Soo... ouch.

[Octoberfest]

Went and visited the doc today. To get a wart frozen off.  Not one on my hand.  Evidently my BPDex has HPV and neglected to tell me or didnt know (I am going to hedge my bets on neglected to tell me).  I had what I thought was a skin flap frozen off a month ago, but it was another wart.  So it isnt any kind of BAD outbreak or anything, its been two tiny warts (think 1/16th of an inch diameter)... .not painful, not obvious (I only caught them because I was looking), no big deal... .Honestly the psychological part is the worst part. From the research I've done, the CDC says near all sexually active adults will get HPV at some point in their lives. 

It made me think back to a thread here where I posted that my BPDex told me she had "mild" ovarian cancer. Someone suggested that she was full of it, and it was HPV induced.  The strains that cause warts and cancer are different, but it is possible to have more than one strain.

It also made me think of how my BPDex never allowed me to have my hands near her genitals. Sex was fine- but my hands were not allowed, nor was seeing her naked.  She told me it was because of the "scars".  Scars supposedly from when an ex boyfriend abused her and burned her with a cigarette.  It could be true, but she could perhaps have been hiding warts. Who knows.

The funny thing is I have always been pretty paranoid about this kind of stuff.  Any time I have had an ingrown hair or unusual bump I've gone in and gotten seen and came back with a clean bill. She and I talked about it and used condoms for the longest time. I was faithful, and I guess (even thought I knew she had been cheating in the past) I wanted to believe she was at the time too. She told me she had never had an std, she had gotten checked, etc.

I ALMOST emailed her today, breaking NC of 2 months.  But thinking about it I don't think it is worth it. She has to know. And there is nothing to do about it now.  I don't think anything positive can come from establishing contact with her again.  I got a gut fear reaction just thinking about it.


So the biggest worry now is just my future.  As mentioned, near everyone will get HPV during their lives.  It isn't an end of the world thing like HIV and not even something like Herpes.  The warts are harmless.  And many girls my age (I believe) have gotten the HPV vaccine that protects against strains that cause warts or cancer. I think it is just the stigma that has me worried. It has also just made me think again about what a pitiful existence my BPDex lives.  Bouncing around from town to town, guy to guy, dating multiple people at once, doing whatever, nothing out of the question, to try and fill the void within her, and leaving a path of destruction behind her. 

I don't feel like I have anything to be ashamed of here, yet I am.  Should I be?

[Phoenix.Rising]

I appreciate you honesty, and I don't believe you have anything to be ashamed of.  I bet a lot more people than we realize on these boards have struggled with something similar considering the sexual acting out that often goes hand in hand with a lot of pwBPD.  It takes a lot of courage to talk openly about it.  Good for you!   

Like you said, it is definitely not the end of the world.  If you are only 2 months out, I suggest not contacting her.  I don't see how that would help either of you at this point.  Just pick yourself up and keep on keeping on.  That's all we can do.  You are going to be alright.

[bpdspell]

Of course you don't have anything to be ashamed of.

What are you going to do? Blame yourself for trusting your ex? When we're in love trust kinda comes with the territory. Just be grateful that it wasn't worse. HPV is no where nears a death sentence.

More than likely your ex knew about her HPV but was probably to ashamed to disclose in fear of you abandoning her. For you it's lesson learned. In your next relationship you'll know better.

Spell

[Octoberfest]

Thanks for the replies... .

It is incredible.  I harbor a pretty deep wound from all of this... .it is bizarre the things that trigger me or drag me down concerning all of this.  After this much time (been just over 4 months since we split) I would have expected to be moved on and happy again and living life... .but I still seem to be floating in stagnant water.  Not going many places.  My mind is still a prisoner in many respects, even if my BPDex does not have any influence in my life any longer.

I truly can't conceive of how she keeps living, knowing the pain and discomfort I feel myself and knowing how much further the pain goes for her

[FogLight]

Ha same thing happened to me man, had a couple show up on my arm a few months ago.  I just thought they were bumps until I picked at one and realized what it was.  HPV is extremely common, it shouldn't be anything to worry about but it still sucks and in a weird way I felt played again and almost a year later!  Oh well though, the new guy can deal with it now haha.  Btw, one did get big, and apple cidar vinegar killed it in 2 days... .Just passing that along.

[Surnia]

I feel with you, Octoberfest.

You try to do your best to move forward and now you have to deal with the aftermaths of this relationship again! 

No, I can see no reason to be ashamed.

What about anger?

[Octoberfest]

I feel with you, Octoberfest.

You try to do your best to move forward and now you have to deal with the aftermaths of this relationship again! 

No, I can see no reason to be ashamed.

What about anger?

There has been anger here and there throughout this whole ordeal... .I think any kind of angry I am feeling at the moment is the kind of angry where you have tears in your eyes and are just exhausted by the whole ordeal and want it to be over.  I mean, it is over, but the aftermath is still in full swing.  It is still kind of hard to believe that my BPDex does and says the things that she does... .it is so counter intuitive and goes against all rational though processes... .which I guess is why they call it a mental illness.  Truly incredible. 

I remember back a few months ago when she would tell me how much better she is doing now, that she was just in a bad place when we were dating, that she was doing excellent with monogamy now, etc... .and it is all a sham.  She hasn't changed a thing, and she is bouncing from new guy to new guy.  It is pretty pathetic.

[Scout99]

I don't know if it is of any consolation, but my Obgyn told me that it takes years to develop into anything, and that is why it is not classified as an STD, because there really is no point in trying to find the one who gave it to you... .So there is actually no telling if your ex BPD gf was the one who gave it to you... .You could just as well have attracted it from a partner of way back when... .

And like many already have stated, most people do have it nowadays... .The good thing for you is that guys can't develop cancer from it, whereas women can, so it really is more important for women to protect themselves, since there risks are higher for them... .It heals out though even though it may take some time! So hang in there! You will be fine!

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Octoberfest]

Thanks scout.

The whole thing is still surreal... .As I mentioned, how does someone go and live their lives like pwBPD do? How can she be cheating on people, dating two people at once, have one go south, and then just shower the other person with love and cling on for dear life? And lie and lie and lie.  The lies that she told me to keep me pacified and to keep me with her, the lies she told other guys when I discovered what she was doing and awared them, it is unbelievable.  Simply unbelievable.

[Scout99]

Thanks scout.

The whole thing is still surreal... .As I mentioned, how does someone go and live their lives like pwBPD do? How can she be cheating on people, dating two people at once, have one go south, and then just shower the other person with love and cling on for dear life? And lie and lie and lie.  The lies that she told me to keep me pacified and to keep me with her, the lies she told other guys when I discovered what she was doing and awared them, it is unbelievable.  Simply unbelievable.

Dear Octoberfest

I can so relate to your hurt... .No matter how much we learn about this disorder a part of us, the logically functioning and sane part of us have a really hard time understanding how it is possible to get this disoriented about what to us in a way constitutes the very foundation of honest and moral living... .

At the same time we know the answer, I know you do, it is a very serious disorder that affects their whole personality. And it makes it impossible for them to see things our way and choose to live by it... .Mostly because to them those fundaments have been hurt and damaged, so they don't believe in them working for them... .They feel themselves as outcasts if you will... .

But mostly there is no logic to it. It is dysregulated, dysfunctional and disordered thinking... .Inability to sustain and keep a thought and an opinion and a feeling for more than a short period of time until something else triggers the mind and causes a new and immediate reaction... .Sane people feel, reflect and act in accordance with out core beliefs. Unsane people with BPD feel and react immediately in accordance with their damaged and dysfunctional disordered core beliefs... .That is their curse... .And there is no other logic to it than the explanation it is due to a serious mental disorder... .

I know exactly how hard it is to let go of these thoughts... .There are times and days we are good at it, and other days it is just like trying to get through quicksand... .Don't beat yourself up about it... .Allow the thoughts and then decide to let go of them, using your sane knowledge it won't lead to any resolution... .

I feel for you! And I have these days too!  

Best Wishes buddy

Scout99

[Mr gaga]

Nothing good ever comes out of contacting a BPDex. I learned that lesson the hard way. Most likely they will either tell you how bad their lives are and try to make you feel sorry for them or they will hurt you all over again. My ex has completely lost it, she isn't the girl I thought I knew anymore. I know your pain.