Financial Abuse

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I feel sick!

Well I had a great weekend and the weather was just perfect.  I couldn't go to either of our holiday homes as I don't know if they are booked out or if Im going to find the recent ex with the new guy there. She has changed the password for the online booking service we use and the rental money is NOT going into our mortgage account, but I digress.

Quick background : She painted me black and I had to leave the house in the middle of the night before the new guy got there to belt my head in. I had been suggesting for the entire month of the most profound devaluation that we "shake hands and walk away" but she had to do it her way. There was and will be no closure. My saving grace is this forum so thank you everybody.

I've been working through financials for a week now to see what I spent on the relationship and had to stop today when I hit the $1m mark as it made me sick.   That's $1m for the first five years and I still have two years to go. That's what it cost me to be with her and buy into the house she was going to lose, overseas holidays, braces for her kid, medical specialist fees for the other kid, home repairs and renovations and so on. It's not that she didn't spend money irresponsibly herself. The difference is that HER money was spent on her, not on my child who did not live with us, and very begrudgingly on her children. Clothes, shoes, every conceivable gadget in the house and, did I mention shoes? Yes, shoes and more shoes. I spent money as if we were a nuclear family, as if they were my kids, as if that was my house.

Add to this, stealing my check book; asking the electrician who did faulty work at our home to refund MY MONEY by depositing it directly to HER personal account and not telling me about it; selling the wheelchair I bought her and pocketing the money but the worst is this and I'm very embarrassed to say it... .

When she settled with her second husband, she was not able to keep the house.  I was in the market for a house and I bought into it. Her name was already on the title deed for the house so adding my name would incur some $15,000 in stamp duty. To reduce this amount she suggested I take a smaller share of ten per cent so that I would pay less stamp duty and after a qualifying period she would "gift" the other 40% to me. A gift does not attract stamp duty. I gave her the ultimate trust and agreed even though the mortgage was 50/50. I felt this would also allay her abandonment fears as it shows my ultimate in trust in her and my long term commitment.

Well, after the qualifying period she refused to "gift" the other 40%. After we married, she still refused as "we're married now, it's 50/50". In Australia even a de facto spouse who has barely contributed to the house often gets 50/50 in settlement so I knew I would always get my money back.

In the first major devaluation phase I sought legal advice and found I only had FIVE per cent of the house -  not ten.  I presented this to her and she refused to look in my direction or discuss it.  I asked her if her lawyer had advised her of the change from 10% to 5% after I signed the documents but no response. I asked her to sign the transfer document prepared by my lawyer and she argued "we're married now, it's 50/50. I understood that but I pointed out that I gave her the ultimate in trust and she had abused it. I really needed her to make good. She insisted I would be paying $10,000 to complete  the transfer and it was "a waste of money". I pointed out that cost was only $200 for the lawyer and as she finally ran out of excuses she signed and the problem would now be corrected. Or so I thought.

I left her a few weeks later. The bank contacted her to verify her signature and she said she had never signed such a thing. When it was pointed out to her that she did sign, she said she signed "under duress".  The transfer was never completed and like a fool, I went back to her.

Part of the smear campaign at that time was that I forced her to sign over HER house to ME and it continues now after the final breakup. Looking at my accounts, my mortgage payments at one time were are a constant $4,000 per month plus in many months I paid her mobile phone bill, her union dues, the house phone which I rarely if ever used, her credit cards, eletcricity and other utilities and so on. In some months her bills that i paid equalled my mortgage contribution so it's like I was making two mortgage payment per month.

And on top of that, the recent police-issued restraining order says that I "take and spend all my wife's money". How did the police verify that?

Thank you for letting me rant. I felt sick when I started this but feeling a whole lot better now. I'm going to do some gardening.

[Aussie0zborn]

I feel sick!

Well I had a great weekend and the weather was just perfect.  I couldn't go to either of our holiday homes as I don't know if they are booked out or if Im going to find the recent ex with the new guy there. She has changed the password for the online booking service we use and the rental money is NOT going into our mortgage account, but I digress.

Quick background : She painted me black and I had to leave the house in the middle of the night before the new guy got there to belt my head in. I had been suggesting for the entire month of the most profound devaluation that we "shake hands and walk away" but she had to do it her way. There was and will be no closure. My saving grace is this forum so thank you everybody.

I've been working through financials for a week now to see what I spent on the relationship and had to stop today when I hit the $1m mark as it made me sick.   That's $1m for the first five years and I still have two years to go. That's what it cost me to be with her and buy into the house she was going to lose, overseas holidays, braces for her kid, medical specialist fees for the other kid, home repairs and renovations and so on. It's not that she didn't spend money irresponsibly herself. The difference is that HER money was spent on her, not on my child who did not live with us, and very begrudgingly on her children. Clothes, shoes, every conceivable gadget in the house and, did I mention shoes? Yes, shoes and more shoes. I spent money as if we were a nuclear family, as if they were my kids, as if that was my house.

Add to this, stealing my check book; asking the electrician who did faulty work at our home to refund MY MONEY by depositing it directly to HER personal account and not telling me about it; selling the wheelchair I bought her and pocketing the money but the worst is this and I'm very embarrassed to say it... .

When she settled with her second husband, she was not able to keep the house.  I was in the market for a house and I bought into it. Her name was already on the title deed for the house so adding my name would incur some $15,000 in stamp duty. To reduce this amount she suggested I take a smaller share of ten per cent so that I would pay less stamp duty and after a qualifying period she would "gift" the other 40% to me. A gift does not attract stamp duty. I gave her the ultimate trust and agreed even though the mortgage was 50/50. I felt this would also allay her abandonment fears as it shows my ultimate in trust in her and my long term commitment.

Well, after the qualifying period she refused to "gift" the other 40%. After we married, she still refused as "we're married now, it's 50/50". In Australia even a de facto spouse who has barely contributed to the house often gets 50/50 in settlement so I knew I would always get my money back.

In the first major devaluation phase I sought legal advice and found I only had FIVE per cent of the house -  not ten.  I presented this to her and she refused to look in my direction or discuss it.  I asked her if her lawyer had advised her of the change from 10% to 5% after I signed the documents but no response. I asked her to sign the transfer document prepared by my lawyer and she argued "we're married now, it's 50/50. I understood that but I pointed out that I gave her the ultimate in trust and she had abused it. I really needed her to make good. She insisted I would be paying $10,000 to complete  the transfer and it was "a waste of money". I pointed out that cost was only $200 for the lawyer and as she finally ran out of excuses she signed and the problem would now be corrected. Or so I thought.

I left her a few weeks later. The bank contacted her to verify her signature and she said she had never signed such a thing. When it was pointed out to her that she did sign, she said she signed "under duress".  The transfer was never completed and like a fool, I went back to her.

Part of the smear campaign at that time was that I forced her to sign over HER house to ME and it continues now after the final breakup. Looking at my accounts, my mortgage payments at one time were are a constant $4,000 per month plus in many months I paid her mobile phone bill, her union dues, the house phone which I rarely if ever used, her credit cards, eletcricity and other utilities and so on. In some months her bills that i paid equalled my mortgage contribution so it's like I was making two mortgage payment per month.

And on top of that, the recent police-issued restraining order says that I "take and spend all my wife's money". How did the police verify that?

Thank you for letting me rant. I felt sick when I started this but feeling a whole lot better now. I'm going to do some gardening.

[Surnia]

O Aussie

Facing all this is really hard. 

Looks like she is very good with money to her favor... .

I can so relate with the money issues. It came a moment in my life were I had to face that I have no healthy boundaries with money. I was assuming that others have a similar approach for money than me which is: To earn more than spend. It took me soo long to find out that some people let others earn for them without remorse... .and I did nothing against. 

Is there anything on the legal side, Aussie, to minimize the impact? Perhaps you may need also the advice from the legal board about it... .

[Aussie0zborn]

Thank you Surnia - I know this was a boring rant and I appreciate your  reply. I'm preparing my financials for settlement so I'm OK for legal advice and we just need to follow the process now. I was just alarmed at how much it added up to.

I forgot to mention that she always insisting she was putting more money into our mortgage yet her take home earnings were 1/3rd of mine. Add to that I got a tax debt this year of over a quarter of a million dollars and when I told her, the marriage was well and truly over. Add to that that business has dropped to half of last year and I am well and truly stuffed. Yet, I supposedly "took and spent all her money". Pfft. I'm sure she actually believes this.

I'm not rolling in money - I drive around in a van all day carting equipment around, setting it up and packing it down. Think of you local electrician or plumber that drives around in a van all day long.

[Surnia]

I dont think you are just ranting here. Its part of facing the facts. Doing some math and adding all together can be an eyeopener. And admitting it is not so easy. No, not ranting. 

I know exactly what you mean about not rolling about money. Its about healthy financial boundaries. You and I and others here are/were not the gold ___ting donkey. And its good starting take care off this side of a relationship too.