I know it is time to move on with my life

[Depression = 72% of members]

It was recommended I post this here. It's long, so please bear with me. My wife of two years and three months left me on July 3rd, 2013. We had been together for just over 3 years and 3 months and known each other for 4+ years. She was my assistant at work, we never dated then, but we were both let go in 2009. We commiserated together a few months later and hopped into bed one night, and she never left that first year (except once).

Early on she was reluctant to give her heart to anyone, as it had been broken so many times. Her father was abusive, her ex-husband was abusive, a former boyfriend tried to smother her with a pillow. She said she had a mental illness, but said she wasn't sure what it was. I said, "I'll be here for you." That was then.

That summer, she left her three teenage children under the care of her 20 y/o daughter and her 30 y/o boyfriend. Her rental home was just 5 minutes away, so we thought it was alright. I drank a lot and the boyfriend wasn't paying rent as promised and she was bouncing checks, so I kicked him out like she asked.

One day, during the summer of 2010, she got upset and took off. After a couple of days, I decided to find her. She was hiding in her bedroom and was glad I came to rescue her. After we had been together for six months she said she had a proposition, that she and her three teenage kids and two puppies move in with me. Of course I said yes, as the sex was great.

Big mistake, the kids trashed the house and my drinking got worse. And the puppies were intolerable. I said maybe it would be best if I move out and they could have my apartment. She had a tantrum and hid crying in her youngest daughter's (13 y/o whom I will refer to as A) room for two or three days. I finally coaxed her out and was talking to her in the kitchen. A came storming out of her room and began screaming at me. “We're going to take you for everything you have!” she yelled. My wife told her to be quite and sent her back into her room.

We were so in love that we got married in March 2011 on our one year anniversary of the first night we slept together. We had a lot of fun together and never left each other's side. We were soul mates, we were going to mix our ashes together when we died. During 2011-2012 both of our parents died. Three days after we were married she took off to her home state and was gone for six weeks. We never had a honeymoon.

Later that summer on her birthday, I had bought tickets to see a country music legend. She said she didn't want to go, so I took off my wedding ring and left on the bedside table. (I know, I am crazy, too.) I went to the concert and came back home a bit inebriated. She lit into me in front of her kids and when I saw her wedding ring on the kitchen table, I took them both and threw them out in the back yard. She and her kids were screaming at me, A wanted to punch me. I wanted them out of my life and took a bunch of their stuff, including the bike I recently bought for A, to the salvation army. Very hurtful things that I did.

A found her mother's wedding ring and things subsided for a while. I inherited some money and decided to buy a house in a different state where it was more affordable to live. Two of the kids went with us, the third decided to stay with her dad, who threw her out of the house the following spring, but that is another story. I had quit drinking and life seemed okay for a while. Then one of the A's friends was drunk and said that she got the booze from our house. The police investigated and realized it was a false allegation. A wanted to return to her home state and was encouraged by her father to create discord among us.

Things got out of hand in February 2012. Her kids were smoking in the house I just bought and my wife exercised no control over them. I was forbidden to discipline them. I relapsed to drinking again after six months sober. A told her mother that I was drunk, a my wife lit into me once more. I suggested that it might be best if they all moved out.

After my binge I realized that they were really moving out and threatened suicide if she did leave. She called the police and I went to the ER and then to a crisis stabilization unit for five days. My wife came and got me and took me home, but when she called me late that night I had been drinking again and said something about her kids, and she hung up the phone. I didn't hear from her until three months later, and we soon picked up our relationship as happy campers do.

She said living with her kids was torture, always arguments. (my therapist has since noted, “what's the common denominator here?”). Both of the kids returned to live with their father. In January 2013, my wife's ex received full custody of the kids.  A ran away from her father's this past spring, but returned soon after after my wife called the police. My wife claimed that she never received notice of the court date. In February 2013, my wife spent the day before Valentine's Day on the sofa texting her ex trying to arrange to see the kids over February Vacation. When they had reached an impasse, my wife became very depressed. I tried to tell her to stop texting her ex.

She spent Valentine's Day in bed. She got up at dinner time and then returned to bed. There was no romance. I had a couple of night caps and went to bed late that night. In the morning she wouldn't speak to me, I asked her why and things spiraled out of control. I had promised I would not drink, she shrieked, and left into a snowstorm in her PJ's and boots. The police report will show that I went to the Police concerned about my wife's well-being. She later confided in me that she had contemplated committing suicide by either running out in front of a logging truck or a train. In the police report, it records that there were no drugs or alcohol involved, no firearms, and no injuries reported.

The Ambulance Service subsequently took my wife to the Emergency Room. For two weeks I received no information regarding her whereabouts or condition, but I made several desperate calls around the state seeking to find her. I was in a panic.

On or about March 1, 2013, Paula, the nurse who admitted my wife to the Medical Center, called me to inform me that she was being transferred out of the Psychiatric and Addiction Recovery Center to a Mental Health Center, and that I should expect a call from her. She called the next day and requested I send her clothes and supplies, which I did.

She was next transferred to a Crisis Stabilization Unit and after about a week there was transferred to the Homeless Shelter so that she could attend the recommended 12 weeks of Intensive Outpatient – Partial Hospitalization (IOP) at a Hospital beginning March 11, 2013.

I saw my wife several times while she was at a Homeless Shelter and took her on day-trips to shop for necessities, including a day to celebrate our second wedding anniversary on March 28th, which we had missed the previous year. After about three weeks, she called and asked me to bring her home as she had developed an upper respiratory infection.

In mid-April 2013, I brought her home. Not one of the staff at the Hospital provided me with any information regarding her diagnosis or instructions for her care. I offered her the use of my VW to drive over 90 miles a day, five days a week, to attend IOP at the Hospital, as I was supportive and hopeful for the treatment she would be receiving there.

Although her IOP classes at the Hospital ended at 4 pm, she frequently did not return until 9 pm or later, and sometimes not at all. In early June 2013, my wife informed me that she had found an apartment near the bus line and would not need the car. I asked her when she would return the car. She said after she had moved out.

I purchased the VW in August 2009, for $10,067 over a year and a half before we were married. Since my funds were low, my wife offered to pay for the repairs which amounted to $2,851.20. I had a beer on the way back home and she lit into me, calling it "her" car. I am a premier driver with my insurance company.

In the last two weeks of June 2013, my moved the bulk of her possessions to her new confidential residence. She completed moving her belongings on July 3, 2013, under police guard. I helped her load the car and gave her one last kiss goodbye. Since then, I have respected her request for no contact.

In the Temporary Protection Order under Other Relief Requested is the VW. After over three weeks without knowing where my car was parked at night, I asked my case manager to contact her case manager, to ask about arranging a plan to return the car. She contacted her case manager on July 24, 2013, and the very same day my wife filed a Temporary Protection Order.

In addition, I probably pissed her off when I posted a BPD poster on facebook about national BPD month and how life can be a roller coaster. Since she said she didn't know what she had, and repeatedly said that they weren't sure either, I thought she should know. I hadn't listened to Eddy & Kregar's Splitting yet.

I had wanted the car back so I could sell the other car to pay taxes. I honestly did not know that she wanted to keep the car, as she did not communicate this to me.

In court, she basically threw everything but the kitchen sink at me, some true, much of it exaggerated, embellished, or outright lies. Since the judge must err of the side of the plaintiff, the order was upheld. However, the judge did not grant her the car, but said we would work it out in our pending divorce.

I was unaware of a pending divorce, but hired an attorney to try and serve her first. As her address was confidential, she served me first. The divorce summons says title to real estate involved. At my attorney' request, and by my calculations, she was gone over 9.5 months of our 27 month marriage and contributed very little to the household expenses.

I know it is time to move on with my life, but this is very much preoccupying my mind as I prepare for court again. It seems like she was planning her revenge (for what, loving her?) from very early on. I feel like her scapegoat for all her past failed relationships. Like a really bad soap opera.

My therapist actually worked at the same psychiatric hospital where she is receiving care for 12 years. I asked him if I had a PD, and he said no, but I am not so sure. We don't have any contact, I don't even know where she lives, so this is all for my own understanding and peace of mind now. Thank you.

[oblivian2013]

It was recommended I post this here. It's long, so please bear with me. My wife of two years and three months left me on July 3rd, 2013. We had been together for just over 3 years and 3 months and known each other for 4+ years. She was my assistant at work, we never dated then, but we were both let go in 2009. We commiserated together a few months later and hopped into bed one night, and she never left that first year (except once).

Early on she was reluctant to give her heart to anyone, as it had been broken so many times. Her father was abusive, her ex-husband was abusive, a former boyfriend tried to smother her with a pillow. She said she had a mental illness, but said she wasn't sure what it was. I said, "I'll be here for you." That was then.

That summer, she left her three teenage children under the care of her 20 y/o daughter and her 30 y/o boyfriend. Her rental home was just 5 minutes away, so we thought it was alright. I drank a lot and the boyfriend wasn't paying rent as promised and she was bouncing checks, so I kicked him out like she asked.

One day, during the summer of 2010, she got upset and took off. After a couple of days, I decided to find her. She was hiding in her bedroom and was glad I came to rescue her. After we had been together for six months she said she had a proposition, that she and her three teenage kids and two puppies move in with me. Of course I said yes, as the sex was great.

Big mistake, the kids trashed the house and my drinking got worse. And the puppies were intolerable. I said maybe it would be best if I move out and they could have my apartment. She had a tantrum and hid crying in her youngest daughter's (13 y/o whom I will refer to as A) room for two or three days. I finally coaxed her out and was talking to her in the kitchen. A came storming out of her room and began screaming at me. “We're going to take you for everything you have!” she yelled. My wife told her to be quite and sent her back into her room.

We were so in love that we got married in March 2011 on our one year anniversary of the first night we slept together. We had a lot of fun together and never left each other's side. We were soul mates, we were going to mix our ashes together when we died. During 2011-2012 both of our parents died. Three days after we were married she took off to her home state and was gone for six weeks. We never had a honeymoon.

Later that summer on her birthday, I had bought tickets to see a country music legend. She said she didn't want to go, so I took off my wedding ring and left on the bedside table. (I know, I am crazy, too.) I went to the concert and came back home a bit inebriated. She lit into me in front of her kids and when I saw her wedding ring on the kitchen table, I took them both and threw them out in the back yard. She and her kids were screaming at me, A wanted to punch me. I wanted them out of my life and took a bunch of their stuff, including the bike I recently bought for A, to the salvation army. Very hurtful things that I did.

A found her mother's wedding ring and things subsided for a while. I inherited some money and decided to buy a house in a different state where it was more affordable to live. Two of the kids went with us, the third decided to stay with her dad, who threw her out of the house the following spring, but that is another story. I had quit drinking and life seemed okay for a while. Then one of the A's friends was drunk and said that she got the booze from our house. The police investigated and realized it was a false allegation. A wanted to return to her home state and was encouraged by her father to create discord among us.

Things got out of hand in February 2012. Her kids were smoking in the house I just bought and my wife exercised no control over them. I was forbidden to discipline them. I relapsed to drinking again after six months sober. A told her mother that I was drunk, a my wife lit into me once more. I suggested that it might be best if they all moved out.

After my binge I realized that they were really moving out and threatened suicide if she did leave. She called the police and I went to the ER and then to a crisis stabilization unit for five days. My wife came and got me and took me home, but when she called me late that night I had been drinking again and said something about her kids, and she hung up the phone. I didn't hear from her until three months later, and we soon picked up our relationship as happy campers do.

She said living with her kids was torture, always arguments. (my therapist has since noted, “what's the common denominator here?”). Both of the kids returned to live with their father. In January 2013, my wife's ex received full custody of the kids.  A ran away from her father's this past spring, but returned soon after after my wife called the police. My wife claimed that she never received notice of the court date. In February 2013, my wife spent the day before Valentine's Day on the sofa texting her ex trying to arrange to see the kids over February Vacation. When they had reached an impasse, my wife became very depressed. I tried to tell her to stop texting her ex.

She spent Valentine's Day in bed. She got up at dinner time and then returned to bed. There was no romance. I had a couple of night caps and went to bed late that night. In the morning she wouldn't speak to me, I asked her why and things spiraled out of control. I had promised I would not drink, she shrieked, and left into a snowstorm in her PJ's and boots. The police report will show that I went to the Police concerned about my wife's well-being. She later confided in me that she had contemplated committing suicide by either running out in front of a logging truck or a train. In the police report, it records that there were no drugs or alcohol involved, no firearms, and no injuries reported.

The Ambulance Service subsequently took my wife to the Emergency Room. For two weeks I received no information regarding her whereabouts or condition, but I made several desperate calls around the state seeking to find her. I was in a panic.

On or about March 1, 2013, Paula, the nurse who admitted my wife to the Medical Center, called me to inform me that she was being transferred out of the Psychiatric and Addiction Recovery Center to a Mental Health Center, and that I should expect a call from her. She called the next day and requested I send her clothes and supplies, which I did.

She was next transferred to a Crisis Stabilization Unit and after about a week there was transferred to the Homeless Shelter so that she could attend the recommended 12 weeks of Intensive Outpatient – Partial Hospitalization (IOP) at a Hospital beginning March 11, 2013.

I saw my wife several times while she was at a Homeless Shelter and took her on day-trips to shop for necessities, including a day to celebrate our second wedding anniversary on March 28th, which we had missed the previous year. After about three weeks, she called and asked me to bring her home as she had developed an upper respiratory infection.

In mid-April 2013, I brought her home. Not one of the staff at the Hospital provided me with any information regarding her diagnosis or instructions for her care. I offered her the use of my VW to drive over 90 miles a day, five days a week, to attend IOP at the Hospital, as I was supportive and hopeful for the treatment she would be receiving there.

Although her IOP classes at the Hospital ended at 4 pm, she frequently did not return until 9 pm or later, and sometimes not at all. In early June 2013, my wife informed me that she had found an apartment near the bus line and would not need the car. I asked her when she would return the car. She said after she had moved out.

I purchased the VW in August 2009, for $10,067 over a year and a half before we were married. Since my funds were low, my wife offered to pay for the repairs which amounted to $2,851.20. I had a beer on the way back home and she lit into me, calling it "her" car. I am a premier driver with my insurance company.

In the last two weeks of June 2013, my moved the bulk of her possessions to her new confidential residence. She completed moving her belongings on July 3, 2013, under police guard. I helped her load the car and gave her one last kiss goodbye. Since then, I have respected her request for no contact.

In the Temporary Protection Order under Other Relief Requested is the VW. After over three weeks without knowing where my car was parked at night, I asked my case manager to contact her case manager, to ask about arranging a plan to return the car. She contacted her case manager on July 24, 2013, and the very same day my wife filed a Temporary Protection Order.

In addition, I probably pissed her off when I posted a BPD poster on facebook about national BPD month and how life can be a roller coaster. Since she said she didn't know what she had, and repeatedly said that they weren't sure either, I thought she should know. I hadn't listened to Eddy & Kregar's Splitting yet.

I had wanted the car back so I could sell the other car to pay taxes. I honestly did not know that she wanted to keep the car, as she did not communicate this to me.

In court, she basically threw everything but the kitchen sink at me, some true, much of it exaggerated, embellished, or outright lies. Since the judge must err of the side of the plaintiff, the order was upheld. However, the judge did not grant her the car, but said we would work it out in our pending divorce.

I was unaware of a pending divorce, but hired an attorney to try and serve her first. As her address was confidential, she served me first. The divorce summons says title to real estate involved. At my attorney' request, and by my calculations, she was gone over 9.5 months of our 27 month marriage and contributed very little to the household expenses.

I know it is time to move on with my life, but this is very much preoccupying my mind as I prepare for court again. It seems like she was planning her revenge (for what, loving her?) from very early on. I feel like her scapegoat for all her past failed relationships. Like a really bad soap opera.

My therapist actually worked at the same psychiatric hospital where she is receiving care for 12 years. I asked him if I had a PD, and he said no, but I am not so sure. We don't have any contact, I don't even know where she lives, so this is all for my own understanding and peace of mind now. Thank you.

[Aussie0zborn]

Sorry to hear if your struggle. Mine planned her revenge too for the same reason as yours - for loving her. Their perception is that you never loved them and were going to abandon them anyway and she was proved right.

Good company and keeping yourself busy is a good way to get her out of your head. I too am preparing for a court case and thinking of things I had forgotten about or blocked, I just could not keep her out of my head today which is very annoying. Find something that relaxes you like gardening or just go for walks. Keep busy, focus on what you need to prepare for court and relax as much as possible.

The storm has passed now and there are brighter days ahead. Keep well. 

[heartandwhole]

oblivian2013,

I'm sorry to hear of your struggle, that is so painful.  I'm glad you posted.  It's very understandable to be preoccupied with a pending court date looming.  Be gentle with yourself and give yourself some time to get stabilized again.  These kinds of relationships can really take it out of us, and I think that so often we don't even realize how much we have been affected until we start to refocus on our own lives.

Have you posted on the Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody?  The members there have experience with divorce and separation, so I'm sure that would be helpful as well.

How are you taking care of you these days?  Getting enough sleep, exercise?  Just simple things can help so much.

You will get through this. We're here for you.