Can't be with him for his birthday...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

To a dear, beautiful, beloved person... .

Happy Birthday to you today. I wish that I could be there to celebrate with you in person, but you have pushed me away. It saddens me to think you will be celebrating today and I won't be part of it, because you thought I was your enemy when I was only trying to be your friend. It's hard not to be able to talk with you today.

We met around your last birthday, and I wondered whether we would make it to the next one. I guess we haven't. I knew though that it was likely that we wouldn't last that long, given the way we were always breaking up, making up, alternating between your episodes of rage and sweet tender moments, and given the apparent instability of your feelings for me.

As for birthday wishes, I wish you mainly health. I wish for you the ability to overcome the demons that I have seen plaguing your mind. I wish for you the ability to maintain the sensitivity of your heart, which is a beautiful thing, but while also gaining some stability in your emotions. I wish for you insight and clarity, I wish that you grow to understand why you are having so much trouble in your relationships, work life, finances, and living situation. It's quite apparent to me why it's all happening, but I have never been able to explain it to you, so I wish you understanding of the reasons. I wish for you to stop feeling the need to be so angry all the time, the ability to relax, and not to see the world as such a terrible place. Everyone is NOT out to get you... .I only want you to see that.

I know not everyone will understand what you're going through, and you'll often be judged, so I wish for you to be surrounded by supportive, understanding, patient people. I want for you people who make you feel safe and wanted, but who are able to help you without enabling your troublesome tendencies.

I just wish for you to get better. I hope you find something that works for you. I want to see your mind free of all the delusions it holds, and your heart free of the fear that people are trying to hurt you. I want to see your very emotional and sensitive nature channeled into better things.

One of the last times I saw you, you told me "Hold me close like you don't want to lose me". I really miss you. Sometimes I'd do anything to hold you again.  I know you thought I only wanted you for your physical attractiveness, but you were so funny, sensitive, creative, and sometimes so loving. I wanted to look after you, but you haven't trusted me enough to let me. I wish I knew how to help you. Maybe someone else will do a better job than I was able to. I wasn't always emotionally available myself either. Please look after yourself and try to relax more. Happy Birthday. Wish I was there with you. Love you.

[Violista]

To a dear, beautiful, beloved person... .

Happy Birthday to you today. I wish that I could be there to celebrate with you in person, but you have pushed me away. It saddens me to think you will be celebrating today and I won't be part of it, because you thought I was your enemy when I was only trying to be your friend. It's hard not to be able to talk with you today.

We met around your last birthday, and I wondered whether we would make it to the next one. I guess we haven't. I knew though that it was likely that we wouldn't last that long, given the way we were always breaking up, making up, alternating between your episodes of rage and sweet tender moments, and given the apparent instability of your feelings for me.

As for birthday wishes, I wish you mainly health. I wish for you the ability to overcome the demons that I have seen plaguing your mind. I wish for you the ability to maintain the sensitivity of your heart, which is a beautiful thing, but while also gaining some stability in your emotions. I wish for you insight and clarity, I wish that you grow to understand why you are having so much trouble in your relationships, work life, finances, and living situation. It's quite apparent to me why it's all happening, but I have never been able to explain it to you, so I wish you understanding of the reasons. I wish for you to stop feeling the need to be so angry all the time, the ability to relax, and not to see the world as such a terrible place. Everyone is NOT out to get you... .I only want you to see that.

I know not everyone will understand what you're going through, and you'll often be judged, so I wish for you to be surrounded by supportive, understanding, patient people. I want for you people who make you feel safe and wanted, but who are able to help you without enabling your troublesome tendencies.

I just wish for you to get better. I hope you find something that works for you. I want to see your mind free of all the delusions it holds, and your heart free of the fear that people are trying to hurt you. I want to see your very emotional and sensitive nature channeled into better things.

One of the last times I saw you, you told me "Hold me close like you don't want to lose me". I really miss you. Sometimes I'd do anything to hold you again.  I know you thought I only wanted you for your physical attractiveness, but you were so funny, sensitive, creative, and sometimes so loving. I wanted to look after you, but you haven't trusted me enough to let me. I wish I knew how to help you. Maybe someone else will do a better job than I was able to. I wasn't always emotionally available myself either. Please look after yourself and try to relax more. Happy Birthday. Wish I was there with you. Love you.

[Ironmanrises]

Violista,

I know how difficult this must be for you.

I could have written a lot of the same words you wrote.

Sends you a 

Your post brought tears to my eyes.

My exUBPDgf birthday is at the end of this month.

I dread its arrival.

She too is a lovely human being... .but severely compromised at a young age.

The fragmented person created out of that... .

Is someone i cannot allow near me ever again.

[AliveButBeatup]

Violista, your words speak of sorrow and truth when it comes to dealing with someone with BPD.  My ex-BPD birthday is coming up in a month. I think about it. I won't be with her. I feel her. I see the unrealized potential she has just as I suspect you see is. At the end of the day, it is just that. Unrealized potential.

I feel your pain. Each day will get better. You sound like an intelligent, caring person who will be appreciated by another.

Alive But Beat-up

[RedEye]

That's beautiful. It's great that you understand the struggle and hurt that this condition causes, rather than look at the outside that looks like a monster sometimes. It hurts to be helpless to help, but all we can do is accept it and wish the person our best, like it sounds you have. Thank you.

[Reg]

Violista,

It is very beautiful indeed.  Many of us who arrive here have a lot of anger, doubts, pain.

Once we come to understand borderline, and even ourselves, many of us get a new view on all of this.

If our ex partners will ever be aware of their problem and be brave enough to face facts themselves is something else.

I see you hope the same thing and so do I.  Not because I would want her back, but because it is a right for everybody to have no personal disorders.

To all of you who are growing, as I do, who are now feeling empathy towards people with this problem, I would like to do a demand.

We now all know what it is to deal with a pwBPD.  Shouldn't we all become ambassadors of the fact that stigma has to be removed for those who are suffering because of personal disorders ?  Help raise awareness about BPD ?

I prefer to become a message of hope, and not one of drama.

Reg

[Violista]

I actually sent him a birthday card with kind of a shortened version of what I wrote here, skipping all the parts about how he's pushed me away and how I miss him and how I think he's ill, just wishing him health and supportive people around him and happiness and freedom from his issues, and that he may feel he is living in a world where he is accepted etc. I know it's perhaps strange to send him a birthday card, but we haven't been broken up long and I felt like I had to do at least SOMETHING to remember his birthday.

I've now been getting two days worth of messages about how "how can you write such nice things but not put them into practice" and all kinds of messages about how I supposedly lied to him, hurt him, betrayed his trust, how I have serious problems, how my last ex left me because I wasn't worth it, how I push everyone away, how I'm not worth his love and his efforts, how he has realised who I am, how all I have going for me is my looks, how women have nothing to give, and how "in a few years when I'm fat and ugly" I will realise that it's what's inside that matters but by then I'll have nobody. When I said I just wanted him to know that I remember his birthday, he said "If it's any consolation I won't remember yours".

He posted a long string of quotes on his facebook, and a few on mine, about moving on from drama and how if you care about someone you have to show them and how a truly beautiful person has more to give than just their looks. He's been laying it into me for two days. ANy attempts to explain any of my behaviour towards him have been met with "you just make lame excuses".

Out of all these things that he said, none of them really hurt me that much, because I don't really believe them and feel that he is misperceiving me and my intentions.

He then said that he is already seeing someone new... .THAT is the only thing he said that really hurt me.

[Reg]

Hi Violista,

Sorry to hear you got hurt that way.

He's projecting again.  As they alsways do unfortunately... .  It's not you, it's not even him, it's the borderline... .

I've been in doubt a bit myself if I was going to mail a birthday card for my ex step daughters 12th anniversary in June.  But I didn't.  It would hurt her, and I knew it would be a reason for my ex to contact me again.

She is just as much in denial of her own problems as yours.  There are people willing to confront themselves with their own, and there are those who don't.  I think we have to accept that.

I have empathy for everyone with BPD who wants to deal with their problems.  But there are many others... .

Accept and let go.  We are not going to change them.  Concentrate on yourself.

Take care !

Reg

[Scout99]

Dear Violinista!

Such a beautifully written and both heartfelt and balanced letter and then such a dysregulated response... .

I actually shed a tear when reading it, since it reminded me that I too was missing out on my ex BPD bf's birthday also in the aftermath of our break up... .You touched on a lot of things I felt too... .

I tell you this because your letter is not something that any reasonably healthy person would get angry about, on the contrary it is full of love... .And the thing is, your ex bf feels that! But it triggers his pain about loosing you and makes him feel abandoned... .(You know they feel abandoned regardless of who left the r/s... .).

Reg is right, it is projection... .He can't bear the feelings of loss that your letter brings to the surface in him. So he needs to call upon his defenses and try to deflect and assign the feelings of guilt and shame that he is feeling on you. The amount of reactions is really telling of how flooded he is with emotions right now... .

So for you, good that you don't take it personally, because I know how hard that is. But actually it is quite telling of the fact that he still has very strong feelings for you, however dysregulated and triggered he gets by them... .If nothing else, take that with you. And I dare believe that your letter will be with him in his mind and heart for a long time... .   

Best Wishes

Scout99

[bpdspell]

Violista,

Believe it or not your ex is still very much attached to you. Otherwise he wouldn't care to lay it in on you. It sounds odd but like all human beings we tend to hurt those we care about most; including our BPD's. If he didn't care he'd be indifferent.

I'm figuring because your contact wasn't about begging and pleading to have a place in his life... .it triggered his abandonment pain.

Spell

[Violista]

Maybe I shouldn't have posted this here, it seems like I'm getting everyone upset by reminding them of their loved ones' birthdays!

Well one of the last things he said to me today is that he's over me and he's happy and content, which stung a little bit but... .it's a bit hard to believe, considering that he's been having a go at me all day, literally filled his entire facebook page with quotes he believes relate to me, and once i logged off facebook he started finding other ways to contact me.

At least I have the consolation of hearing that he thought the words in my card were really nice and apparently they "shocked him" and made his mother tear up.

I'm finding though that it's the same old story, it is literally impossible to explain to him that I care about him, he just yells at me about how I supposedly don't show it... .And if I ask him how I could better show love in his opinion, he gives vague answers about how love should be nurtured and allowed to grow. I did manage to get it out of him that he thought I focused only on the negative things he did in the relationship but not on the positive things he did for me. I don't know if this is true... .maybe... .the positive things he did weren't huge, they were things like making me cups of tea or driving us both somewhere... .some of the negative things he did were so overwhelming it was a bit hard not to focus on them. He also said the negative things he did when we were together, e.g. outbursts of anger, were "due to my stupidity".

When he asked me why I was worried about him (based on an old message he only just read), and I told him that it was because I've seen him do things in his  anger that could hurt him or other people, I got a weird incoherent message in response about how I shouldn't "mock him".

Sigh... .

I'm getting too attached and worked up and enmeshed again just based on these two days, i gotta back off and focus on me.

[Reg]

Yes you have to Violista !  

And you're not upsetting anyone here, be assured of that !  You certainly didn't upset me at all on that matter, it is something I did give it a place and have completely accepted.  

Scout99 is so right on the matter of the amount of reactions you get.  Unfortunately people with BPD react in the opposite way of ours... .

Don't let the negative lines take over again in you own feelings.  This is the unknowingly manipulative borderline behavior he is using, and he can't help it, unless there comes a moment he comes to realise that.  It is as I mentioned projecting.  Keep that very good in mind ! It is important to give it the place it deserves, borderline behavior.  Nothing more or less.

My ex partner also projected all of my good deeds on herself.  At least she tried to, didn't work.   And yes reality is that most of them didn't do that much back for us as it should be normally and naturally in a healthy relationship.  Except when they wanted actually needed us back... .

Remember someone with borderline curiously enjoys the stress of chaos in a certain way.  We don't !

Take care of yourself, block him on FB, you don't need to explain yourself or defend yourself.  It's not you who have borderline !

I hope you will do what is best for you !  

Reg

[Violista]

Yeah well after screaming at me for two days, he is now not replying to messages, but at the same time he is posting jokes and links to music on my facebook profile like nothing happened.

What is it with this guy... .

[Violista]

In regards to how much he supposedly did for me during the relationship... .

He did do some nice things. In the beginning when he was trying to get together with me he'd do things like offer to drive long distances to pick me up or he invited me with him on an interstate trip and said he'd pay for me. Of course, two weeks later this had already changed to "I want you to come with me but I can't afford to pay for you"... .

In the beginning of our relationship he also showered me with presents, mostly clothes. I liked this and thought it was sweet, although he had a weird habit of telling me he would buy me a specific piece of clothing that i said i really liked, and then buying me something else instead that I didn't really like.

The clothes shopping seemed to suddenly die down a few weeks into the relationship.

After that the main nice things he did for me were make me lots of teas and coffees and occasionally food, occasionally buy us tickets to an event (often an event that HE enjoyed and i didnt have much interest in), and drive us places, until he lost his licence due to reckless driving and his habit of getting constant speeding tickets. He caused me a hassle once when he offered to drive my father's car when we used it to get to another town for a party, and then got a speeding ticket while driving it. Sometimes he was good at listening to my problems and was helpful to me, but a lot of the time he was kind of inconsiderate and if I was upset his main focus was on the fact that my bad mood was bringing HIM down. He would also give me a lot of really nice compliments, but other times he would hurl heaps of insults at me and call me names, so that kind of cancelled out the compliments and made me wonder if he ever actually meant them... .

This is about the extent of what he has done for me. Yet he says he has tried his best and feels he gave me lots of love and I didn't give enough back.

It doesn't matter that I drove him long distances to his appointments after he lost his licence (only to have him scream at me that my driving wasnt fast enough), funded the rest of his interstate trip after he ran out of money halfway through, bought him several presents that he lost or didnt use, went after him to try to calmly work things out many times when he went into a rage, tried to look after him through several near-psychotic episodes, walked on eggshells all the time to avoid upsetting him, had endless patience with him, put his feelings above my own more times than he knows, even when he acted in ways that anyone else would just hate him for.

But because one day, after months of dealing with this, I got fed up and snapped and got mad at him, now in his mind he gave me everything and I didnt appreciate him and treated him terribly.

[Clearmind]

I never once contacted my ex to wish him Happy Birthday after we split - once I processed what it means to have a friendship - I realized I could never even place him in the friendship category and Happy Birthday messages are saved for those I do care about.

Maybe I shouldn't have posted this here, it seems like I'm getting everyone upset by reminding them of their loved ones' birthdays!

This board is for you Violista! We all need to process our own emotions – it’s not our role to make it all OK for everyone. We spent a long time in our own relationships doing that – we don’t need to do it here!

I'm finding though that it's the same old story, it is literally impossible to explain to him that I care about him,

It is impossible! A person needs to feel empathy to know that another feels empathetic towards them.

And if I ask him how I could better show love in his opinion, he gives vague answers about how love should be nurtured and allowed to grow.

I hear you. I said the same thing to my ex. I was also asking him to be something he is not – healthy!

I can understand you are wanting to change his perception of events – unfortunately a part of BPD is also an unstable perception of events – he remembers it so differently to you. Facts will and do get distorted to match his unstable sense of self/roller coaster emotions.

I'm getting too attached and worked up and enmeshed again just based on these two days, i gotta back off and focus on me.

Good point and great you recognize it. Sometimes we place ourselves on slow boil with contact and it hurts. Process the feelings that come and dig deep as to why you are attracted to a Borderline.

[AliveButBeatup]

You sound like a very nice lady. As my T asked me recently. how does this person add to your life. I didn't have an answer. In fact she doesn't. She detracts from it. It sounds like you are doing all of the work. And what has he added to your life?  Chaos?

ABB

[Learning_curve74]

Yeah well after screaming at me for two days, he is now not replying to messages, but at the same time he is posting jokes and links to music on my facebook profile like nothing happened.

What is it with this guy... .

Are you asking a rhetorical question? I've never met your guy but his behavior makes perfect sense... .if he has BPD.

You sound like you don't understand him, and he sounds like he doesn't understand you? Or perhaps both of you understand each other perfectly but both refuse to accept the person you each are faced with?

After you wished him happy birthday, did you feel his behavior was any different from before? And was your reaction to him any different from before?