Advice on how to approach the latest big blow up

[Depression = 72% of members]

Backstory: We have been working through issues (on both our ends) and things have improved from where they were. Typically there is one dysregulation a week now and mostly the harsher language (name calling, etc. has stopped completely). Right now I have clonipin to take in the event of an anxiety attack, typically they happen during his dysregulations bc I feel overwhelmed and then I can't handle my reactions calmly.

I got home from work yesterday and could tell BPD H was a bit off, though he still showed some affection he was just quiet. I continued on as normal, which is what I am supposed to do and after 30 minutes he started snipping at me. I responded calmly and then said I was going to read in the bedroom. I was there for about 10 minutes before he came in and apologized for getting snippy. Said he thinks it is because he didn't eat lunch. I said OK and then he had a nap.

When he woke up, he was very affectionate and we decided to go out to eat for dinner (just several blocks away). At dinner the conversation was about lost friendships. I'm currently estranged from my family of origin and this is a trigger for him but he has been telling me he wants me to open up about what's going on with me. So, for the first time in a month or more, I told him what I discussed with my therapist in relation to my FOO. He wasn't angry and we had an OK discussion for a few minutes. Then he started feeling like he had to defend his position on where he was with them, which snowballed into him not needing to speak to them ever again. I said I didn't want to discuss it anymore. He said I had to bc I brought it up. I said I wouldn't and didn't have anything else to say.

He then told me congratulations on F8cking up everything again after 3 days this time. I picked up my purse and left, because I can't handle being blamed and talked down to. It's very unhealthy for me as I have not yet gotten to a point where it rolls off. I just soak it all up. So I walked home and texted him that I was home and left because I can't handle being talked down to.

He got home a bit later. We did not speak. I got ready for bed, took a clonipin and went to the bedroom to cuddle with our dog-one of my self soothing techniques. He came into the bedroom and said he'd never been walked out on before, so I know that he felt hurt by this. Then he brought up that a male friend invited me to this Underwear Cycle-that evening-that happens monthly in our city (I've gone once before with a mutual female friend). Also recently we had a party and a different male friend was a bit flirtatious, though it was clear that I was not putting out any signals or reciprocate, it was of his own voalition.  I did not go to the Underwear Cycle either. Though H maintains that he is not jealous of anyone and is a very flirtatious person himself, he uses these things to mean that I must be doing something to invoke this attention. I am not. I'm a nice person and I know many people find me attractive. However, I hadn't even talked to the inviter in a couple weeks, so I am confident that I cannot be blamed for his actions if H feels they are out of line. I told H that I hadn't talked to him even and couldn't control other people. He said he was going to message them both the next day and tell them they were out of line. I said fine. I know better than to tell him what he can and can't do.   

A few minutes later he came back in and told me "You can f8ck whoever you want you f8cking slut. I'm done with you."

I didn't pick it up. I cuddled my dog until I fell asleep, woke up this morning and went off to work while he slept.

He messaged me after I was at work and said "So what do you think about what happened last night?" And I am not sure how to respond or if I should. Obviously he still believes he was justified, and I know that I am not going to let ANYONE speak to me the way he did. I am done being manipulated by him. Please any advice is welcome. Do I just wait for him to think about it himself? It feels like a trap.

-B

[Bloomer]

Backstory: We have been working through issues (on both our ends) and things have improved from where they were. Typically there is one dysregulation a week now and mostly the harsher language (name calling, etc. has stopped completely). Right now I have clonipin to take in the event of an anxiety attack, typically they happen during his dysregulations bc I feel overwhelmed and then I can't handle my reactions calmly.

I got home from work yesterday and could tell BPD H was a bit off, though he still showed some affection he was just quiet. I continued on as normal, which is what I am supposed to do and after 30 minutes he started snipping at me. I responded calmly and then said I was going to read in the bedroom. I was there for about 10 minutes before he came in and apologized for getting snippy. Said he thinks it is because he didn't eat lunch. I said OK and then he had a nap.

When he woke up, he was very affectionate and we decided to go out to eat for dinner (just several blocks away). At dinner the conversation was about lost friendships. I'm currently estranged from my family of origin and this is a trigger for him but he has been telling me he wants me to open up about what's going on with me. So, for the first time in a month or more, I told him what I discussed with my therapist in relation to my FOO. He wasn't angry and we had an OK discussion for a few minutes. Then he started feeling like he had to defend his position on where he was with them, which snowballed into him not needing to speak to them ever again. I said I didn't want to discuss it anymore. He said I had to bc I brought it up. I said I wouldn't and didn't have anything else to say.

He then told me congratulations on F8cking up everything again after 3 days this time. I picked up my purse and left, because I can't handle being blamed and talked down to. It's very unhealthy for me as I have not yet gotten to a point where it rolls off. I just soak it all up. So I walked home and texted him that I was home and left because I can't handle being talked down to.

He got home a bit later. We did not speak. I got ready for bed, took a clonipin and went to the bedroom to cuddle with our dog-one of my self soothing techniques. He came into the bedroom and said he'd never been walked out on before, so I know that he felt hurt by this. Then he brought up that a male friend invited me to this Underwear Cycle-that evening-that happens monthly in our city (I've gone once before with a mutual female friend). Also recently we had a party and a different male friend was a bit flirtatious, though it was clear that I was not putting out any signals or reciprocate, it was of his own voalition.  I did not go to the Underwear Cycle either. Though H maintains that he is not jealous of anyone and is a very flirtatious person himself, he uses these things to mean that I must be doing something to invoke this attention. I am not. I'm a nice person and I know many people find me attractive. However, I hadn't even talked to the inviter in a couple weeks, so I am confident that I cannot be blamed for his actions if H feels they are out of line. I told H that I hadn't talked to him even and couldn't control other people. He said he was going to message them both the next day and tell them they were out of line. I said fine. I know better than to tell him what he can and can't do.   

A few minutes later he came back in and told me "You can f8ck whoever you want you f8cking slut. I'm done with you."

I didn't pick it up. I cuddled my dog until I fell asleep, woke up this morning and went off to work while he slept.

He messaged me after I was at work and said "So what do you think about what happened last night?" And I am not sure how to respond or if I should. Obviously he still believes he was justified, and I know that I am not going to let ANYONE speak to me the way he did. I am done being manipulated by him. Please any advice is welcome. Do I just wait for him to think about it himself? It feels like a trap.

-B

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[Grey Kitty]

It sounds like he wants to be intimate with you and be involved with your inner world of feelings... .and does not have the capacity to hear about it without taking things personally and going off on you. Sigh.

And I am not sure how to respond or if I should. Obviously he still believes he was justified, and I know that I am not going to let ANYONE speak to me the way he did.

That is a good boundary to keep and enforce. Stick to it.

When you have a boundary like that, you ONLY need to enforce it by removing yourself from those situations. You do NOT have to convince him that it is justified. You also do NOT have to negotiate anything regarding it with him.

As an option, you may choose to explain what your limits are on that boundary. That may be helpful, or it may not be; it is your choice.

My take on that query about last night is that most likely he's trying to get you to engage again. I don't know if ignoring it totally will set him off, but I'd keep my engagement on it pretty limited. And I know I try to avoid heavy emotional discussions/fights in txt messages... .that seems to be likely to make things worse, not better.

Hang in there!

 GK

[Bloomer]

Thanks GK.   

Update: I responded to a question he asked concerning why I wouldn't answer his question relating to my family last night. I told him it had nothing to do with the question specificially, that I just didn't feel comfortable talking about it any more. He attempted to say I should have seen he was triggered and end the conversation and apologize for bringing it up... .As luck would have it, I did validate his feelings last night, apologized for bringing it up and then tried to END the conversation! Kills me sometimes.

I explained I left the bar bc a boundary was stepped on and that is what my therapist has advised I do based on my anxiety and other negative behaviors that result when I do not exit situations where blaming happens. So that went round to him saying I broke a promise and violated his boundary. (talking about my family and approaching my mother). I told him that he asked me to discuss these things with him so I wasn't aware it was a boundary not to. And I thought the boundary was that I should discuss any actions I'm thinking about taking with my family, which I was doing. I didn't actually contact my mother. I was talking to him about my feelings on it.

He said I don't care and told me "as I said last night, do whatever you want"

I was able to look past the cut and said I do care about you very much and I'm trying to understand how to manage reasonable expectations in this situation. blah blah validation blah blah. He responded more positively and hit on the specific trigger in the conversation. I said what I thought about the situation and also explained how learning about how to handle things in our r/s directly relates to the situation with my mother. She's hurt and isn't hearing the way I've communicated that I care about her and want to have a discussion with her. So maybe, just like with H, I need to tell her in a different way that she can hear me better. We are already not speaking, so what is there to lose?

He did apologize for getting so mad about the guy friends and said it was compounded by other things and feeling like I didn't care. I told him I was aware of that but he really upset me with "insert specific remark here" I validated his feelings again and went on to explain that I am setting a boundary around those types of comments. I will remove myself from the conversation. If they become habitual, I will remove myself completely. They are not good for my personal work. He said "do what you have to"

Then I had to explain why I left the bar, again, because he tried to compare me leaving the bar and what he said. I made sure to tell him I understand it was upsetting but it wasn't meant to hurt him, it was to protect me.

All in all, I still feel pretty emotional about this. He invited me for a drink after our play rehearsal. So fortunate that I'm an actress, eh?

B.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I think you did very well. Taking care of yourself and sticking to your boundaries. Well done 

[jads]

Sounds like you did a good job taking care of you.  He may have been triggered when you were having that conversation, but it is his responsibility to tell you he's triggered and what he needs to have happen, not your job to try to mind read.  We absolutely need to have boundaries and stick to them, so good for you! My BPD husband has a problem when I use the term boundary though because he sees it as a restriction on him.