I see through her pleas... but now what?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

For those of you that know the background of my recent situation, I decided firmly not to travel overseas to my uBPDmom even though she put together a huge event for me to do a guest speaking engagement at. I communicated this to her several times and at first she laid the guilt on me thick (that i was embarassing  her by not coming... ."what do i do now?" etc.) and then later pretended i was still coming.

The event came and went last week. I sent my mom a text simply asking, "hey, so how did it go?" I probably shouldnt have... .but the response would have been the same, really.

At first she didnt respond to me at all... .which i was completely fine with.

This evening she texts me:

Hi sweetie, i didnt reply to your earlier message because i was terribly upset and disappointed you didnt come to the event. You didnt even call me to console me. Please call me, i want to hear your voice.

I read this clearly as: give me attention!

I see through her pleas for attention so clearly now. for me to mother her.

But i'm just at a loss for what to do next? I havent texted her back because nothing i say will be enough and/or it will reward her behavior. but i also feel like silence rewards her assumptions of me being the cold hearted villain.

any thoughts or advice?

[rise_up]

For those of you that know the background of my recent situation, I decided firmly not to travel overseas to my uBPDmom even though she put together a huge event for me to do a guest speaking engagement at. I communicated this to her several times and at first she laid the guilt on me thick (that i was embarassing  her by not coming... ."what do i do now?" etc.) and then later pretended i was still coming.

The event came and went last week. I sent my mom a text simply asking, "hey, so how did it go?" I probably shouldnt have... .but the response would have been the same, really.

At first she didnt respond to me at all... .which i was completely fine with.

This evening she texts me:

Hi sweetie, i didnt reply to your earlier message because i was terribly upset and disappointed you didnt come to the event. You didnt even call me to console me. Please call me, i want to hear your voice.

I read this clearly as: give me attention!

I see through her pleas for attention so clearly now. for me to mother her.

But i'm just at a loss for what to do next? I havent texted her back because nothing i say will be enough and/or it will reward her behavior. but i also feel like silence rewards her assumptions of me being the cold hearted villain.

any thoughts or advice?

[GeekyGirl]

It could be that your mother wants attention--that would make a lot of sense. Is it possible, though, that she's just really upset that you couldn't be at this event? You did make it clear to your mother that you couldn't be there because of other commitments.

I communicated this to her several times and at first she laid the guilt on me thick (that i was embarassing  her by not coming... ."what do i do now?" etc.) and then later pretended i was still coming.

Do you think that she was expecting you to be there?

She could be looking for attention and for you to soothe her. There could be some genuine disappointment and hurt in there too. If you don't text her back, what would be best for you to do instead?

[rise_up]

GeekyGirl,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 

I feel like you have brought up a very important point. I may have also slipped into black/white thinking about her behavior... .i scrutinize every word and tone and action of hers so that it falls into some kind of BPD bucket. i think it's my way of protecting myself from her manipulation and guilt-tripping.

It's possible that she is genuinely upset... .and it's difficult for me to separate that possibility from painting her as manipulative.

I still have not texted her back. What would be in my best interest is to probably call her tomorrow and be kind yet very firm with my boundaries... .any guilt tripping or blaming will result in me saying "i dont want to talk about that. how was your day?" if it continues, "i have to hang up now."

perhaps?

[GeekyGirl]

I still have not texted her back. What would be in my best interest is to probably call her tomorrow and be kind yet very firm with my boundaries... .any guilt tripping or blaming will result in me saying "i dont want to talk about that. how was your day?" if it continues, "i have to hang up now."

Sounds like a plan.  It's so hard, but your best bet is to keep holding up those boundaries, and yes, if the conversation turns in a direction that you're not comfortable with, you can end it.

I know it's easy to scrutinize your mother's behavior and words--I've done it too. Sometimes I really have to take a step back and ask myself, "What's really driving XXX's behavior?" I've made assumptions about people's behavior too (including my mother's), but when I've stopped and really thought about things from their perspectives, sometimes I can see things differently. I do that a lot at work, as sometimes I have to deal with some difficult employee issues.

Good luck, and know that we're all here for you. 

[louise 716]

rise_up,

Good for you for adhering to your boundary of not going to the event your mom pre-arranged without your permission!  You can be very proud of yourself!

I can certainly see why you would think your mom's text message was a plea for attention: "You didnt even call me to console me. Please call me, i want to hear your voice."

"It's possible that she is genuinely upset ... ." ... .of course it is. She had planned an event, saying you would be there, and when you stuck to your word/boundary and it was apparent you were going to be a no show, she had to scramble.

Sounds like a plan ... ."What would be in my best interest is to probably call her tomorrow and be kind yet very firm with my boundaries... .any guilt tripping or blaming will result in me saying 'i dont want to talk about that. how was your day?' if it continues, 'i have to hang up now.'" The speaking event is over. You didn't go. She already told you she was "terribly upset and disappointed."  Time to talk about something else.

Good luck. Stick to your boundaries! You can do it ... .it gets easier and easier each time you stand your ground.