visitation

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Question on visitation and if it helps my case.   I have temp custody of the kids.   Wife is allowed to visit 2 weekends per month.

She technically has 2 days with them, but because she lives so far away she is getting less then 24 hrs.   She is skipping her next 2 visitation periods.    She is having a hard time dealing with the driving already and lacking money.   She wants me to bring the kids up to her next month even though that is not the arrangement set by the court.

She hasn't even called them since Aug 26.   The kids mostly have stopped asking about her and I don't talk about her.

Does it help my custody case that she has basically stepped out of their lives?   Not visiting when she should or even calling.

[suffering_parent]

Question on visitation and if it helps my case.   I have temp custody of the kids.   Wife is allowed to visit 2 weekends per month.

She technically has 2 days with them, but because she lives so far away she is getting less then 24 hrs.   She is skipping her next 2 visitation periods.    She is having a hard time dealing with the driving already and lacking money.   She wants me to bring the kids up to her next month even though that is not the arrangement set by the court.

She hasn't even called them since Aug 26.   The kids mostly have stopped asking about her and I don't talk about her.

Does it help my custody case that she has basically stepped out of their lives?   Not visiting when she should or even calling.

[momtara]

Certainly.  Keep documenting it any way you can.

[Matt]

Certainly.  Keep documenting it any way you can.

Yeah, exactly.  Maybe get a special little notebook, and keep track of phone calls and visits.  Then if and when you are back in court, you can show that, and let the court draw whatever conclusions.

It may be good to slow the custody process down as much as possible - ask for delays in any upcoming events - to let this play out.  If it's only a month or two, excuses might sound OK.  But if this continues for several months, and there is a clear pattern that she is not seeing the kids or talking to them, by her own choices, that could have a big impact on the case.

How are the kids doing?  How old are they?

[ForeverDad]

The point is to show that it is not just 'situational' such as her distance only or some other outside factor, it's her default pattern.  For examples, lack of phone calls could be seen as a factor unrelated to her where or how far away she lives.

By and large courts are unwilling to restrict a parent just because they're not very involved.  However if she wants to get more involved and changes her life to enable that then the court might be inclined to 'forgive and forget' at least to some extent.  That's why the suggestion to document her pattern over time.

[scraps66]

Yes, akin to leaving your house without a forced order. 

[Matt]

Yeah, as FD says, this may not be considered very serious, and the court order might stay as it is, but if she tries for primary custody then this will look very bad for her.

My settlement was for 50/50, but my ex has them much less, for a variety of reasons, and often for no reason at all - "Can you keep the kids this weekend?" and no reason given.  My strategy - more than 5 years now - has been to just accept it and let her take them when she will, and when it works out well for them - they're now in high school so they have lots of stuff.

I never bothered getting the court order changed and I'm glad I didn't - it would have been a big fight and the kids might be spending more time with her in order to save her face.  You might use a similar strategy - let her take the kids when she chooses to, and document that pattern over time.

If you have a lawyer, make sure to get her on board with this strategy.  She probably knows a million ways to slow the legal process down.

[suffering_parent]

I am documenting it.    It is some good advice.   The distance is a major issue that no one knows how to solve.   Lawyer is hoping the GAL will have a recommendation.   The GAL told me she might object to any plan where the kids have to travel 6.5 hrs.    Winter is almost here and we get lots of snow.   It is going to make that trip horrible.

[Matt]

Yeah, I had a similar situation - I had to move for work, to a place about 5 hours away by car.  There's no easy answer.  For me the best thing was to offer to pay for my ex to move - she wasn't working and the place we live now is where she prefers to live anyway.

How did you get to this point - did you move, or did she?

I think the key issue will be how the kids are doing while they're with you most of the time.  If they do well in school, and don't have any big problems, the temporary situation will probably become the permanent one.  But if you are perceived to be creating the situation, or not trying to make it work, the court might punish you somehow.  So it will be best to offer some options, like fewer visits but longer - maybe summer, winter break, spring break, etc.  Or even do the drive yourself, and stay overnight where your ex lives, if that isn't too big of a problem for you - but not too often.

[suffering_parent]

She created the situation.    She moved out and said she had some hot job lined up 5.5 hrs from here.   Ended up being no job of course, but another man.   One of her claims is I wouldn't let her work.    She had a lot of jobs while married, she was fired from most of them.

So she ends up even further away with this man then her original plan.    Spent 2 months homeless.   Just rented a place, but still has no job.   The place she rented is a studio with little room for 4 kids!

Kids are 10,9,8 and 4!    They are all doing fine.   School is going great.   Behavior is much improved except when Mom visits.   Takes a few days to calm down after that.

[Matt]

So you've got your hands full!

If you can manage this - take good care of the kids and make sure they are OK, and make a living too - and also show some good intent to keep the kids connected with their mom - then I think the court will have a lot of respect for that.

I think there is a high risk that the kids will have problems long-term because of their mom's behavior, especially leaving them like that.  It may not be obvious for years but they can't possibly understand why she is doing what she's doing.  If you can find the right counselor and commit to it long-term - maybe each kid seeing the counselor once or twice a month - that may help.

I first talked to the school counselor, and she recommended someone - the woman who used to have her job but who is now in private practice.  That was perfect, because she knew all the kids' teachers and she fit well into their lives.  Getting the recommendation from the school counselor also protected me from the accusation that I shopped around to find a counselor who would take "my side".  She was able to be a resource for the kids, not a participant in the conflict between the parents.

[suffering_parent]

I can handle it no problem.   It is easier with the needy wife gone.   As most others here I was already doing the majority of the household work and child rearing.   I also work from home and imagine having a BPD wife bugging you non-stop and four kids.   Most are amazed at the level of patience that I have had for it.   I am at the end of my rope now though.

I would like to do some counseling for me and the kids.   My insurance sucks though.   $2500 deductable for mental health for each of us!    With legal fees piling up I have no extra money.   My income is to high to get any free help.

They are affected a lot already.   My 4 year old asked me last night why mom doesn't want to be part of our family.   It broke my heart more than anything the wife has done to try to hurt me.