lying games

[lisasport]

Why do they say they love us and cheat. Unbelievable!

[Ironmanrises]

 

Because they are disordered.

[lisasport]

After two years of him wanting to marry me found out he was cheating and still denies it.

[Ironmanrises]

That is terrible.

I am so sorry.

[lisasport]

When he found out I knew he cheated he just blocked me and fell off the face of the earth. The hurt is like someone died!

[Reg]

Hi Lisasport,

Actually it isn't unbelievable, well at least not for the borderline mind... . I know it sounds and is hard, but unfortunately it is reality.

They have such a low self image that they are convinced that they will be left again, as they are not worthy.  Also the reason why many of them end up in physical and/or sexual abusive relationships at one point or another.  And probably have been in these before you met them as well.  Certainly in the case of women.  My former partner has been there.

This fear of abandonment they have is very overwhelming I've read.  But on the other hand, it seems that they can not be alone (I've whitnessed that with two persons with borderline) at least many of them can't be.  So out of fear that you will leave them, they cheat on you.  They need a replacement for the person who is going to leave them in their mind.  Which is mostly not reality as their mind plays tricks on them.  Not being able to read their mind, to fulfill all their unspoken needs, is enough to trigger that fear of abandonement.  It is borderline logic... . Not ours.

Remember, they are 3-4 year old emotional children, trapped in the body of an adult.

It is hell for us, I know it very well, but it is also hell for them.  The difference ?  We can be happy one day, they can't ever be happy.

It may sound weird, but finally, we are the lucky ones !  I know that's not much of a comfort after one finds out what they did, but in the end we are... .

Being cheated on, is a very hard thing, I've experienced it with two persons from my former partner. And she had asked me also to marry her before I could, twice.  

I know exactly how it feels, and I've had the denial as well.  Hang in there !  If you need to vent here, just do it, it can help a lot.

Reg

[willbegood]

Yep, lie and if they get caught run away. Or if you corner them they go on the offensive and attack.

They seem to really love the honeymoon phase.

Sorry to hear about this!

[winston72]

Hey Lisasport!  That is really appalling. I am so sorry.  The pain of infidelity is searing. I know it all too well from my own life.

May I suggest that the post discovery flight is likely a flee from shame. People in that circumstance, borderline or not, can find the shame of their own behavior just too much to tolerate. So, rather than face themselves, they run.

Again, so sorry for your pain and your loss. It is a death, at least of the relationship you thought you had.

[Learning_curve74]

When he found out I knew he cheated he just blocked me and fell off the face of the earth. The hurt is like someone died!

Sorry to hear it's so painful for you, lisasport. It doesn't take the pain away, but here's a hug: 

I know what you mean, the things I found out that my exBPDgf was doing made me feel totally violated.

Like winston72 said, he is running in shame. He cannot bear to face up to his own lousy BS.

Hang in there, you've suffered a big loss, and like losing somebody who's died, you will probably have to go through a process of grieving before feeling better.

[nevaeh]

Why do they say they love us and cheat. Unbelievable!

Lisa, My uBPDh has cheated on me on more than one occasion, the worst of which was while he was on active duty in Iraq, with his commanding officer (he is also an officer).  I found out about it when he came home and he was spending a great deal of time on his computer at all hours of the night and he would actually talk about the fact that he missed her "friendship".  I hacked into his e-mail and got the evidence that they were having an emotional and physical affair as well as even discussing divorcing their spouses and her moving to our state so that they could be married.

The realization of this affair was devastating for me.  Our marriage was rough up to that point (this happened at the 10-year mark) but while he was deployed I thought our relationship grew stronger and we had figured out how to appreciate each other more, particularly since there was the potential that he might not come home (from war). 

What blew my mind was that he actually didn't deny that he loved her!  As he was begging me not to leave him and asserting that he also loves me!  I could not wrap my brain around the fact that he was emboldened enough to tell me that he loved us both.  He even told me a couple of weeks after I found out that maybe when we "got past the affair" that his mistress and her husband and me and my husband could all be friends and we could get the families together to hang out for vacations and such.  I simply could not comprehend what was going on in his mind that he could even be thinking such a thing.

Recovering from the affair has been difficult.  It has been 8 years and while I still get mad about it, it really doesn't even hold a candle to all of his BPD craziness.  When I read Walking on Eggshells and figured out that I was dealing with a pwBPD, it all made sense.  The comments he made about the "why" he and she got together and why they became so close both emotionally and sexually made perfect sense.  H has a strong NEED to have someone there with him to regulate his emotions.  She became that person for him.  He told me once that she was a "surrogate" for me and that when he was loving her, in his mind he was with me, kind of pretending in a way that she was me.  When he first told me this I thought he was completely pulling stuff out of his you-know-what.  However, when I learned about BPD I realized how much sense that comment made. 

Don't get me wrong, it doesn't excuse the behavior of telling someone you love them and then cheating on them.  That is a real behavior with real consequences.  Once I made the conscious decision to stay with him, I made it very clear that there would be no more instances of this... .next one and he would be gone with no questions asked.   I don't know your personal situation and whether you are married or have kids, but you just have to decide what the consequence needs to be in your personal situation.  If I hadn't had 3 kids (one only an infant) I would have left him with no questions asked.  But custody issues, BPD, financial concerns, etc were the main reasons I chose to stay and try to make it work. Now we are at 18 years and I am ready to leave.

In my opinion maybe the question is what is your partner's "capacity" to truly love someone.  When he tells you he loves you, what does that mean to you vs. what does it mean to him.  I have said to myself several times over the years that my H "loves me the best way he knows how".  Is it the kind of love I want in my life?  No.  But in order to make the best of things that is what I told myself to survive.

[Octoberfest]

Hi Lisasport,

Actually it isn't unbelievable, well at least not for the borderline mind... . I know it sounds and is hard, but unfortunately it is reality.

They have such a low self image that they are convinced that they will be left again, as they are not worthy.  Also the reason why many of them end up in physical and/or sexual abusive relationships at one point or another.  And probably have been in these before you met them as well.  Certainly in the case of women.  My former partner has been there.

This fear of abandonment they have is very overwhelming I've read.  But on the other hand, it seems that they can not be alone (I've whitnessed that with two persons with borderline) at least many of them can't be.  So out of fear that you will leave them, they cheat on you.  They need a replacement for the person who is going to leave them in their mind.  Which is mostly not reality as their mind plays tricks on them.  Not being able to read their mind, to fulfill all their unspoken needs, is enough to trigger that fear of abandonement.  It is borderline logic... . Not ours.

Remember, they are 3-4 year old emotional children, trapped in the body of an adult.

It is hell for us, I know it very well, but it is also hell for them.  The difference ?  We can be happy one day, they can't ever be happy.

It may sound weird, but finally, we are the lucky ones !  I know that's not much of a comfort after one finds out what they did, but in the end we are... .

Being cheated on, is a very hard thing, I've experienced it with two persons from my former partner. And she had asked me also to marry her before I could, twice.  

I know exactly how it feels, and I've had the denial as well.  Hang in there !  If you need to vent here, just do it, it can help a lot.

Reg

An excellent post.

I too dealt with a ton of cheating during my 9 months with my BPDex.  There was no more than a week or two when she wasn't involved with someone else. Each time that I caught her red handed I was told that it was all of my fault, my number was blocked, facebook blocked, etc.  Then I would get into touch with her, tell her how I didn't understand before how my actions might cause her to do what she did, we would recycle, and the whole thing repeated. Man... .the times I "drove" my BPDex to desperate points where she would try to cut or snort hydros.  How did I do it? By demanding transparency, demanding respect and honesty, and demanding that she be faithful.  Looking at her, you would have thought I asked her to chop off her own arm.  She seems to do fine when no one is trying to force her into a real, respectful, honest, genuine relationship.  You know, when she is free to do whatever she pleases to handle her shame, consequences be damned.  It truly is a sad disorder. 

[lisasport]

What is going on? He cheated. I joined match.com aftet the fact but he blocked my number when it was his fault. Got ahold of him and hes mad that I'm on match! What the heck! Hello he cheated. Says hes moving on. Wow he says he is mad I'm on match. What's going on. Hello he has been cheating