what would be good advice if I dont want to continue with my uBPD wife after?

[allblameonme]

right now as mentioned in a previous post, my wife made accusations to child protection and they launched an investigation, made a no contact order between me and my wife and i have very limited access to my kids.

As the truth comes out that I'm a good person with no mental health problems, and they allow us to 'reunite'... If my wife continues to treat me like garbage as well as the kids, what is the best way for me to save my kids right away?

  I am in Ontario Canada if that helps... .

I think like this... .Be as perfect as possible, and record videos when my wife is abusive to me and the kids. One day when I have enough evidence, I secretly take the kids and move to my parents house, and the same time I call the police and/or the child protection workers that went against me originally and say I've had enough of her abuse of me and the children I want to file for divorce and protect the children from her and I have a lot of evidence... .

  I think since at that point I create a 'status quo' of the children in my custody, during the whole process she will 100% act like BPD people do, and I will be able to once and for all protect my children and move forward in life... .

   Obviously this is not as good as if I was able to work with her and a mediator and a good BPD therapist to help the relationship get better. But at this point every dialog with her is a launch of abusive attacks at me... .

[ForeverDad]

Real reunification won't work if both are not actively working positively toward healing the relationship.  Period.

Many posts mention that therapy can help over time.  However, if therapy is for show or blaming and nothing is changed then getting back together will just resume the controlling/dictating vs appeasing/compliant past.

No one can force you to stay married.  If you feel you can't continue married to a spouse that is willing to attack and undermine you using any unfair and unethical methods available, then you have the moral right to leave as well.

Note, there have been some cases where the targeted member, caught off guard and uninformed and facing legal or custodial hurdles, decided that going back (briefly, but the briefness not blabbed to the problem spouse) might succeed to end the initial case so that the person could try to maneuver a better scenario for separation a little later.  Could be risky but it has been done.

[allblameonme]

well the evidence is mounting up in my favour... .

My mom just told me she is ready to say everything she saw over the years. How I basically was always doing everything, and my wife only cared for herself. Even stuff I don't notice. She said she was shocked when we came for dinner and my wife just made herself a plate to eat and didn't serve the kids at all when they were starving. I thought that was normal behaviour but my mother told me its shocking for a mother to act so selfish with her husband who treats her amazing and her own children... .

  I am 100% dedicated to trying to salvage the marriage, but my wife is under the impression she is a victim, blameless, and everything is always my fault... .On Friday my psychiatrist sent a strong letter basically saying I am working on my side, but for any real progress "both parties must acknowledge their serious issues and tackle them head on in both couple therapy and individual therapy". It was 100% clear that he was saying "the husband is working on what he must, but the wife is in denial, and unless she starts taking things seriously, there will be continued problems".

  He is laying the groundwork for either her getting on  board and getting serious, or me filing for divorce when the time is right... .

For me both options are equally good at this point. I just want to be in a positive atmosphere with my children and either my current wife, or another relationship... .My children have gone through enough!

[Aussie0zborn]

ABR : Always be recording. You should get legal advice if you want to create a status quo as each case is different. Social workers who got it wrong the first time might not want to admit their mistake and help you once you have the evidence.   

There are many ways of making covert recordings for collecting your evidence.

[livednlearned]

ABoM,

Do you have an L? How old are your kids?

[allblameonme]

I have a lawyer for the child protection case, but no lawyer for divorce.

Kids are: 5, 4, 2

[ForeverDad]

At least get some legal consultations with family law attorneys.  They're either free or at an hourly rate, no retainer required beforehand.  During the visits you can hear potential strategies or actions to take to strengthen your position as father and parent.

Have you accepted that with her actively fighting you and blocking your parenting that it is self-defeating to remain in proximity to her?  While you can't stop her from obstructing, you can get distance between you so that she has fewer ways to sabotage you.

Frankly, if she's made false allegations to the child protection agency, then there's nothing she won't do to obstruct and sabotage you and your parenting, including more child abuse/neglect/endangerment allegations or even allegations of DV.  Be aware and act accordingly.  If she hasn't yet sought protection or restraining orders from the courts, she will, so be prepared.  Divorce is a process that takes time.  Have a strategy to at least get the best outcome reasonably possible.

Remember the F.O.G. we all experience -- Fear, Obligation Guilt.  She will use any combination of those to catch you off guard, beat you down, trample your appropriate boundaries or discourage you from remaining a meaningful and involved parent to the children.

As bad as these allegations are, eventually they ought to cause her to lose credibility with those agencies.  They will still respond to her allegations - they have to - but with each failed allegation she will lose a little more credibility.

[allblameonme]

Your post reminded me of a really smart thing I did a few months ago. When I arrived back in the country after going to my sisters wedding overseas, I knew she had already setup some terrible things. I was expecting to get arrested for who knows what when I arrived but I wasn't. When I got home (alone... .she went to a womans shelter thinking its some fun free apartment) I right away called the police and told them to send someone over I had to speak with them.

  I laid out the entire story... .The police officer told me, "Your lucky you got me here, my wife sounds exactly like your wife, and my wife is diagnosed with BPD. She most likely will continue to do actions against you to get what she wants and to punish you until she gets help. I will make sure to make a note about this so any phone calls from her in the future to the police will be well aware of her issues".

  A couple weeks later the CAS told her she must go and have me charged for assault! She went 2 times, but couldn't bring herself to such a horrendous act and left. A third time, she was escorted  by a worker for CAS who basically forced her to do it... .The police told her they are not charging me because she just wants it!

Unbelievable! Wow imagine I didnt get that police officer that night... .THANK G-D!