"Dumping" her before she "dumps" me

[nowwhatz]

With her out of the country for a couple of weeks and our recycle pattern reaching the point where she usually shuts me out and starts engaing the second team I am seriously contemplating shutting her out or ramping up the controlled contact while she is away.

She can call me by wifi and she is taking my calls and, comparativley speaking, she is a lot "better" this time around then before.

I don't think I am that much better than before even though I have a better knowledge of BPD. I know I will have withdrawals if I cut her off. I have always been there for her etc. but know she can find a way to survive without me... .probably by going back to mexico permanently to live with her mom.

We talked yesterday and it was nice but I know what is going on behind the scenes and I think she knows I am on to her more than in the past.

As long as she is with her family she is fine and does not really need me for anything. When she gets back in a couple of weeks she will be down.

I want to tell her how I feel but know it will not be well received. She has pissed me off a bit because she won't text me because she says she can't because of her nails. i am not big texter but I know that is a lie because she had know problem texting me when she came back from mexico a couple of weeks ago to tell me how sad she was etc.

Anyways... .typical BPD story.  She is recovering from surgery right now but sounded like she was getting along fine yesterday.

If I call her and tell her I want to slow things down and not have any kind of "romantic" r/s with her until _________ I am pretty sure I won't hear from her for a while and she won't take any calls for a while.

Or I can just go dark and ignore her... .she won't be calling for a while anyways.

Or stick with it... .be the caretaker, get lied to and taken advantage, live the life of the BPD partner.

If there is any dumping to be done I want to do it first for a change.

Any thoughts?  Thank you.

[Samuel S.]

With her out of the country, that definitely works to your advantage so that you can take care of yourself. That is essential for you, and since she is a typical BPD, the vicious cycle can resume at a moment's notice. I would suggest that you write a list of pros and cons as to why it is good to have her around and then another list of pros and cons as to why it is good not to have her around. Then, you can determine what is best for you. The best of luck to you!

[nowwhatz]

With her out of the country, that definitely works to your advantage so that you can take care of yourself. That is essential for you, and since she is a typical BPD, the vicious cycle can resume at a moment's notice. I would suggest that you write a list of pros and cons as to why it is good to have her around and then another list of pros and cons as to why it is good not to have her around. Then, you can determine what is best for you. The best of luck to you!

Sam S I appreciate your response and agree her being out of the country for a couple of more weeks gives me a chance to take care of myself.

I sent a short email telling her sorry I cannot go to mexico in 2 weeks... .I think she was counting on my to give her a ride back and told her to call me when she has wifi so I can reitterate. 

In the past I have made a pros and cons list. The end result was the cons list was about 10 times longer than the pros list... .this caused me to basically beat myself up for being such an idiot. Maybe now I am better able to accept a pros/cons list.

As I have mentioned before she is going through a criminal legal proceeding. A retired detective friend of mine has advised that I distance myself from her so I don't get dragged into her mess somehow... .like being deposed for example... .even though I have nothing to do with her alleged crimes.

I was thinking of telling her I have to stay clear of her until her legal issues are settled to protect myself from inconveninces etc.  I don't know what will happen with her but I know with legal stuff the lawyers/detectives etc often interview or get depositions from friends and family etc.

If I do that I will try to use the S.E.T. method to communicate this.

[nowwhatz]

I got an answer to my email because I told her not to forget to bring back some items I "loaned" her.  I asked her in a nice way like she was doing me a favor.  I got a predictable indignant reply and I asked how she was.

She answered so - so.  So I responded with and S.E.T. type answer.

I almost sent her a let's take a break email but I think she has already gone into disappearance mode... .but the clock is ticking on her and I might be her last hope so to speak.

She is reaching out to her backup guy but I don't think that guy will put up with her.  My plan which I hope to stick to is keep her on block (straight to vm)... .refrain from contacting her. She is recovering from surgery and I want to be civil and not kick he when she is down... .so I am going to try to give her 5 days and check in.

Try best as I can to move her to the friends zone.

Like any drug the rush and pleasure of being with her at this point of the cycle is really small. I am not getting anything much that I need out of her.

I don't want to write her off because I see a little progress in her but for now gonna have to suck it up and go through my withdrawals.

Gonna try to reach out to my family, other people, maybe do some volunteer work and find some life outside of my work and her problems to help deal with the withdrawals.

My plans concerning this woman always seem to go awry so please wish me luck.

[Surnia]

Hi nowwhatz

In the past I have made a pros and cons list. The end result was the cons list was about 10 times longer than the pros list... .this caused me to basically beat myself up for being such an idiot. Maybe now I am better able to accept a pros/cons list.

Good idea! 

I would keep this in mind. And go for it regarding family, friends, volunteer work. 

[nowwhatz]

Hi nowwhatz

In the past I have made a pros and cons list. The end result was the cons list was about 10 times longer than the pros list... .this caused me to basically beat myself up for being such an idiot. Maybe now I am better able to accept a pros/cons list.

Good idea! 

I would keep this in mind. And go for it regarding family, friends, volunteer work. 

Yes, I have a lot to keep me busy. My job alone is a 3 ring circus with almost as many thrills and spills as dating a BPD... .so I can sometimes get my adrenaline rush from work just fine

A pro and cons list ... .well... .it is kind of embarrassing because the cons outweigh the pros tenfold at least... .and I have trouble distinguishing the pros from reality or fantasy.

I am pulling away and she is on "disappear mode" but I am the only one who can break the cycle. When she gets back in a couple of weeks that will be the real test.  She owes me something that I have to get back from her and I plan on holding her to our agreement when she gets back.

[nowwhatz]

had her blocked straight to vm over weekend and until today.

she left a message this morning early to say good morning.

then later she called about 10 am.  i picked up and talked a bit. she sounded like she missed me.  then later asked for $ so she can get hair extensions to "look nice" for me. I had forgotten I had promised to get her hair extensions a while back.

I had busy day at work

then tonight she called and left a message to say goodnight. sounds lonely.

I had a good day with my business although overwhelmed and was too exhausted mentally to call her back.

I am sure she knows I have my phone ringer turned off.  she is with her mom who can take care of her.

I am too confused to talk with her and very uncertain about the future of the r/s.  I feel like I am her last desperate hope... .the only guy who really loved her she says.

Part of me wants to take the risk and move closer to her.  I can't tell if she just wants something from me or wants me.

she is in bed, bored, recovering from surgery, being taken care of by her mom.

I'll try to just stay the course and deal with my own issues as much as possible ... .let her keep calling me... .pick up when I want to.

[Surnia]

Mh, this sounds for me like a 

then later asked for $ so she can get hair extensions to "look nice" for me.

My advice here: Stay tuned with yourself, your own feelings, as much as possible. We are soo tempted wondering about our SO, making sense of their words and so on.

[goldylamont]

it sounds really hard what you're going through, the back and forth, and then of course the curse-of-the-nons, that being that you actually care enough for her to put her needs first once and a while. i know for me it was other men that put the full stop for me trying to save the r/s. with my ex constantly claiming i was cheating i wasn't sticking around while she flirted with other men, trying to use me as a backup. and the whole line about you being the only one who loved her... .wouldn't give this so much credit. in general i think it's safe to say "i bet you tell that to all the guy(s) you're talking to". hang in there, it's really hard to be logical but it sounds like the distance is giving you the perspective you need. your alternatives of surrounding yourself with family, friends and volunteer work sounds awesome.

and as far as the subject of your posting--dumping her before she dumps you; sad but true. it feels like a lot of our r/s end up in this place. the place being one where your BPD SO is only "nice" when she needs something from you, or whenever she's bored with whoever else she's reaching out to telling the same damn things to. sorry to hear this.

if it's boiled down to a simple power struggle at this point then i recommend doing only what is best for you at this point. would she be half as supportive of you if you were going through surgery in another country?

[nowwhatz]

Thanks very much for the input and replies.

She called again this morning and I did not take her call.  As the guy who has always been there for her I am sure she is noticing that.

I did, however, call her back and had a generally nice conversation.

She said she thought about what we have talked about in the past and she is absolutely positive I am the guy for her... .and she has changed etc.  I will admit the medication is helping her and I have noticed differences.

I kind of brushed off what she said and told her well we need to go slow and that I had changed since we first met 2 years ago, and that I am not as "nice" as I was then. Then I listed a quick rundown of some of my eccentricities which could annoy her.  Then she said well if you change your mind let me know etc.

Well if there is any good news here the normal cycle of conflict that always occurs in our recycles has been broken and we are closer to speaking to each other like normal adults might.

Oh yeah she still wants the hair extensions. 

There is humor in here somewhere. Sometimes you just have to laugh.

[Surnia]

Oh yeah she still wants the hair extensions. 

There is humor in here somewhere. Sometimes you just have to laugh.

You don't know yet which turn it will take - you will always remember the hair extensions. Its good to have humor sometimes in all this. 

[nowwhatz]

Oh yeah she still wants the hair extensions. 

There is humor in here somewhere. Sometimes you just have to laugh.

You don't know yet which turn it will take - you will always remember the hair extensions. Its good to have humor sometimes in all this. 

Presently the only constant are the hair extensions .

[Surnia]

Presently the only constant are the hair extensions .

Love this one. A sentence with a lot of potential.

[nowwhatz]

Presently the only constant are the hair extensions .

Love this one. A sentence with a lot of potential.

Just a quick update here.

She is going crazy down there in Mexico while recuperating from surgery. Her mom is taking care of her but her drug addict 50 year old brother is making her go berzerkers.

She has intermittent wifi access and her phone doesn't always allow her to make wifi calls so I told her to get skype.

So she gets skype and days go by and she has not accepted my request to add me.

I am getting frustrated because I told her I needed to speak with her as we had talked about me going down there this weekend. But now there is no contact so I got frustrated and sent her an email telling her basically to call me when she wants to and add me to her skype when she wants to talk.

I put her back on block on my iphone so she will go straight to vm. I don't expect to hear from her for a few days... .she will need to leave a message... .but it is too late for me to set up any plans to go see her this weekend now.

She has to come back to the usa to deal with her legal problems... .if she does not come back she will never be able to come back except through some sort of extradition if she misses a court date.

Anyways, I am backing off and will focus more on myself now that I have finished my temporary ride on the BPD wonder wheel for a few days. blech.

[Surnia]

Sounds not good, very frustrating.

I think focus on yourself is what you can do.