Emotional roller coaster again

[thisyoungdad]

So I got word from my attorney today that we are likely signing final papers next week, but that the dissolution won't be final until the end of March of 2014 per the separation agreement. I state up front I was hungry, angry (at receiving this), lonely and freaking exhausted because my job is a very physically demanding one and I have not had much sleep this week. So when I got the email I wasn't in a great space. None the less I had been already "missing" my ex, or the dreams or whatever it was all day and then the email. So my first reaction was not really panic per se' but a huge mix of things and a lot of thoughts involving things like "I really can't believe she is going through with it" "I never thought she really would do this" or "Maybe I can appeal to her to consider that we could be together but not married". Thankfully although so in that place even all night I know enough to share this with a dear friend who watched the relationship from day 1. When I first realized it was abusive and told this friend she so lovingly said ":)ear, to some degree or another it has been abusive from day 1" which stung but was helpful. So I texted her and shared what I was feeling and she wrote back the best thing ever. She said "It is like relapse prevention. Don't think about what a drug can do for you, think about what the last one did" and as a disclaimer we met in A.A. so that is a perfect example.

YET... .my emotions are still telling to essentially beg her to take me back even though she left me. I rationalize it is for our daughter, or a number of other things. Logically I know (I think anyway) that it is such a bad idea to go there, and yet my emotions don't seem to get that. It feels so surreal even though the pain is not nearly as intense as it was even a couple months ago.

I honestly feel like some of what is so hard is not ever hearing "why" especially when for months after she left she had wonderful things to say, do etc. and made all kinds of promises. I also feel like it would be so much easier if I knew she hurt too, missed me, missed us, missed the family we were. Instead I feel like I am suffering and she is rejoicing. Worst part is having a kid we have to deal with each other all the time which makes the pain feel so much harder to heal. Anyway just a rough night.

[Validation78]

 

Hi Thisyoungdad!

I'm sorry to hear that this is still so painful for you. It probably will be for some time to come, however, it will get better.

One thing many of us forget is how good that pwBPD are at putting up a false front. She may APPEAR to be happy and rejoicing, however, deep inside, she's a mess, and without help, will likely be this way forever. Additionally, as happened with my exBPDh, he was happy when I made the final break. He dreaded it the entire time we were married, and "knew" it would happen. So, when it finally did, sure, he was relieved! It's very bizarre, I know. Then again, when we accept that the fact that they never experienced the relationship the way we did, why would we expect them to experience the break up the way we do? Hang in there!

Best Wishes,

Val78