mother-in-law came to town, she is super controlling of my wife... need advice

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My wife's mother is the single greatest cause to all our suffering and her emotional issues. When we first got married my wife went for treatment and the psychologist told me to come one day and told me that my wife's mother is extremely abusive and controlling and we would have to look at the option of 6 months of no contact between them to allow my wife to heal (which sadly never occured).

  I personally saw how shockingly abusive she was to her kids. She wouldnt let them have friends or go on school trips always making up some reason. She completely dominates and controls them. Over the last few years I have kept my mouth quiet on many occasions, and now when her name is even mentioned I feel my nerves going into shock.

  Right now with the whole situation with childrens aid society and me being an "abuser" (while all facts disprove that), how in the universe can my mother-in-law fly into town, and basically move into the house when she is 80% the source to a lot of our troubles?

  And my wife to top it off has told CAS (childrens aid society) that she doesnt want my mother to see the kids because she apparantly "yelled at them", and since my father got so angry when they first told me to come in and said they are going to take the kids away and try to get me charged with abuse etc, my father literally almost had a heart attack and could not believe the claims -- so they said unless its at their office they dont want my wife to allow him to see the kids or else they will take them away... .

  So basically - my parents can only see the kids at CAS headquarters, even though they are more or less your normal regular north american parents, but my wifes mother who did SO MUCH DAMAGE can just walk in and basically move into the house?

   I feel dizzy. This is just out of control and too much for me. How in the world with everything else can I deal with this situation now?

[allblameonme]

My wife's mother is the single greatest cause to all our suffering and her emotional issues. When we first got married my wife went for treatment and the psychologist told me to come one day and told me that my wife's mother is extremely abusive and controlling and we would have to look at the option of 6 months of no contact between them to allow my wife to heal (which sadly never occured).

  I personally saw how shockingly abusive she was to her kids. She wouldnt let them have friends or go on school trips always making up some reason. She completely dominates and controls them. Over the last few years I have kept my mouth quiet on many occasions, and now when her name is even mentioned I feel my nerves going into shock.

  Right now with the whole situation with childrens aid society and me being an "abuser" (while all facts disprove that), how in the universe can my mother-in-law fly into town, and basically move into the house when she is 80% the source to a lot of our troubles?

  And my wife to top it off has told CAS (childrens aid society) that she doesnt want my mother to see the kids because she apparantly "yelled at them", and since my father got so angry when they first told me to come in and said they are going to take the kids away and try to get me charged with abuse etc, my father literally almost had a heart attack and could not believe the claims -- so they said unless its at their office they dont want my wife to allow him to see the kids or else they will take them away... .

  So basically - my parents can only see the kids at CAS headquarters, even though they are more or less your normal regular north american parents, but my wifes mother who did SO MUCH DAMAGE can just walk in and basically move into the house?

   I feel dizzy. This is just out of control and too much for me. How in the world with everything else can I deal with this situation now?

[ForeverDad]

Has anyone told CAS what the real situation is?  If they're believing your wife about your parents, shouldn't they believe you about her parent?

Yeah, I know.  I'm just sayin'... .

[allblameonme]

no one has said anything. So far I have a LOT of facts saying I am 100% healthy. Besides that CAS themselves still act as if my wife is a prophet of truth

[catnap]

My wife's mother is the single greatest cause to all our suffering and her emotional issues. When we first got married my wife went for treatment and the psychologist told me to come one day and told me that my wife's mother is extremely abusive and controlling and we would have to look at the option of 6 months of no contact between them to allow my wife to heal (which sadly never occured).

Is CAS aware of this? 

[allblameonme]

I dont know if they are aware of it. I tried to tell them many details about our marriage but they seemed to just filter out whatever didn't fit the "Save the woman! she always the victim!" direction they wanted to go in from the beginning...

I'm really working a lot on myself, and I know 100% that over the last several years, the nonstop abuse from my wife has really hit me hard, and it caused me to become very insecure about myself. I am feeling better and working with good therapists to build boundaries as well as with you guys... .

At this point I am really not interested in any more abuse

[thisyoungdad]

 I had/have a very similar situation with my soon to be ex's mom. Although from early on I noticed something was not right there. It is not as overtly abusive but more along the lines of emotional incest and abuse. I did however say things along the way, mostly in the way of setting boundaries that were never respected. Like her mother once came into our bedroom while we were asleep to look for something, while she was supposed to be watching our month old daughter. I flipped a lid, and she never stayed with us again. She early on tried to talk my ex not to date me, then it was not to have a kid with me because I was younger than her and in my late 20's and no way ready to be a dad. This even though she had 2 kids by that same age. She still tells my ex all kinds of crazy B.S about how "all men do X, Y & Z and therefore can not be trusted so leave him... ." on a regular basis before she left me. She will call up, or write emails that would berate the wife for staying with me, or not divorcing me fast enough, having a kid with me, on and on it goes. Unsolicited advice all over, walks into our/her house without knocking, I mean the list is long. The ex recognizes it and then goes back to blaming me for all the things her mom does. Her mom essentially rules her life even though mom is 72 and ex is 43. It is profoundly sick, because the mom wants the ex to be 100% dependent upon her and if the ex has a partner that can't happen. I blame her a huge amount for what happened to my ex and our relationship. It is incredibly difficult for me because now she comes out for 10 days every 2 months and keeps my daughter home from preschool and every time after she leaves my daughter emotionally and in every way regresses.  Now that we are not together I can not shield my daughter from any of it other than refusing on my days with her to allow grandma to see her, which I mostly do at this point. So thankfully the last trip and this next one, out of 10-12 days I have my daughter the majority of those. It is so tough to deal with though that is for dang sure.