Asking for advice and support

[dharmagems]

Hi all,

I don't usually post on this part of the forums.  I usually post on Taking Personal Inventory.

I have been NC with my exBPDh for 7 months.  The past 4 years have been so devistating with my ex husband starting from marriage and ending in divorce.  Within the last year I was traumatically confronting what it means to be in a romantic relationship with a borderline.  I had to confront my own codependent issues, my childhood wounds from a NPD/physically and emotionally violent mother and a codependent father, my low self esteem, and PTSD.  If this isn't enough, I also had a barage of surgeries and medical testing and utlimately this year undergoing and IVF procedure to have a baby on my own because I turned 40 (which was unsucessful so far). On top of that, I had to re-enter the job market again with a low paying and physically demanding job.  I also moved to a different location because of the childhood memories of violence were just too much.   I also had so much difficulties wanting anymore to deal with my mother because currently I have a business I am running with her as the owner, but I need to keep it because it is my main source of income.  All I've wanted to do was flee the whole situation altogether.  I have much social anxiety I had to overcome and so much more, just adjusting to a completely new life.  Oh, I haven't mentioned dealing with my ex about coping with mental illness and he kept saying I was crazy!  This has been a trying and overwhelming last 2 years.

Today, my ex's mother left a message on my phone after 7 months of NC.  She was very sweet and just wanted to check in on me.

I am triggered.  I never was close with her because she was the doting mother to my ex and that's how I suspect his BPD was never checked because he got to have tantrums and it wasn't addressed.  I, on the other hand, had a violent neglecting mother and I always felt my mom's violence was my fault.  So, I didn't trust my ex's mom.  This is my issue I am aware of. 

Anyways, I am really going through a devstating year of recovering and healing, and it's soo hard enough to do all of what I've done alone this year.  I do want to talk to all that I discovered about my ex's condition and I want to reach out to someone for support and understanding.  I do go to CODA 12 step meetings and Narssisist Meetup meetings and they help the most.  I don't want to connect to my ex's mother because I am weary and suspect she might be a BPD too and taught or enforced my ex's behaviors, although I'm not certain of that. 

I'm feel like I want to respond to her and help her, and tell her of my borderline discoveries, and try to help my ex realize his borderline ways, but I think this is codependent, and I'm thinking I should just go NC with her.  What do you all think I should do?  My knees buckle when someone is sweet to me.  My ex was so sweet and motherly to me, and this is what lured me in.  And his mother is so sweet to me when she left a message.  I am feeling the pull. 

What do you think?

[GeekyGirl]

Hi dharma,

There's no right or wrong way to respond to your ex's mom. What would you hope to get out of that conversation? You very self-aware, so I think you probably already have a good idea of why you want to respond and help her, but you have to decide whether what you want out of the relationship with her is possible.

You've been through a lot. This has had to have been a very stressful year for you, and it's only natural to want some love and support when you've been through the kind of year you've had.   I can understand why you'd reach out to someone for that support and kindness.

What does your gut tell you?

[dharmagems]

Thanks GG for the feedback and words of support.  This year I also had some basic therapy and my T told me that I have to be my own mother.  That devistated me.  I was looking for it outside.  No, I can't any longer, she said. 

My gut tells me that I should not contact her.  Although I go through spells of massive emotions and pain, I know I have got to go through it myself.  I know I've got to find communities to support me in my healing work.  I'm healing me and starting to mother myself.  Therefore, it would not help me to contact her.

Thanks for helping me get through this by asking me this question.