Hypochondria

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This came up in another thread.

One of the more minor mental symptoms I noticed in my ex was hypochondria.

In both of our two biggest crises (when the love triangle broke out two years ago, and our recent protracted break up) he's developed physical hypochondriasis. Feeling vaguely "unwell," fearing some minor eczema (probably just from some food allergy, he has a lot) was the sign of some fatal disease, terrified he had gotten HIV even though he is not high-risk in terms of behavior at all (though maybe the paranoid focus on STDs is tied up with his sexual ambivalence). Visiting several doctors for more opinions (some of whom told him his only real problem is the anxiety itself). This time told me he had a letter prepared for his family if he was dying.

It wasn't a big thing but it was there and always lined up with his emotionally dark periods.


Anyone else have this experience?

[UmbrellaBoy]

This came up in another thread.

One of the more minor mental symptoms I noticed in my ex was hypochondria.

In both of our two biggest crises (when the love triangle broke out two years ago, and our recent protracted break up) he's developed physical hypochondriasis. Feeling vaguely "unwell," fearing some minor eczema (probably just from some food allergy, he has a lot) was the sign of some fatal disease, terrified he had gotten HIV even though he is not high-risk in terms of behavior at all (though maybe the paranoid focus on STDs is tied up with his sexual ambivalence). Visiting several doctors for more opinions (some of whom told him his only real problem is the anxiety itself). This time told me he had a letter prepared for his family if he was dying.

It wasn't a big thing but it was there and always lined up with his emotionally dark periods.


Anyone else have this experience?

[triangleheart]

Hi Umbrella,

From reading on these boards, esp in the parents board, you will see a lot of people bring up hypochondria and BPD.

My personal experience after nearly 4 yrs with my udBPDxbf is yes... .he always had aches and pains to complain about, and sometimes more severe complaints. This year he became convinced that he had a medical problem requiring surgery which he had about 7 years ago. He went to a couple of doctors and had imaging tests done, which showed nothing and the doctors told him they didn't see anything wrong. I went to one of the appointments and I felt the doctor thought my BF was nuts and was practically rolling his eyes as my bf became almost hysterical in his belief that he needed surgery.

He went through three doctors until I finally found one for him that agreed to do exploratory surgery. For over 4 months prior to this, he constantly complained that he was in excruciating pain. Hence we rarely went out, and I waited on him hand and foot. I began to fall into a depression from his constant complaining and whining. Everything was all about him and his pain. The end result? He dumped me a week before the surgery and later told me that he had the surgery and they found nothing wrong. Said maybe he had a pulled muscle.

Imaging spending over four months in "agony" and convincing a surgeon to cut you open and... .nothing is wrong! To me, this showed a serious mental disturbance.

Was it a somatic expression of his anxiety? Probably But it was so extreme, it disturbs me.

[frustrated b/f]

 . . . yea there was always something wrong with my uBPD g/f, and the thought of hypochondria crossed my mind on more than one occasion. She was also continually convinced she had kidney infections because of me sleeping around,which was completely false.

[love4meNOTu]

This thread is shocking to me...

My x had debilitating shoulder/ neck/ numbness and pain.

We went to three different specialists, had two MRI's and multiple x rays done.

They found nothing. I told my x that we could consider alternative therapies, like acupuncture or massage therapy. He declined. I did ask him to notice that his pain was worse when he was stressed. In his head perhaps? His body reacting to what his mind was doing to him?

He finally stopped going to the doctor, said I made him go, so of course the bills were all my fault.

Looking back things are beginning to make sense to me. The times he was so very quiet, yet picking at his eyebrows. His mind going going going... .it must be hell to live like that.

[ts919]

My uBPDw constantly has problems... .always complaining about something being in pain.  Bad sinuses, a sinus infection, constant headaches, something wrong with her foot, tooth problems... .easily the most sickly 28 year old woman I've ever been around. 

Here's a question for all of you:  after being around someone like this for an extended period of time, did you find yourself having unexplained aches and pains as well?  Honestly, since I've been married (2 years) I've been sick more than I've ever been, and had several back/neck issues that I've never had before.  I'm convinced it's from the stress of living with her!

[momtara]

Yes.  There's a term for all of this:

www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000955.htm

[UmbrellaBoy]

Do you think such hypochondria can meet the criteria for the last DSM-IV symptom "Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms." Is hypochondria triggered by stress a form of transient paranoid ideation?

[Waddams]

I came to the conclusion that they use their perceived health problems as another tool for manipulation/control, playing on our guilt.  Sometimes maybe it's all made up, sometimes they really are feeling bad, but it's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy for them if you ask me.  Their thoughts become their reality.

My uBipolarXW would be feeling lousy, and would get upset at me for even going to the grocery store w/out her still, but then wouldn't go... .catch 22... .bad if she has to go, bad is she doesn't, but the house is still out of food and toilet paper, so you gotta just pick your poison and go with or without her.  Either way it gave her something else to hold against me.

However, if whoever her currently idealized friend called and wanted to get together, all the sudden she was well and fine and out the door.  Which got to be fine with me.  Gave me a break.

So glad I don't live like that anymore.

[momtara]

It was definitely used for control and guilt with me.  He'd cancel outings and events to get back at me, then tell our marriage therapist, "oh, I canceled because I was sick."  Then I'd look like the unsympathetic wife.  It took our counselor a YEAR to realize this was baloney.

[pari]

After our breakup 3 months back, exBPDbf has mentioned it a few times that I might be Mild Hypochondirc. I didn't take it seriously and now this post makes me wonder if this was his projection on me.

According to him, I am always sick which is a turn off.  I accept that I have low immunity and have cold, cough fever few times in a year. Even as a child, I would catch viruses easily. Another reason for my health condition is the city I live in. It is ripe for viruses.  I had a prologue urinary infection for about 6 months just before our breakup. I believe it was the actual reason for the breakup because the infection kept coming back in some way or the other (bacterial, yeast, viral, allergic). I was on antibiotics for 6 months which left me physically weak. I often complained of fatigue and sickness began to take a toll on my mental health as well. I couldn't take care of him like in past. We couldn't share intimacy like in past due to my condition. XBPDbf couldn't deal with my sickness (he even yelled at doctor   once) and it triggered abandonment issues in him. During this phase, constant arguments, recycling, projections left me emotionally weak. After we broke up, my infection is gone. My doctor and I keep wondering what was the actual reason for the infection.   

About him, he had constant complains of backache, tiredness and poor sleep. Reason was me.  While Sleeping with me, he would sleep in uncomfortable position to be close to me which caused backache.   We consulted doctors, got MRI and other scans done. Nothing came out in reports. Food poisoning was another regular story, once in a month. He would love to eat out, which is not recommended and would fall sick. I have taken him to hospital so many times in emergency. Because he lives in the same city as me, cold and cough are constant problems too.

I understand projection much better now. 

[GreenMango]

Whew... .what didn't he think he had

Diabetes

Fibromyalgia

Restless leg syndrome

Mono

Insomnia

Hypoglycemia

Anxiety

Depression

Add

Adhd

Ulcer

STIs - any zit was a herpe

Some kind of gastrointestinal dysfunction

Some kind of hormonal imbalance

A thyroid disorder

His fathers undiagnosed mental illness

Yes something was not right.  And I'm not a doctor but with that laundry list I'd imagine the task of identifying the real issue would be hard.

Do you think such hypochondria can meet the criteria for the last DSM-IV symptom "Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms." Is hypochondria triggered by stress a form of transient paranoid ideation?

When I saw that paranoia is was mainly relegated to people out to get him or a deep fear people had something on him and a belief that some how he could exact revenge on people who hurt him by putting the voodoo out on people with his thoughts.  Good god as I wrote that I realize how crazy that sounds. 


Umbrella I know you want an explanation.  It would help right?  Are you trying to figure out if it was BPD or trying to recall situations that might BPD related?

[TheGrownUp]

It was definitely used for control and guilt with me.  He'd cancel outings and events to get back at me, then tell our marriage therapist, "oh, I canceled because I was sick."  Then I'd look like the unsympathetic wife.  It took our counselor a YEAR to realize this was baloney.

I have been amazed how my high functioning exBPDgf was able to manipulate therapists and everyone else, hell for 10 years I thought it was all my fault! Looking back some of instances were quite funny, we once spent a 50 minute therapy appointment discussing how I had tampered with our mail by placing it upside down on the kitchen counter... .she finally frustrated me into an argument and another session of therapy ended with no progress. I'm a smart guy, I do a responsible "C" level job and I'm very successful but I do not have the skills to take her on in the manipulation stakes so now I don't try and put things right. We'll be apart for good soon and although it's going to cost me a lot of money due to her lying and cheating it's going to enable me to be truly happy for the first time in 11 years.

Incidentally on the hypochondria front she has sick most days, never anything major but always tired, lots of headaches etc I think it's just a technique to allow her to withdraw.

Good luck MomTara

[mary_sunshine]

My UBPD ex-so was very dramatic about the slightest ailments, yet he did have serious chronic pain which he was able to deal with but always used as the reason he could not be physically intimate or even to isolate himself and not talk to me, because he was feeling so bad. But he could be equally sidelined by a paper cut. Everything was exaggerated, and he acted like anything that happened to him was unique and no one else could ever feel so bad. Once I had a horrible chest cold and I couldn't even talk for a couple of weeks. When he got the same thing (much less severe) he had to see a doctor immediately because it was probably life threatening. He would tell me how bad it hurt to talk, as if I hadn't just been without a voice-- as if I couldn't possibly understand the discomfort he was experiencing. Everything with him was bigger, worse, more serious and more difficult than anything I could have ever gone through.