Coming to a Crossroad and I Need Help

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

First and foremost, thank you all for any help, guidance, suggestions or light you may be able to shed on this for me.

I've been dating a BPD for the past 2 and a half years. Yes, like everyone who has been with a BPD the honeymoon phase was amazing and I found myself with a new roommate in a short period of time. Early in the relationship she said, did and acted the part just as it needed to be. Just like everyone else at a certain phase in the relationship the personality disorder reared it's ugly head.

During the early phases of our relationship I found out that she had a pretty serious addition to pain killers taken intravenously. I'm sure this was the method of choice due to the self-harm issues. We went through the fits of rage, ignoring, irrational behavior and yes cheating on her part. At the time I thought it was all due to her addiction and by this point I had developed an addiction of my own which was her. I am by no means the perfect mate. I have my own issues do to childhood abuse. I'm the "caregiver" personality type therefore I jumped right in to fix this girl. It's only recently that I've discovered BPD and realized that her drug addition was a symptom of the disease and her coping skills were more so related to BPD than the drug use. That's made things a little clearer to me.

During the up-and-down cycles we've had many blowouts. In some cases she flees and in others I assist by kicking her out. This would happen almost like clockwork at the beginning of every other month. During the process she had gotten "clean" or at least that was what I thought. In reality the monthly blowups would lead to other men she knew that would provide her with the drugs she wanted and a sexual encounter would ensue. All the while I'm perfectly aware of what's going on and during the separation just like the arguments I find myself apologizing and kicking myself. After a few days I would allow her back in and the short lived make up process would begin.

About a year ago we had our last big blow up. Again I kicked her out and the same process began again. It usually was directly related to the inappropriate relationships she was having with these men online and through texts. It would send me into a tailspin and she had no remorse. When she came back we made up and things were good again. Right around the time of her leaving she started not feeling well. She would get sick to her stomach and while that was a recurring event in the relationship it was a little more frequent now. Well come to find out it was due to her being pregnant. Irregular periods were the norm due to her bad diet and drug use so it wasn't so easy to detect at first. This pregnancy brought on a whole new level of thought process. Discussions of abortion, adoption, keeping the baby, etc. All along I'm trying to be supportive in whatever decision she chooses.

The first three months of her pregnancy were no different than any other. She would leave about the first of each month and spend time with someone else while doing drugs. However, the discussion of abortion was off the table at this point. How could I be so awful to want to kill a child? Yet of course the drug use wasn't an issue.

Finally, after the last time she left and came back I was really at the end of my rope. It took a little longer for her to work on me but eventually the guilt placed on me of kicking a pregnant woman carrying my child got the best of me. For the remainder of the pregnancy she was relatively ideal. We had a few distant moments but usually she would get quiet and ignore me for a day or two and then come back around. It was tolerable, yet not ideal. During the pregnancy I think she knew that she could not use drugs illegally without some type of repercussion, so she checked herself into a medication assisted treatment program and began taking a drug called Subutex. Let me tell you this is no better as it can still be taken with a needle. It's only this time she has a prescription.

The baby was born with an addiction and spent the first month of her life in Children's Hospital. I had so many emotions watching this baby go through withdraw and spending every day at a hospital was really beginning to take a toll on me. Yet, for the most part she and I were doing "OK". When it was time to bring the baby home the switch flipped again. Keep in mind I'm still not aware of BPD and my gut just twists. She's verbally abusive and I'm in tears. This was supposed to be a good day, yet she doesn't even want me around.

The baby has now been home for two weeks. Due to her addiction to drugs DCS has been involved. They have tested her once for drugs about a week ago in an in-home visit and she was clean. However, her BPD symptoms have kicked up a notch. After pregnancy she was switched from Subutex to Suboxone which can not be taken via needle, the baby still has serious issues and cries all the time, and her irritability has gone through the roof. She has started pushing me away again, yet this time she is keeping me from my child as well. If I have the baby and she even whimpers as though she is about to cry she takes her to another room and closes the door. If I ask her if she needs help she says no. In most cases she keeps the baby right by her and if I get close she will go to another room and close the door. The push-pull dynamic continues as I get a brief moment of it all seems ok and let my guard down only to be met an hour or two later with ignoring and a complete shutdown.

In the past week I began looking at her phone and while activity of other men has been dormant for months she's started reaching out to all of them again. Flirting and boosting egos via Facebook mainly. Anyone that she had unfriended via my request has been added back. I've stayed my distance because of the rage and now with the baby I'm really concerned of not only protecting myself but the baby as well. I'm fearful that I'm about to experience another fleeing incident. That I may wake up in the middle of the night to a crying baby and she not be there, or possibly worse they both be gone. I'm afraid it's going to be too much with the crying and she's going to shake the child or harm her in some way. Yet I can't get close enough to intervene.

I've considered leaving or trying to breakup but that brings a whole new set of issues.

1. She lives in my house and I'm not sure where she would go. With DCS involved kicking her to the curb may present some real issues.

2. If I do break this off I want out completely. It hasn't worked well for me in the past to leave that door open for my own sanity I need to close it. I feel like even though she has my child maybe neither of them in my life is the better option. Yet, I have soo much guilt with that line of thinking. I don't want this child to think I don't care about her as she grows up. Not to mention the way my mother would feel about me doing so. Plus, I have two other children from a previous marriage that I do see every other week and have a great relationship with. How would this affect them even though they too walk on eggshells when they are at my house now.

3. l can only imagine the pain of co-parenting with this woman. My daughter would be used as a pawn and may resent me in the long run. Growing up with a BPD mother addicted to drugs? I can only imagine the damage that would be done.

4. I've thought about asking her to put the baby up for adoption while she's still young but I know that would only be met with fury.

5. I could try to take care of the child myself. However, with her needs due to being addicted to drugs I'm not sure I'm capable. I'm not certain I have the support system needed to really help. And at this point the only real way to gain full custodial rights would be for her to really slip up and fail a drug test or possibly just abandon the baby. In order for that to happen that means I would have to wait it out even longer but I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with all of this. And even in this scenario it wouldn't be a clean break. There would be revenge or retaliation. She would eventually find her way back into my life through this child.

I know I've dug this hole, but I'm trying to limit the collateral damage I see on the horizon.

[shinedog]

First and foremost, thank you all for any help, guidance, suggestions or light you may be able to shed on this for me.

I've been dating a BPD for the past 2 and a half years. Yes, like everyone who has been with a BPD the honeymoon phase was amazing and I found myself with a new roommate in a short period of time. Early in the relationship she said, did and acted the part just as it needed to be. Just like everyone else at a certain phase in the relationship the personality disorder reared it's ugly head.

During the early phases of our relationship I found out that she had a pretty serious addition to pain killers taken intravenously. I'm sure this was the method of choice due to the self-harm issues. We went through the fits of rage, ignoring, irrational behavior and yes cheating on her part. At the time I thought it was all due to her addiction and by this point I had developed an addiction of my own which was her. I am by no means the perfect mate. I have my own issues do to childhood abuse. I'm the "caregiver" personality type therefore I jumped right in to fix this girl. It's only recently that I've discovered BPD and realized that her drug addition was a symptom of the disease and her coping skills were more so related to BPD than the drug use. That's made things a little clearer to me.

During the up-and-down cycles we've had many blowouts. In some cases she flees and in others I assist by kicking her out. This would happen almost like clockwork at the beginning of every other month. During the process she had gotten "clean" or at least that was what I thought. In reality the monthly blowups would lead to other men she knew that would provide her with the drugs she wanted and a sexual encounter would ensue. All the while I'm perfectly aware of what's going on and during the separation just like the arguments I find myself apologizing and kicking myself. After a few days I would allow her back in and the short lived make up process would begin.

About a year ago we had our last big blow up. Again I kicked her out and the same process began again. It usually was directly related to the inappropriate relationships she was having with these men online and through texts. It would send me into a tailspin and she had no remorse. When she came back we made up and things were good again. Right around the time of her leaving she started not feeling well. She would get sick to her stomach and while that was a recurring event in the relationship it was a little more frequent now. Well come to find out it was due to her being pregnant. Irregular periods were the norm due to her bad diet and drug use so it wasn't so easy to detect at first. This pregnancy brought on a whole new level of thought process. Discussions of abortion, adoption, keeping the baby, etc. All along I'm trying to be supportive in whatever decision she chooses.

The first three months of her pregnancy were no different than any other. She would leave about the first of each month and spend time with someone else while doing drugs. However, the discussion of abortion was off the table at this point. How could I be so awful to want to kill a child? Yet of course the drug use wasn't an issue.

Finally, after the last time she left and came back I was really at the end of my rope. It took a little longer for her to work on me but eventually the guilt placed on me of kicking a pregnant woman carrying my child got the best of me. For the remainder of the pregnancy she was relatively ideal. We had a few distant moments but usually she would get quiet and ignore me for a day or two and then come back around. It was tolerable, yet not ideal. During the pregnancy I think she knew that she could not use drugs illegally without some type of repercussion, so she checked herself into a medication assisted treatment program and began taking a drug called Subutex. Let me tell you this is no better as it can still be taken with a needle. It's only this time she has a prescription.

The baby was born with an addiction and spent the first month of her life in Children's Hospital. I had so many emotions watching this baby go through withdraw and spending every day at a hospital was really beginning to take a toll on me. Yet, for the most part she and I were doing "OK". When it was time to bring the baby home the switch flipped again. Keep in mind I'm still not aware of BPD and my gut just twists. She's verbally abusive and I'm in tears. This was supposed to be a good day, yet she doesn't even want me around.

The baby has now been home for two weeks. Due to her addiction to drugs DCS has been involved. They have tested her once for drugs about a week ago in an in-home visit and she was clean. However, her BPD symptoms have kicked up a notch. After pregnancy she was switched from Subutex to Suboxone which can not be taken via needle, the baby still has serious issues and cries all the time, and her irritability has gone through the roof. She has started pushing me away again, yet this time she is keeping me from my child as well. If I have the baby and she even whimpers as though she is about to cry she takes her to another room and closes the door. If I ask her if she needs help she says no. In most cases she keeps the baby right by her and if I get close she will go to another room and close the door. The push-pull dynamic continues as I get a brief moment of it all seems ok and let my guard down only to be met an hour or two later with ignoring and a complete shutdown.

In the past week I began looking at her phone and while activity of other men has been dormant for months she's started reaching out to all of them again. Flirting and boosting egos via Facebook mainly. Anyone that she had unfriended via my request has been added back. I've stayed my distance because of the rage and now with the baby I'm really concerned of not only protecting myself but the baby as well. I'm fearful that I'm about to experience another fleeing incident. That I may wake up in the middle of the night to a crying baby and she not be there, or possibly worse they both be gone. I'm afraid it's going to be too much with the crying and she's going to shake the child or harm her in some way. Yet I can't get close enough to intervene.

I've considered leaving or trying to breakup but that brings a whole new set of issues.

1. She lives in my house and I'm not sure where she would go. With DCS involved kicking her to the curb may present some real issues.

2. If I do break this off I want out completely. It hasn't worked well for me in the past to leave that door open for my own sanity I need to close it. I feel like even though she has my child maybe neither of them in my life is the better option. Yet, I have soo much guilt with that line of thinking. I don't want this child to think I don't care about her as she grows up. Not to mention the way my mother would feel about me doing so. Plus, I have two other children from a previous marriage that I do see every other week and have a great relationship with. How would this affect them even though they too walk on eggshells when they are at my house now.

3. l can only imagine the pain of co-parenting with this woman. My daughter would be used as a pawn and may resent me in the long run. Growing up with a BPD mother addicted to drugs? I can only imagine the damage that would be done.

4. I've thought about asking her to put the baby up for adoption while she's still young but I know that would only be met with fury.

5. I could try to take care of the child myself. However, with her needs due to being addicted to drugs I'm not sure I'm capable. I'm not certain I have the support system needed to really help. And at this point the only real way to gain full custodial rights would be for her to really slip up and fail a drug test or possibly just abandon the baby. In order for that to happen that means I would have to wait it out even longer but I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with all of this. And even in this scenario it wouldn't be a clean break. There would be revenge or retaliation. She would eventually find her way back into my life through this child.

I know I've dug this hole, but I'm trying to limit the collateral damage I see on the horizon.

[Seneca]

i have nothing for you but i am so so sorry. someone will show up hopefully and give you good legal advice. i suspect that she should not have this child in her possession, and that if you were not in the situation, the baby would eventually be turned over to foster care for it's own safety. i would forget your romantic involvement, forget her all together, and figure out a way to get full/ sole custody of that child. i know you probably don't want it, but them's the brakes. you cannot in good conscience leave your infant to be raised by a severely disordered drug addict.  :'(

[GreenMango]

Shine

You are in an incredibly emotional and difficult position.  One thing for sure no matter what you choose is getting support.   Whether it's family or friends. ... But definitely a therapist for yourself because the level of stress and severity is profound.   Do you have a therapist?

Nobody should have to go thru this alone or without some kind of person to be a voice of reason.   

The next thing is her addiction.   It's so bad the pregnancy didn't deter her.   It maybe time to let her choices and consequences happen.   

I'd like to suggest you also post on the family law board for advice on the functional issues too in addition to relationship boards.

[shinedog]

Thank you both for your advice.

Yes, I do have a therapist that I see, but only as of late and we really haven't delved into my relationship issues with her just yet. To be honest the whole moment of realizing she had BPD only came into the picture in the last few days when I began looking for an answer to why things are the way they are.

I did place a call to my therapist yesterday and was able to speak with her for a brief moment. I'm sure I laid a lot on her in a short period of time. Obviously, the safety of the baby was first and foremost and then getting my girlfriend the help she needs.

Yesterday was my birthday and when I arrived home the baby had gone to stay with her mother and she had baked a cake, etc. Of course the storm is over for the moment and things are like they never happened as all the times before. DCS was was scheduled to come to the house this morning. I'm sure she will have to take a drug test. If she passes there's a possibility the case will be closed. I don't have any reason to believe that she has used because there are no signs at this point as I've seen in the past. However, if the case is closed it could very well crop up again.

I've come to believe that the drug use while it was to improve her mood or self-medicate the pain she is feeling, the needle use was just a self-harm mechanism. She had mentioned to me at one time being a cutter as a child so I would think this is simply a replacement. I also think the needle use may have been the more important of the two oddly enough. While she was prescribed Subutex during pregnancy I have a feeling there were a great deal of times in which it was taken via IV. Now that she's on Suboxone this is not an option and it almost seems that she takes it when she needs it, but it's not nearly as imperative. She's not even taking the daily prescribed amount which makes me question if she even really needs it to begin with.

In going through this process I've toyed with a lot of emotions. In just the last few days with the help of this site and others I've been able to learn about all the really sad and almost heartbreaking at times things she must really be dealing with and feeling. I know that I can not help her but I really wish she could get some helap. There are good times and bad times with her, that should actually be reworded to there are great times and complete disasters with her. I have to believe that somewhere inside lies the person in between the true self. If this is a hard coded defense mechanism maybe it can't be broken, I don't know.

As I'm learning more and more about this disease and trying to learn all I can it seems to only lead to more questions. There are two areas that I really can't seem to figure out.

1. She has a pet rabbit. She's obsessed with it. It's the focus of all her attention at times. I have no idea why this is. I know people love their pets, but this is almost too much.

2. She has a younger brother. I'm not going to say she is as obsessed with him as she is the rabbit, but there is an odd relationship. If he requests anything of her it must be tended to. If she can't do it for him it's almost like she's wrecked over it. The comment I alway here is you don't know what it's like growing up in that house. At the same time he can let her down and she doesn't seem to rage out of control. He seems to be the one person that can do anything without consequence.

Also, in an attempt to better understand her I've read that much of this can be related to up brining and bad parenting possibly even abuse. I've never had a conversation with her in which she's mentioned abuse or really either parent being bad parents. However, the dynamic there is very odd to me as well. She talks to her mother, but never really talks to her dad much. She talks badly about her mother and downs her but not her dad. She will do for her dad but not her mother. However, she seems very nervous around her dad like the conversation is very difficult for her or that it brings on a good deal of anxiety unlike the more relaxed conversations she has with her mother. Can I derive anything out of this?

Thanks again for all your comments

[GreenMango]

The emotional confusion coming to grips with finding out what's going on and realizing it's possibly BPD can really sweep the rug out from underneath you. The site here has a lot of info.

Sometimes the road to her getting help can be a long one. Some say is hiring bottom. There's also balancing that with the possibility that in more severe cases of BPD bottom can be suicide attempts etc. 

Maybe I can give some leads here. All the boards have a series of lessons pinned to the top of the page. This board has the Choosing a Path lessons. What some find helpful is going thru the steps to see if things get better with changing your approach.   New communication tools , boundaries, etc.

There's also the facts and typical behaviors that people experience with BPD on the Questions About BPD and BPD behaviors board. Topics like self medicating, extinction bursts , abandonment fears, and how to approach them.

If you have any questions just ask, start a thread - there are many members dealing with the self medicating and family issues too.

Happy Birthday.  You are making the first moves to improving things its always hard at first.