He caught me on a dating site

[Cmjo]

Whoops, perhaps that was reckless of me, but I had my photo on a well known dating internet site for the last 6 months.

I left uBPDh one year ago, tired of verbal abuse and out of control behaviour.

Over the whole year, he has ignored all requests to meet to talk about arrangements for the kids and left me in constant chaos. He wont accept that its over, and I am not in thenfamily home anymore. He has asked me lots of times to go back and rebuild our relationship, but I feel there is nonhope or trust left, and I dont love him any more. I asked him to get help, at least for thensake of our children but he refuses. He stopped talking to me a couple of weeks ago, just wont answer the phone and ignoring messages. Then yesterday out of the blue he called me, and started asking about whatbshould he do to look for a new partner and could I recommend any websites... . I listened gobsmacked then realised somehow he knew. I told him it was best if we did not speak and put the phone down, and he send me a series of raging messages including a suicide threat and that I had obviously met someone else. I just felt better not to respond at all... . or to feel guilty about it.

Yes I have been on dates in the last few months, made some new friends, helped me think about what an ideal partner should be for me, and what mistakes I dont want to make next time! Its annoying that he found out so he can enjoy seeing me squirm... . but what the hell I do deserve a break to find a nice man who treats me well and doesnt call me names.

[Learning_curve74]

Cmjo, you are doing good things for yourself: meeting people, going out on dates, making new friends. That is excellent. 

Thinking of and caring for yourself is vital, you owe it to yourself not to let other people interfere with that. If you need a booster shot, repeat after Gandhi: I will not let anybody walk through my mind with their dirty feet. 

[Clearmind]

"caught"?  CMJO you have every right to do what you please now... .

[GreenMango]

I agree with Clearmind ... . It's an out of bounds topic now.  Staying the course communicating about the kids and logistics only.

And yes you do deserve someone who doesn't call you names. 

Are you worried about his mental state?

[Cmjo]

Yes I am annoyed at being caught because its my own private life and he will think he has free rein to make cruel digs at me for the rest of mynlife... . in fact he is trying to build up a case that I left him either because he wasnt rich enough or not good enough in bed... . so I know I wont hear the end of this for a LONG time.

Again last night I rang to speak to the kids and he took thenphone off my son, and said, ok so hows it going, I saw that you took your profile off the site haha, whats the problems why dont you want to talk about it? I had to say again if he had refused for one year to andwer my questions about arrangements for the kids he had a bloody nerve trying to talk to me at all.

I am not very worried about his mental state, although it does niggle me. I am wondering what he is saying to the kids. I havent seen them for a few days, he is on holiday for a week and looking after them, I am very busy working (although he says obviously I am with my new boyfriend). Cant wait to see them tomorrow and then on Sunday we move into a real house out of the temporary residence.

It is a blow as I did hold out hopes of his agreeing to sort out a schedule for the kids, though my friends say that I am deluded and that he is always going to make life difficult now I have left him.

The advice I would give to my own clients would be to write a brief letter giving im one more chance to come to an agreement, then starting court proceedings. Just hard to put into practice myself, I am wavering now over whether to ask for shared custody. I think I have been too soft on him so far, but that is my nature, I am genuinely sorry that our family is no more, but I have to remind myself that many have described his behaviour to me and the kids as abusive, and I have to do my duty to my children to not let that ever happen again.

[frustrated b/f]

I haven't read all the responses, however BPD spouse or not, I would find it a bit disrespectful. At least be somewhat discrete about it. Your marriage is not over (yet), and involving someone else in your situation is bit premature!

[Clearmind]

Those digs Cmjo come from a place of gross insecurity. Maybe try to balance this out and see why the digs bother you... . this is the whole point of detaching and healing from a BPD relationship. We have held onto these beliefs about ourselves well before they came along. Its possible digs from anyone have upset you in the past and you may take it personally - I'm guessing here CMjo - I don't know you.

Work on your self worth and you will not give a toss what he thinks.

[Cmjo]

Yes i suppose the digs do upset me! Yes why is that? I always give a toss what anyone thinks, I am very private. It just annoys me that he found out.

I had no idea I was not being discrete and he would find out. I was reckless I suppose.

And I agree for me its early days for a new partner, but I think I was looking for distraction, to feel attractive, affection, attention. I work hard and Im a good mum, and it helped me to know I could have a bit of a social life too, and sex. And real male company and conversation, after years of living with Mr cold and dysfuntional and unable to talk about his emotions at all.

I did wait 6 months after I left!

The comments that I am looking for a new parnter and new father for my kids, that I am putting myself on the market for up to the best offer. They are just ridiculous, he likes to make ridiculous comments to provoke me, Im used to that!

But it upsets me more the cruel and snidey way he is berating me over it, and the whole situation that I dont know when I will see my kids or when they will come back to me when they are with him, and next week they go back to school and I have no idea whether he will be helping pick them up from school or not.

And I do give a toss what he thinks, I have no wish to hurt him, I know he is very confused and will be hurt anyway for a very long time

[123Phoebe]

But it upsets me more the cruel and snidey way he is berating me over it, and the whole situation that I dont know when I will see my kids or when they will come back to me when they are with him, and next week they go back to school and I have no idea whether he will be helping pick them up from school or not.

Cmjo, I feel for your situation and can understand why it would be upsetting.

I hope this doesn't come across as judgmental, maybe I'm basing my own value system onto your situation, not sure.  It seems though that a lot of this upset you're experiencing could be remedied by having a concrete plan of your own.

You're a lawyer right?  You know how the law works.  Have you filed for divorce yet?

Could a lot of this be moot if in fact you were actually going through the motions of an actual divorce?  Where custody and structure and schedules are established... . by law.

If you feel stressed not knowing when you'll see your kids next, do you think the kids feel this stress of not knowing also?  Of not knowing what's going on exactly?  Who they live with and when?

What are your plans going forward?  Other than being found out on dating sites... .   Where do you see yourself in a year relationship-wise?  What can you do to make the process less upsetting and more feasible?

What do you want to happen?  It's up to you to make it a reality  

[Clearmind]

Time to put you first. He's controlling from afar - which he can do - we can't stop it. However we can work through the reasons why we allow it to impact us. Takes time.

You are entitled to date who ever you like! Dating is a great way to help find you again. Cmjo is lost in the midst of a bad relationship. He can't hurt you anymore if you work through your own feelings about you.

He's hurting himself - your actions will never hurt him because its your life and you hold the power.

[Cmjo]

Thank you For those comments which give me food for thought. Actually I feel I would like to put dating on hold now anyway... . it is going to take time for my oersonal inventory!

You are right I am lost in the bad relationship. I dont want to take control because somehow I am used to the chaos of our relationship, and I think feel bullied, that when I take control he will repeat the abusive behaviour, saying for example I am a lawyer so of course I want to use my profession to brow beat him, I think I am superior, I am cruel and reducing our 12 years together to a piece of paper, I am out to destroy him. Its true he will make it a nightmare for me if I up the stakes, and he really knows I am sensitive and this will hurt me.

I am very very tired, of the stress, working hard at my job, juggling the kids, grieving over the breakup... . confronting the problem with legal action will take a mega amount of energy. I am of course also worried that the mental health issue will come out in court, which is a serious isse because he is a policeman and this would ruin his career, and also I feel he would raise our violent arguments when I hit him, and it could all degenerate into a terrible struggle which one or both of us might collapse under the weight of!

I agree with all your advice, and will write out a plan. First I need to find a babysitter to help me from next week. And I need to spend a long weekend with my children as I havent seen them since Sunday!

[Clearmind]

I have a law background! I am more cerebral than emotional at times so when emotions do hit it I try to push them away rather than sit with them ---> avoidance.

Emotions are hard to process when I rend to mostly think with my analytical mind!

A plan sounds wonderful - great way to feel empowered.