken - you married her, you loved her and you expected to be the one to take care of her in times like this... . it is reasonable you should be hurt - don't you think?

It takes time and it is ok to feel sad.

I understand the "working it out" feeling - it is the normal bargaining process of grief.  Unfortunately, you and I both know that without major therapy for both parties, the relationship going back after a real separation is very rare.  I doubt there is anything  you could have done differently to result in a much different outcome - try to remember BPD is bigger than you or me.

Take care of you right now.

Peace,

SB

[blurry]

All I wanna do is text her right now and tell her how much I love her and hope she recovers quickly and fully. But I know the pain of getting no response, or told to "go f myself" will be worse than just keeping to NC. Literally feel sick in my stomach right now, like I got punched.

[seeking balance]

All I wanna do is text her right now and tell her how much I love her and hope she recovers quickly and fully. But I know the pain of getting no response, or told to "go f myself" will be worse than just keeping to NC. Literally feel sick in my stomach right now, like I got punched.

Honestly, there is no right or wrong in this situation... . it is normal that you want to contact her.  However, she has made it clear not to - so fighting that urge and showing discipline will serve you well in the bigger picture.

I found times like you are in that a very physical workout helped - there are a few members who have taken up boxing even. 

no response, mean response or nice response - every single one of them hurt.  I remember this very well.  The feeling you have right now will pass, reacting to the feeling tends to make the pain linger.

[wrigley52]

Know how you feel NC is the best way! I havent heard a word from ex and its been easier.i heard from new girlfriend and started to shake!she eanted to know if i talked to him lately dont know what that was all aboutcan only hope its starting to fall apart! I tried to warn her butshedidnt believe me. Hang tough you can do this

[blurry]

Thanks for the support, yeah I know I can't break NC and that initial urge is already passing. Plus from past experience, I know no matter how much I tell her I love her and want to be together, it never worked before. Every time she's come back to me, its been after some period of strict NC, and she's been the one to break it.

I do know, if I want her back, I have to stick with NC, and if I want to move on, I have to stick with NC, so I guess that decision is clear enough. Its just so easy for me to tell others that, but following my own advice is so difficult.

[isseeu]

Hi blurry,

My situation is a bit different because I'm not married to my udpgbf but I too am on day 8 NC and sometimes it seems easier than others.

I'm so glad your initial urge to break NC is passing.  I keep thinking how much I regret it every time I sent a little connective text and got nothing in return. 

We seem to be in a similar place tho-whether we want them back or move on, NC seems to be the only answer.  I can only imagine how hard it is to want to support her right now-and to refrain from doing so because it's the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

Sending you warm thoughts for continued strength... .

[blurry]

 That's funny Iss, I was just replying to your post on the undecided board literally as you're replying to mine here. Looks like we really are on the same page at the moment.

Just a heads up, being that we have no kids/ property together. The dynamic of our relationship hasn't changed a bit since getting married. I figured marriage would make her think a minute or two before leaving me, essentially buying me more time whenever she dysregulated, so I could correct my reaction to her, but it made no difference whatsoever.

I believe there are extensive threads about how marriage has no effect on BPD and their ability to commit. It definitely proved true here, thise vows meant nothing to her and she didn't hesitate to end things at the first sign of conflict.

Where its gonna go from here, from past experience, literally anything is possible, I can't picture any scenario in my head right now, as far as how we can make this work. But I don't rule out anything.