I have been here and I love this place. I mean I wouldn't be in my current mind set with out finding this place. Everyone here is amazing but the overwhelming theme is how everyone here that tries to stay keeps running in to the same problems over and over again. The pain the abuse the "egg shells" this is what really was the break through for me. I have been all over myself trying the benefit of doubt or anything. I never wanted to be the one who caved. Frankly I think of myself as a strong person in all other aspects of my life. But here after an almost 10 year relationship with my wife I am here to say she finally won. I have given it my all, everything my heart, soul, life, family, and money, and she took it. All of it with nothing in return, I can say in the 10 years she has returned nothing back I was always the one to bend. Always the one to break, but I found here my story isn't new I'm not the first, second or even't 1000'th to suffer. That almost the exact thing that happened to me has happened countless times is heart breaking. The stories are almost too similar. Too exacting in their detail and pain, it is almost like someone was stalking me.
These facts help with the healing but it is like seeing behind the curtain in OZ. I think the quote is something like this. That which as been seen can not be unseen. This is the story of my life lately. Now when I am being directly verbally attacked again I can see the driving factor. Every single time she calls me and then yells at the other drivers on the road, the weather, the sun, anything that interferes with her "plan". I see the illness, I understand the why and I don't know how I got here. The years of control it took to get me afraid to even ask what is for dinner. Why did I let myself get so weak, why did I let her win everything. Once you see behind the curtain I think there is no going back. I am afraid even in leaving I have still lost Forever in life she will have taken everything I had, and taken everything I had. I know this makes no sense and I am trying, it seems even with all the help I have been getting I can not unsee the damage that has been wrought. I don't expect anyone to read this or make sense of it(if you do let me know) this is just me seeing the injustice of it all. The injustice of every relationship here that we all suffered though/still are, and still can't understand how it happened... .The humanity of it all. I remember watching TV tonight and hearing a joke on one of the shows.
He is only 22 life will get much much worse, and laughing too long really too too long at it... . This is what I learned.
In bold.
Once you see behind the curtain... .
You realize that... .
That was always present... .
Throughout the relationship... .
Even in idealization... .
It was there... .
Just under the surface... .
I realized that in round 2 with my ex.
I saw it all unfold.
All of it.
It was always there.
