Will she ever get better

[heronbird]

  Hi all,

Things are so hard right now, dd been in hospital for 4 weeks and she is sectioned for 6 months. She has not seen her baby and her                        x seems to just want to keep him for himself.

I am just wondering if she will ever get better, she feels like she has let her baby down and he will hate her when he grows up, her Xdh will tell the baby it was dds fault because he does not understand her illness.

Isnt it funny how these men dont seem to care about her BPD when they first meet her they just have to be with her, then a year later they dont want to know.

No one seems to be trying to get her to see the baby and I dont get that.

She is possibly saying she does not want to see him because it will upset her when they take him away again, I understand that.

We had the baby from age 3 weeks to 3 months, we have not seen him for 3 weeks now and we miss him like mad, but we also know XSIL will ruin him anyway so Im not sure I can cope with that, best to cut all ties off now rather than in a year.

How can social services think its ok for us to have him for 3 months then never again? they should have made a rule that we have to see him once a week or something.

We did ask the dad if we could have him for a morning but he just said he didnt know.

If we say we dont want to see him then it looks like we dont care and social services wouldnt offer him to us if things went wrong in the future with the dad, he is a bit unstable to be honest.

He now hates my dd and seems to just want the baby to himself, he is and will over parent him.

This is possibly the worse thing our dd has ever done now.

I cant see how she will ever get through it, when she is discharged she has to try to find a place to live and then she will be lonely. Then what happens with the baby, I know we cant predict and it has to be a day at a time with BPD,

Ive never seen her so badly ill for so long, she wont even see visitors.

Someone in the hospital took photos of her and put a couple on fb, she looked so happy with all her friends, if her X sees that, he wont understand, its just the camera lying.

Then someone wrote under the pic, whos that, Im coming up at visiting time shes beautiful.

Makes me so angry, shes in a MH unit, what an idiot, oh yeah, when I went on his profile, another deadbeat looser. Shes so vulnerable at the moment, says she feels so unloved, now she knows her dh never loved her, so anyone who is interested in her, she is taken in with.

We all miss our little GS, so sad. :'( :'( :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kellygirl601]

  I'm so sorry you are going through this!  It must be so hard when little ones are part of the picture.  All you can do is hope and pray, have faith.  It's hard.

Hang in there     

Kelly

[heronbird]

Thanks for your reply, I have spoken to ss today, and I told them a how I felt. I also said how unfair things seem as no one is talking about my dd seeing the baby.

She said that she has deteriorated and is not in a position to sort things out at the moment, so  we just have to wait, oh gosh this is so sad isnt it.

[Reality]

heronbird,

It seems like it is good for your dd to have this respite.  I am thankful she is in a safe place.  For a long period of time.  She needs that safety.  The world of drugs, prescribed or otherwise, is a dangerous place for her.

Can you clarify the situation with your gs?  Is this a permanent placement with the father?  When are the social workers re-visiting the assessment they made?  Are you privy to the weekly assessments made by the social worker to the father and gs?  I think you posted this information somewhere, but I don't remember.

Reality

[heronbird]

Well first of all,  ss said they were giving him a chance and they thought it wouldnt last. As its now been 2 and a half weeks, I think they think he can cope and it will be a permanent thing.

He has been told if he has dd back then baby is being taken away more or less, and thats because he told them, the only reason he had not coped for the three months is because dds illness and symptoms.

No one believed him, but maybe it was true, must have been so hard for him, haha he coped for a year with her and about three crises.

It is looking less like we will get gs, but thats the best thing. I want my life but I do want gs to know me and extended family.

Ss asked me what I would like, and start small so XSIL starts to trust me, so we decided once a week for 3 hours.

But, I dont know why, I just dont like the sound of it. I keep feeling uncomfortable about it.

I keep thinking, get a complete break from now before its too late and I get even more hurt.

Then, if you think about it, its only like a normal grandma, they would see grandchild just now and again, so why do I feel like that    

I think its because if it was normal then I would know I could see gs as often as I liked, if dd was bringing him up then I could pop in if I was near, even just for 5 mins, I could buy him stuff etc

So because I know I can visit whenever or phone dd and ask how hes doing, I wouldnt feel like I would want to see him so much.

Dont know if that makes sense, hard to write it.

I just went to the hospital to drop her some goodies, and I saw her for 5 minutes. So funny, you really wouldnt know she was so bad, she looked stunning, shiny hair all clean, make up on etc.

But she told me she is so bad.

[qcarolr]

Heronbird,

Even in our pain, it is important to remember that this little child really really needs a stable relationhip with his grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.  Two and half weeks is such a short time for XSIL to have baby! Seem like forever.

I have cycled through this place of anger and fear - fear of my own level of pain and how can I take it. This was so true in the beginning with gd when I held onto her mom being able to step up and be the mommy. In our case the daddy left withing 1st year several times til gone for good when gd8 was 18 months.

Hang in there. Stick to you wanting to be a grandma ALWAYS in talkd with ss.

It is so so so hard when out girls are suffering. Again it is easy to FEEL like this will be forever. Remember that your DD may be experiencing a distorted sense of herself. How she looks on the outside, esp for such a short visit, may not reflect what is happening for her inside.

Heronbird - do you have access to T for just you? Some of your talk here sounds much like when I have been depressed. Even a short course of some anti-depressants may get you over the hump. The feelings that how life feels/looks today goes on forever -- this is being in the dark box of depression for me. Not able to see over the top that the sun still shines each morning, and things will always change as time goes by. Maybe not how we picture it should be. Please please find ways to take care of yourself.

Reading of how important loving adult r/s in lives of children of mentally ill parents has been - keep working to be a grandma. Even 3 hours a week for now. Yes, this love can hurt sometimes. It is worth it. And this opens the door to contact with your XSIL. Things can get better - or at least different.  Hang on.

qcr  

[heronbird]

Thanks qcarolr, I just want dd to get better but this time she has blown it, gone and found a big weirdo and one in a million wont give up the baby, unheard of.

She cant see any hope, any at all and thats the hard thing because usually I know, things get better or I can at least help her to see a glimmer of hope usually.

I cant say, oh dont worry, youve lost your baby home and husband, but we will work things out, you can start all over       

I would love to see a P, but there is no one I can see, I cant pay, Id rather pay for dd to see someone. Im ok, I have a lot of support, and even though my mum is a bit annoying, she is good to talk to, helps me to put clarity on things etc.

Dh is good and older dd is quite.

I have, other than this, a good life actually and lots of lovely things.

I went with my mum and older dd today to get wedding dress for her, she looked so beautiful it was so lovely. I felt bad enjoying my day, while my poor dd in hospital, in bits.

We went to London after and had afternoon tea in a nice hotel. Im trying to make the best of things.

BPDD phoned me tonight crying, saying its so boring in hospital, she had rang her Xdh and told him she is desperate to see the baby could he bring him up, he said no, he didnt want to bring him to the hospital. So she was upset, missing him so much.

This is hard too.