question re: no contact

[tryinghard2012]

What is recommended to do about gifts and cards sent by uBPD mothers? We have been very, very low contact for over a year but only total no contact for last half year and are not sure what to do with the gifts a d cards she sends us. Last letter we returned resulted in a full on Bpd rage but want advice on a best practice.

[PrettyPlease]

What is recommended to do about gifts and cards sent by uBPD mothers? We have been very, very low contact for over a year but only total no contact for last half year and are not sure what to do with the gifts a d cards she sends us. Last letter we returned resulted in a full on Bpd rage but want advice on a best practice.

Hi tryinghard2012

Interesting and difficult problem. I can't speak for a general recommendation, but I had this happening for many years during LC, and what seemed to work best for me was a polite acknowledgement, but no other reference. I more or less ignored the stuff itself.

The case of this happening during NC is different though, so I hope some others will chime in here. My guess is that completely ignoring it would be the cleanest course. But that depends perhaps on how your NC is set up -- is it something you've told your mother openly? Or is it that you simply don't contact her, and all the contact initiation is from her end?

The different permutations and combinations are great, so maybe the most important question is how do you feel about the different options? --Keeping things and not saying anything, telling her to not send things, sending them back, and so on.

Or to take even another step back, is there someone you can discuss the merits of LC and NC with, like a therapist?

I'm thinking out loud here, so bear with me: you're on NC now, right? Yet, you got a rage. If that was during the NC (which it seems to have been from your statement, although I'm not certain), then effectively it wasn't really NC.

And if so, and you're committed to NC, you could try shifting over to the Detaching Board, where people are focused on the tools (both with self and other) needed to get that operating successfully.

PP

[Up In the Air]

Hi tryinghard2012,

My husband and I have struggled with the same thing. My MIL, an uBPD, tends to fit into the 'queen BPD' category and any and all gifts from her have a string attached. She uses money and gifts to manipulate and guilt us. We've sent them birthday cards this year; my husband doesn't write letters or anything, just a simple signing of 'from' and our names. We don't send holiday cards at all.

We did receive a Valentine's Day card from her with $20 in it after about 3 or four months of NC with her. My husband decided to send it back in an envelope, no note or anything. At that point she stopped sending cards until last month for my birthday and our anniversary and her tone had changed... . instead of 'We're so proud of you!' and 'We're so glad you're doing well!' (How would she know anyway?) she just signed 'Love mom'. She's not one to rage, but rather to attack from the side by cutting off sources of support (such as family and friends) with her relentless gossip and lies.

I don't know if there's any exact way of dealing with the cards and gifts. For us it's simply receiving the card and not responding. I know my husband has committed to returning any gifts, regardless of whatever form of BPD wrath comes after, as it's his way of holding that boundary up and refusing to be baited into some kind of IOU and the circle arguments that would follow. We kind of look at it like we're damned if we do, we're damned if we don't. Either way we handle it, it's going to be difficult.

I think part of NC is closing the door and saying 'I won't tolerate your abuse anymore. I need to heal.' Even after the initial NC it's hard to maintain and it's hard to know what to do, especially depending on how long you intend to go NC. Perhaps a letter stating you no longer want to receive gifts/cards as it makes you feel uncomfortable, stating that you are specifically drawing a boundary that you need her to respect and any form of irrational or hostile communication will not be tolerated?

How did you handle her rage at returning the letter?

OR perhaps a good session with a therapist or counselor would help you decide what's best to do in your specific situation. I'm sorry I can't offer more than what we've done/would do! Hoping you'll get some good answers!