Need some support here

[Marcia]

My elderly BPD mother lived in our town with us for two years. For no aparent reason she freaked out (we weren't doing enough for her even though we were spending several hours with her every week) and moved back to her condo several hundred miles away. she was so crappy to us even accusing my poor husband trying to help her straighten out her finances of "trying to get her money." Not that she has all that much!

We have been NC since she left 2 years ago... . she never expressed any regret over her behavior toward us, which was very hurtful, plain  mean and upsetting. Now my youngest son and his gf have moved an hour an a half from her, and we are going to visit him. I really don't want to see her. I did my best to take care of her, and she was terrible to us. Also, she recently sent my husband a bday card and I don't want to even open it, I know it will be full of guilt and recrimination.

Am I guilty of elder abuse? she is 86.

[Deb]

No. You haven't done anything abusive. She has abused you and you don't have to tolerate that. Open the card ONLY of you feel like it. If you should decide to have contact with her, set boundaries. She is recycling because she wants you back under her wing. You don't have to go there.

[Sasha026]

No, she's guilty of child abuse!

The same thing happened with my mother back in '05. She called me wailing that her financial broker was taking money from her (which may have been true for all I know - the woman was just as bad as my mother), so I took over all of her funds, got her to a great broker who saved what she had left and gave her a substantial monthly income, put all her records into spreadsheets so she could read them easily, and called FINRA and complained about her broker (fielding all of the calls). In other words, we spent weeks doing her books and what did we get for it?

She told me I was trying to steal from her and took the power of attorney away from me and gave it to my cousin. They're all alike - nuts. And, this was a "screwed if you do, screwed if you don't situation" because if I didn't help her she would have been broke inside a year. Was it appreciated? Nope. Not only that but I put her funds (or what was left of them) in a secure account where they were untouchable for three years.

Once, I found out by accident, one of her bonds became liquid and she received $3,000. She took that money and spent it as Walmart. No flat screen TVs for my mother - nope - I think she bought $3,000 of fuzzy toilet seat hats and bath mats. We never could figure out how she could spend $3,000 in Walmart and have nothing to show for it.

Your mother is being a witch. NC is blissful. Never, never, never feel guilty or bad. 

[Marcia]

Thanks Sasha. I know you are right... . there is nothing we can do for her that she won't punish us with and then undo. My sister is taking her long overdue turn as mothers contact person, so I am blessedly off the hook.

These folks don't change their spots... . no sense trying to re-write the story. My mom will abuse us till the end if she can get away with it. I need  to remember not to let her.

[P.F.Change]

You've got it backwards. Your mother's behavior is abusive.  Yours is protective.  There is nothing wrong with staying NC and allowing her to find her own solutions if she decides she needs help. She doesn't need you. You are not Obligated to visit her or accept contact from someone who has accused you or your DH of a crime.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Sasha026]

Oh, Marcia, I feel so bad for you. The guilt these women use to manipulate us is abhorrent. Thank God you have a sister who can help take her off your hands for a while. Just don't feel bad because you did a good thing that went totally unappreciated. Any normal mom would have thanked you.

I don't know about you, but with my mother, the older she got, the screwier and meaner she got. Her doctors said that she had dementia. That may have been true but she was "still in there", as I used to say. I used to think that she would mellow out as she got older but, in fact, she got worse.

I do not envy you dealing with an aging BPD... . it's not easy. 

[Marcia]

Thanks guys! It sure helps to hear from people who've been there! It'll never be easy but your wisdom helps.

[One Day at a Time]

Marcia,

I really hear you on this one.  I feel like the stress of engaging with my elderly uBPDm and enDad, even VLC and mostly via DH, is still going to put me into an early grave.  I'm in the process of "launching" my lovely, mature and otherwise well-adjusted son; are my middle years to be spent enslaved by FOG with my parents? Whend do WE get to leave home?  

I too struggle with figuring out the difference between going VLC as a way to maintain some sanity, and the years of silent treatment my own uBPDm subjected me to.  Sometimes I feel strong, and good about trying to set (and keep) healthy boundaries (with unhealthy people), and other times I feel guilty for "abandoning" them.  It is not easy to see clearly when reality has been skewed for most of our lives.

You are doing the right thing.  Stay strong, stay focused and know that she does not get to ruin your entire life.

[Marcia]

Hey One Day at a Time, I appreciate hearing from a fellow sufferer of an elderly BPD parent, In both of our cases a BPD mom. My sister is " in charge" these days, even tho she lives 2,000 miles away. When she visited mom  two weeks ago for her biannual visit, mom obstructed every effort she made to help. That sort of demonstrated to me that mom will not cooperate and must do things her way. She doesn't have any interest in us or our desire to help her. She has poor health, a poor grasp of her finances and no transportation to speak of. No family close to help her out. But she doesn't want us. So, that's the way it's going to be. I'm really trying to not let it ruin my life... .

What realistically is left to us with parents like this?

[losthero]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with the stress and guilt of an aging Bpdmom.  i had a very,very similar situation with my mother happen.  She ended up moving back to the town she had been living in around 350 miles from me. She also accused me of trying to steal her money as well when I tried to help her among other crazy delusional things to start a smear campaign against my husband and me.   She has one sister that still talks to her but she lives very far away.  She currently has no one else, not a friend, no church group, anything!  I tried the low ontact and it did not work. She lied and manipulated me and if I wasnt her perfect puppet/slave then I was against her and viewed by her as the enemy and then she would verbally abuse me and accuse me of stealing from her again.  After a short while she would then call crying saying she was sorry, that she loved me etc, then very quickly start with the manipulations, lies etc again, sucking the very life out of me.  i have a sister that waled out of her life 2 years ago.  Got tired og the abuse. My sister is uBpd as well.  Recently I went no contact with my mom about 3 weeks ago.  I have done this several times before but out of guilt of having an aging mom (62 years old but acts like she is 80) Whom has no one elsei always went back. i suffer from PTSD symptoms, depression, anxiety from dealing with years of her crazy making and guilt. I now want to focus on myself and my family.  Is thst so crazy? It shouldnt be.  I recently studied narcisstic mothers and am convinced my mom is narcissistic/ BPD along with a dash of histrionic.  I now view my mom as a blend of cluster B personality disorders with BPD or narcissistic being primary.  I have found no cure for her or myself. Setting boundries only made my own personal cage stronger but it was me in the cage. I was losing my soul, my life energy trying to negotiate with a self involved life sucker that did not truly love me or appreciate me. It was/is tortorous! Please think long and hard about yourself and YOUR needs, your family need before you engage again.  Just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your pain 

[Marcia]

Wow lost hero, the similarities are amazing between the two of them. The thing is, I think they would happily ruin our lives and marriages, careers etc. I think it is up to us to not let that happen. If they don't have their sons and daughters to depend on, I guess they will just have to do something else for support.

I think I need to stick with self preservation... . especially when helping just makes her mad!

[losthero]

Unfortunately, I think you are right. I finally realized that she actually ENJOYS our failures i.e. marriage, work, finances, etc. She is avery sad, bitter, jealous person.  I need to have safe, supportive people for myself and my family.  Its just so heartbreaking that my MOM can't be one of those people.  I hope you find some peace in your life along the way.