She's back in DBT..& back to me

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

About a week ago I was out with some friends and received a call from my exBPDgf, but I didn't answer.  I let it go to voicemail.  It took everything inside of me not to listen to that voice message, but once I finally did, it was her saying generally that she would hate for me to go through life feeling unloved by her.  The way we left it, I questioned if she had ever truly loved me, between the infidelity, lies, black/white, etc.  The voicemail basically said that if nothing else, she wanted me to know she did love me, and still does.

She called again a couple of days ago, and in a weak state, I answered.  We spoke at length about things.  She has been back in DBT for about a month know, and I can tell by the way she was speaking over the phone, that she is practicing her skills.  I told her I was happy to hear she was back in DBT, and she immediately asked if she could come over.  I said no.  She begged and said she needed a hug at least.  I explained that I was not interested in trying this again at the moment.  In fact, I told her point blank that I would not attempt this again for quite some time.  I explained that I really want to see her in DBT consistently for at least a year before I thought we should have any major contact.  When we were together, she dropped out of DBT within the first two months, and admitted to me on the phone that she did that because she found all of her coping and support skills within me, instead of her therapist and group members.  She had always idealized her therapist, and evenutally she felt like her therapist was giving more attention to the other clients, and magically just stopped going.  She transfered her dependency to me.

She also let me know she was taking a few months away across the country in January.  When I expressed my happiness for this opportunity for her, she said she felt like I was pushing her away and I didn't care if I never saw her again.  In reality, I just want her to be healthy and happy and I think she will find that in this opportunity. 

I guess I'm looking for some feedback on this situation, particularly regarding her involvement in DBT.  During our relationship, she was in DBT for just a short amount of time, but she did really well with it.  I watched her cope through anxiety attacks, and she never had any kind of outburst while going.  Once she quit, she started finding validation in inappropriate sources, which lead to her infidelity.  She aslo got rageful and eventually physical with me.  I don't believe DBT is a "cure", but i believe it is a great form of maintenance for pwBPD.  I don't know if I believe a BPD relationship can really flourish without the pwBPD being consistent with DBT.  So, what are your experiences with your BPD loved ones who go in and out of DBT?  Do they ever stick to it?  Does it help?  Do they change patterns of destruction?  I mean, I know that relationships will always have ups and downs, but for a pwBPD, can they conquer those moments without hurting their significant other if they are not in DBT?

[Morrison11]

About a week ago I was out with some friends and received a call from my exBPDgf, but I didn't answer.  I let it go to voicemail.  It took everything inside of me not to listen to that voice message, but once I finally did, it was her saying generally that she would hate for me to go through life feeling unloved by her.  The way we left it, I questioned if she had ever truly loved me, between the infidelity, lies, black/white, etc.  The voicemail basically said that if nothing else, she wanted me to know she did love me, and still does.

She called again a couple of days ago, and in a weak state, I answered.  We spoke at length about things.  She has been back in DBT for about a month know, and I can tell by the way she was speaking over the phone, that she is practicing her skills.  I told her I was happy to hear she was back in DBT, and she immediately asked if she could come over.  I said no.  She begged and said she needed a hug at least.  I explained that I was not interested in trying this again at the moment.  In fact, I told her point blank that I would not attempt this again for quite some time.  I explained that I really want to see her in DBT consistently for at least a year before I thought we should have any major contact.  When we were together, she dropped out of DBT within the first two months, and admitted to me on the phone that she did that because she found all of her coping and support skills within me, instead of her therapist and group members.  She had always idealized her therapist, and evenutally she felt like her therapist was giving more attention to the other clients, and magically just stopped going.  She transfered her dependency to me.

She also let me know she was taking a few months away across the country in January.  When I expressed my happiness for this opportunity for her, she said she felt like I was pushing her away and I didn't care if I never saw her again.  In reality, I just want her to be healthy and happy and I think she will find that in this opportunity. 

I guess I'm looking for some feedback on this situation, particularly regarding her involvement in DBT.  During our relationship, she was in DBT for just a short amount of time, but she did really well with it.  I watched her cope through anxiety attacks, and she never had any kind of outburst while going.  Once she quit, she started finding validation in inappropriate sources, which lead to her infidelity.  She aslo got rageful and eventually physical with me.  I don't believe DBT is a "cure", but i believe it is a great form of maintenance for pwBPD.  I don't know if I believe a BPD relationship can really flourish without the pwBPD being consistent with DBT.  So, what are your experiences with your BPD loved ones who go in and out of DBT?  Do they ever stick to it?  Does it help?  Do they change patterns of destruction?  I mean, I know that relationships will always have ups and downs, but for a pwBPD, can they conquer those moments without hurting their significant other if they are not in DBT?

[GreenMango]

I don't have direct experience with dbt - just getting to the door of cc therapy then having the person back out and then trying again to back out again.  But like any recovery it takes commitment and changing things.  The first year is supposed to be the proving ground.

The staying board has a thread recently about what dbt works best on - the real detrimental struggles - physical abuse, rage, drugs, self harming.  The more nuances behaviors, like attention seeking, the intimacy push pull, etc didn't seem to respond as well and seemed to continue on maybe not as in your face.

I think giving her the opportunity to stabilize and let those things she's learning become habit for a year is a good thing.  For both of you.

I also think its astute to see how when the dbt gets tough - she leaves.  It seems like she's there now again, surprisingly or not.

I also think you sound like you've got your head on shoulders and know what you need to do for you to be healthy.

Ps it would pull at me too.  Good to see you are using a wisemind.

[pallavirajsinghani]

I am awfully tired and sleepy so please forgive me for being brief:

I would encourage you to read the thread of "Steph".  Her husband went through DBT for years.  It took years for his brain patterns to change.  So it appears to me that the DBT skills in the beginning have to be practiced consciously and deliberately and after several years of consistent practice, the brain patterns actually begin to change.  Thus reducing the need for deliberate exercising of skills.

And yes, I came to the same conclusion as yourself:  that DBT is a management tool, not necessarily a "cure".

I also agree with your decision not to get reengaged.  By allowing her to grow and mature with the help of appropriate personnel (the clinicians), you are actually choosing the most merciful and the kindest course... .merciful and kindest for her.  She had a setback in her road to wellness when she transferred her dependency onto you previously.  The chances of this happening again are virtually 100%.  The chances of your desire to "rescue" her are also virtually 100% possible... .it is a siren's song indeed... .to be a white knight.

So for her benefit and yours, please stay LC.

God bless... .and Good night.