Their jealousy post break up?

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My xBPDbf was extremely jealous while we were together.  In fact the worst experiences I had with him were when he was drinking and flew into a jealous rage.  (May be beside the point but on none of these occasions did I give him any reason to be jealous.  He was creating scenarios in his mind.)  Sober he knew I never gave him cause to be jealous.  What is surprising me is he is still extremely jealous two months after he dumped me.  He knows I went on one date two weeks after the break up.  He went absolutely nuts because it was "too soon" and "disrespectful to our relationship".  (I've been seeing the guy casually... . maybe six dates in the last six weeks... . but he doesn't know that.)  One night he went on a very mean two hour text rant about it.  A couple of other times when he's clearly been drinking he has sent me some nasty texts "accusing" me of being on a date.  He told me he doesn't want to ever hear from me when I am "out" because it brings up a lot of "all too familiar awful feelings" thinking of me "flirting and/or dating".  He said you're probably doing both but I don't want to hear about it from you or anyone else.  I spoke to him briefly Monday and he brought it up again.

I have a really hard time with the thought of him dating someone else... . but he broke up with me.  He does want to be "friends" but has shown no desire to rekindle the relationship. 

It's been two months and I'm kind of confused by this. 

[Emelie Emelie]

My xBPDbf was extremely jealous while we were together.  In fact the worst experiences I had with him were when he was drinking and flew into a jealous rage.  (May be beside the point but on none of these occasions did I give him any reason to be jealous.  He was creating scenarios in his mind.)  Sober he knew I never gave him cause to be jealous.  What is surprising me is he is still extremely jealous two months after he dumped me.  He knows I went on one date two weeks after the break up.  He went absolutely nuts because it was "too soon" and "disrespectful to our relationship".  (I've been seeing the guy casually... . maybe six dates in the last six weeks... . but he doesn't know that.)  One night he went on a very mean two hour text rant about it.  A couple of other times when he's clearly been drinking he has sent me some nasty texts "accusing" me of being on a date.  He told me he doesn't want to ever hear from me when I am "out" because it brings up a lot of "all too familiar awful feelings" thinking of me "flirting and/or dating".  He said you're probably doing both but I don't want to hear about it from you or anyone else.  I spoke to him briefly Monday and he brought it up again.

I have a really hard time with the thought of him dating someone else... . but he broke up with me.  He does want to be "friends" but has shown no desire to rekindle the relationship. 

It's been two months and I'm kind of confused by this. 

[cylec]

Emelie, my exBPDgf did almost the exact same thing to me, along with the almost two hour rant by text.

Wish I could give you some words of wisdom, but besides you are absolutely not alone not sure what else to say.

[Emelie Emelie]

I wonder if it's still, at it's core, the fear of abandonment.  They can leave us but if we move on we're still, on some level, abandoning them? 

[Validation78]

Hi EE!

If neither of you has any desire to get back together, and you are officially broken up, then I would think that all bets are off. What you do is your business, and what he does is his.

If you are going to maintain a friendship, maybe it's best not to discuss whom you are each dating and keep the subject matter away from there. Maintaining a friendship after a break up will require you to have strong boundaries. If he brings it up, you can choose not to partake!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Ironmanrises]

Emelie,

When my exUBPDgf came back into my life after discarding me for 3 months... .

I asked her, "what if I was seeing someone else after you left me"... .

She replied, "I would have done everything in my power to break you up. You are MY man."... .

Now that she left me again, is she still feeling this kind of selfish jealousy?

Unknown. I am 55 days NC.

Based on her previous behavior... .

It wouldn't be far fetched to think that she would think the same exact thing as before.

So damaging to us.

I know how hurtful it is.

[Moonie75]

Ironman, me old mate.

I've noticed in many threads you're keeping count of how many days you've been NC.

If you're done for good you're going to be counting for eternity! Or are you counting the days to her coming back?

I did the counting the days thing, up to about a month, then realized it isn't healthy for me. I know what you're counting (the days) but for what purpose?

I ask this is a kind way mate I really do. Because it might just be a little something you're not realizing you're doing & is contributing to all the other thoughts that make us low.

[Scout99]

Hi Emelie!

I think Validation78 really has given you the best of advices here... .

When it is over, it has to be allowed to be over. And the best thing we can do to ourselves is not participating in blurring that line, or that boundary... .

As far as fear of abandonment goes, in the mind of most pw BPD all break ups in one way or another leaves them feeling abandoned. Regardless of if they themselves left the relationship... . This is where the heart of their disorder lies... . And it really doesn't have to do with who or what relationship was broken... . In their minds it reminds them of familiar and uncomfortable feelings from the past. And they connect those feelings with being abandoned... .

It has nothing to do with reality. But instead a pattern that repeats itself over and over... . Sort of in the same way a depressed person gets stuck in a thought pattern that goes round and round and they can't get out of it... .

In a disordered mind there are a bunch of broken records and they keep coming up in the jukebox over and over in random order... . It will be that way forever or until the person him or herself makes a choice for change and if then willing to work really hard for it to come about... . Re learning thought patterns that has been with us since childhood is extremely hard... .

To rid oneself of what to them feels like the truth that they are not lovable, will always be abandoned, and behavior patterns of reacting to every emotion that enters the mind... . And change that into good self esteem, good sense of self and on top of that learning how not to react the way they have all their lives... . That is a lot to ask... .

So in this situation, your ex bf probably still has feelings for you but also feels he can't handle being in a relationship with you, so he tries to keep you as a friend... . Which to him becomes like having you as a either go to person or a doll, he can sort of play with or get strength from when he misses you or needs validation... . Being a friend of a borderline is in my opinion even more tough on our self esteem, since that will only be about them and their needs... . Nothing else. A question for yourself is... . Are you up for that?

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Ironmanrises]

Moonie,

It's the way I like things to be in order.

Does that make sense?

My thoughts have been chaotic.

I don't want her to come back.

[TigerEye]

I too have experienced jealousy in my ex towards those who she deemed to be abandoning her, the ex who was still a 'friend' (some one I know, he dated my ex years ago) who started a new r/s and cut my ex out of the picture (not wanting to bring the dysfunction in to his new relationship) to name but one of many, many examples along this line (my ex hated the new g/f, funny, to me she seemed like quite a nice, together kind of girl). Friends, family, ex's, not many have not gone untouched by the treatment at some point to some degree or other. Many have walked away as the irrational and jealous rants became too much.

Even though I am still suffering a good amount of cognitive dissonance after our split nearly 4 months ago, on good days I can see that letting it go is the best thing for everyone, let her business be hers and I'll try my best to concentrate on mine.

I haven't posted much recently, but I still come here everyday and read. Before I was looking for answers about my ex, now I'm finding answers as to why I stayed, and they're the important things for me to fix now and I believe I can only really do that if I'm not trying to also live with someone else's disordered mind. Easy in principle... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hi double E, Maybe you need to sit with your feelings and figure out where you really want things to go with your Ex.  On the one hand, I think his jealous behavior is deplorable, yet on the other hand, I am uncertain why you are feeding the fire, so-to-speak, by disclosing details about your personal life subsequent to the breakup.  On some level, it almost seems like you want to get back together with him, but maybe I'm mistaken.  You've seen this jealous behavior before, as you describe, so it seems pretty obvious that he's going to continue along these lines when he hears you've been dating someone else.  The question in my mind is whether you still want to participate in this dance, which is something only you can answer.  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

[NiceGuy83]

The drinking may have simply lowered his inhibitions, allowing him to bring up something that was constantly troubling him.

My exgfwBPD didn't drink, but the jealousy would still rear it's head when it got the better of her. 

However, what some people don't realise is that the fear of abandonment causes pwBPD to try and control others, to manipulate them.  Guilt, anger, and projection are often tools used by the pwBPD.  The emotions can actually be real, or they can be an act, depending on the person and the situation.  PwBPD are capable of both, it seems.  So maybe he's never actually been jealous, but has reflected jealous behaviour and said jealous things simply to make you do or say what he wants. 

My ex would tell me, 'I've manipulated my partners.  I sometimes get angry just because I'm addicted to the drama'.  If an expwBPD is still emotionally manipulating you after the break-up, it's no guarantee they haven't moved on.  It's a control thing.  A game they are desperate not to lose.  You have to need them, so they can keep hurting you.  Hurting you validates them, and also allows them to continue to find fault with your behaviour, so they can 'paint you black'. 

The only way to get over a person with BPD is to go No Contact.  Trust me.  I've had to do it twice.  If you allow them any way in, they will use it to hurt you.  It's incredibly hard letting go, but it does get easier.  I am a little over 3 months NC with my most recent exwBPD, and it's rarely upsetting anymore.  But from what I see on these boards, that is not uncommon.  People who have issues lasting longer than 3 months all tend to say the same thing... . 'I let them back in' or 'I tried to be friends'.  Sometimes this dance of self-destruction lasts for YEARS.  Have a look across all these other stories. 

Trying to understand pwBPD is natural.  But you can't.  You can understand the condition, but only when you realise that the CONDITION means you can never understand the PERSON.  I hope that makes sense.  When you stop interacting with them, you stop getting new incidents to puzzle over.  Gradually you resign yourself to saying, 'I'll never get it, but that's ok.  So long as I move on and heal.' 

[Emelie Emelie]

Hi double E, Maybe you need to sit with your feelings and figure out where you really want things to go with your Ex.  On the one hand, I think his jealous behavior is deplorable, yet on the other hand, I am uncertain why you are feeding the fire, so-to-speak, by disclosing details about your personal life subsequent to the breakup.  On some level, it almost seems like you want to get back together with him, but maybe I'm mistaken.  You've seen this jealous behavior before, as you describe, so it seems pretty obvious that he's going to continue along these lines when he hears you've been dating someone else.  The question in my mind is whether you still want to participate in this dance, which is something only you can answer.  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

We got together a couple of weeks post break up and he asked if I had been out with anyone else.  I said yes, once, and it was very hard.  (Which it was.)  He was very upset.  Since then he has told me he doesn't want to know if I'm dating but still jabs me about it from time to time.  I don't respond to that.  He has decided he no longer wants a relationship with me and even if he did I know I can't go back to a relationship with him.  Yes... . a part of me wants to desperately but I know I can't.  Doesn't change the fact that I still love him and miss him and it hurts like hell.  I'm having a hard time letting go and in some ways so is he. 

[/quote

So in this situation, your ex bf probably still has feelings for you but also feels he can't handle being in a relationship with you, so he tries to keep you as a friend... . Which to him becomes like having you as a either go to person or a doll, he can sort of play with or get strength from when he misses you or needs validation... . Being a friend of a borderline is in my opinion even more tough on our self esteem, since that will only be about them and their needs... . Nothing else. A question for yourself is... . Are you up for that?

Best Wishes

Scout99

I don't know if I'm up for that or not.  So far not so good.  I'm realizing most of the interaction I have with him leaves me feeling hurt in some way.  I'm not sure if he wants me as a friend for the reasons you've described... . that's probably part of it but I also think he feels better about himself if he can say we're "friends". 

My ex would tell me, 'I've manipulated my partners.  I sometimes get angry just because I'm addicted to the drama'.  If an expwBPD is still emotionally manipulating you after the break-up, it's no guarantee they haven't moved on.  It's a control thing.  A game they are desperate not to lose.  You have to need them, so they can keep hurting you.  Hurting you validates them, and also allows them to continue to find fault with your behaviour, so they can 'paint you black'.

[/quote

Hi Nice Guy - I agree part of it is a control thing.  But I don't think he wants to intentionally hurt me.  I really don't.  In fact as I mentioned before I think it's part of the reason he wants to be "friends"... . because he feels like crap about how much he hurt me.  He has a lot of guilt over his behaviors.

It's been two months and I'm starting to feel a little stronger.  I don't feel as desperate and crazy about it.  I'm beginning to realize how much I was hurting in the relationship... . not just afterwards.  I'm even feeling pretty angry with him sometimes which is actually progress for me.   And I realize what a raging a$$hole he was a lot of the time.  I'm still not at the point where I can depersonalize the devaluation/break up... . it still hurts a lot and it's still rough a lot of the time but not ALL of the time which is a relief.  I'm working on detaching and trying to figure out how and why I got so entangled in this relationship in the first place.