Need some advice

[lostandunsure]

Last night my wife had an emotional dysregulation event... .It wasn't the worst, but I also was super tired and didn't maintain control over my emotions like I should have.

We had had a long day, she hadn't slept well the night before, and we went to a puppy class that turned out to be very triggering for her and she wasn't able to participate very well... .also very triggering... .By this time we were both emotionally drained and very tired.

She said she wanted to take a shower before going to bed and asked if I would feed our other dog, (we have two, one was in the class which is to teach our puppy to be calmer as she has emotional issues herself). Anyway, due to the way our house is set up, the dog which needed to eat was kept upstairs with me. She, the dog, didn't like this and wasn't about to eat... .So I didn't see the point in leaving food down for her and figured we could feed her when my wife was done with her shower. And so I went to relax in my office. My wife came upstairs and found that I hadn't fed the dog. Before I finished my sentence, she turned around and walked away... .I could hear her mumbling to herself in the kitchen that I couldn't do the "ONE THING" that she asked me to do (mind you the day had been spent doing things she had asked me to do, including managing the difficult puppy in a long class).

In my defence, I was tired and the class with the Dog and trying to work with my wife during the class had already been emotionally draining, I was spent. This new little dig was too much. I tried to be calm, but I went to the kitchen and said something to the effect of "I really don't think I deserved that." To which she looked as though she didn't know what I was talking about... .Which started the back and forth: me - "It felt to me like you left in a huff and I was still talking"... .Her - "Well, you just came in here and started attacking me, you could have asked what the problem" (OK, that's fair, but I could also tell that that would have just gotten us to the "You didn't do the ONE THING I asked you to do" argument and I really wasn't in any hurry to get there.) Back and forth we went... .I did apologize for not at least putting the food down and trying to get her to eat, but I really think that didn't warrant this whole argument... .Meanwhile, I'm trying without success to get under control and to not be defensive. I don't remember exactly how things calmed down enough that I though that things would be somewhat OK, and she went to finish getting ready for bed... .when she said "Oh... .Do I have permission to leave? I don't want you thinking I'm leaving in a huff!" I was tired, I was already hurt and this was just the final straw. I said, "I'm not your parent, I don't boss you around and that really hurt." and then I left the room for my office where I tried to keep from crying.

I should mention here that due to some sleep issues that she has, we have separate bedrooms, which actually works very well for us.

By the time I had managed to collect myself and I felt like I wasn't going to have a complete breakdown, she had gone to bed and had closed her door... .I couldn't sleep, the dogs, which are very attached to her since she's home all day, didn't know what to do and also didn't sleep very well all night.

So, today, I'm sleep deprived and still trying to hold things together. The only communication she's had with me was an e-mail sent late last night saying that she was sorry for ruining the evening, adding that she loved me. I responded early this morning that I was at fault too as I didn't have a good handle on my emotion, that I was sorry for my part and that I love her too and that I hope she has a good day regardless. I later texted her to let her know I was at the office, which I do every day as I know she appreciates knowing that I got to work safe.

She hasn't said anything to me since the e-mail last night. I don't know if I should e-mail again? If I should ask how she's doing? I don't know what to do at this point. I'm sure we'll talk when I get home, and she's supposed to go to a NAMI Peer to Peer group class that deals with mental health issues, but I don't know if she's going or not (it's been very triggering lately, and I'm no longer sure if it's a good idea, not because it's a bad class, but because the teachers aren't doing a good job).

If you have any thoughts, let me know... .I guess I should have posted this earlier, but I just wasn't up for it, it's been hard enough staying focused enough for my job.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[committed]

Sounds to me like the argument has resolved itself. I'd drop it and not say another thing about it unless she brings it up. The argument sounds to me like a typical argument in any relationship/marriage.  To be honest, I probably would have responded in the exact same way as your wife did if I had asked my BF to help with a chore and he didn't do it and instead was relaxing in his office.

[SeekerofTruth]

Hi,

For the most part i have gravitated to the leaving/divorcing board as we are separated and divorce papers have been filed, yet we are meeting tonight and the possibility of a renewal lingers in the heart.

However, i did read your post and KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN.  EXACTLY!  Been thru so many of the same invalidating erosion of sense of self circular and unnecessary agruments in which a mole hill ('no worries' - adaptive accepting response) escalates into a pile of unresloved and lingering "misunderstandings" met with the mumbling, the simmering, the passive-aggressive stuff, the insults, put downs etc the back and forth mind numbing she said you said dynamic.

It seems to me, had you just had the luck of seeing her first and having the opportunity to say "oh hey honey, i decided to wait till u were out of the shower to feed the dog for this and that reason and then i was hoping we could get it on... .whatyada say?" is met with a " oh sure that's sounds great" fantasy  or a "grrr, well i'm kinda steamed cus i though you'd have her fed already" mild conflit resolution opportunity.

our puppy to be calmer as she has emotional issues herself). Anyway, due to the way our house is set up, the dog which needed to eat was kept upstairs with me. She, the dog, didn't like this and wasn't about to eat... .So I didn't see the point in leaving food down for her and figured we could feed her when my wife was done with her shower. And so I went to relax in my office. 

Just the idea of your inner thought process being at least heard and expressed WITHOUT the bruhaha and even more imporantly your ability to "relax" before bedtime with respect to modifying your rationale as appropriate and flexible as it was... .just turns into the the roller coaster of trying to manage the BPD relationship and being put on the spot... .it just sounds so one way, unempathic and invalidating. while the emotional turns run circles inside your heart.

It does not sound to me like you were being passive-aggressive, or not following-thru on your intention... .but were really looking to be a team player, wanting to feed the dog, then thinking it thru a bit , and realizing that both YOU AND THE DOG could have benifiting from being able to wind down from the day and relax.  I totally hear how appropriate your choice to relax and adapt the situation to shaping your night time ritual into something more laid back and harmonious instead of it escalating rapidly and degenerating into another walking on eggshells type of moment that wound up instead messing with both your sleep cycle and the dang dogs. 

And she didn't have to mutter under her breath her all or nothing invalidating devaluing thinking that you couldn't do "ONE THING" blow it out of proportion, instead of cutting you some slack sensing you had a long day, or just coming up to and saying "hey what's up, i thought you said you were gonna feed the dog?" in a s l i g h t l y annoyed voice or something like that.

at least it sounds like the love is there... .

[lostandunsure]

Well... .It turns out there was a lot more going on than I knew... .

It seems that while she was showering she had a major emotional dysregulation event, triggered due to being tired, emotionally drained from the day and other things and ended up crying in the shower.

When I didn't check on her before going to bed myself, she thought I was "through with her and her issues" and didn't want to be with her. To make matters worse, I didn't realize that my text messages didn't go through and she assumed that I wasn't talking to her, just like I assumed she wasn't talking to me... .This triggered a massive abandonment event in her mind, thinking that I didn't want to be with her anymore now that we know that she has an official and firm diagnosis of BPD. To make matters even worse, she watched "Girl Interrupted" which sounds like it does a terrible job with showing BPD... .

It took a lot of reassurance and showing her that I really had sent several text messages to her and that now that we know what the problem is, and we have an idea of why she acts the way she does, on top of the fact that she really is trying to get help and get better, that I'm sticking around and not leaving. Eventually, I got through and she's on her way out of the BPD fog... .But it was a very bad day for her. If she had called or e-mailed I would have known that she hadn't gotten my messages and I would have been able to calm her down, but she was too far gone at that point. I told her, because she felt like she was just being stupid, that BPD had locked her in a closet and turned out the lights, she couldn't see that she had the power to open the door herself... .I think that helped, It helped me anyway.

SeekerofTruth, thanks for your help. It was nice to get some reassurance. We'll be OK, we have a long way to go and she's learning a lot and I'm looking forward to getting her into DBT, which I hope will help her... .We'll just have to see how the next trial goes.

[Rapt Reader]

I told her, because she felt like she was just being stupid, that BPD had locked her in a closet and turned out the lights, she couldn't see that she had the power to open the door herself... .I think that helped, It helped me anyway.

That's really beautiful, lostandunsure. Your wife sounds like she's really trying, and you do, too. I truly hope she gets the DBT help she needs, and that it opens up that door for her.

Thanks for the update... .I wish you both well 

[waverider]

The lesson you learned here is not to get dragged into the nuts and bolts of an argument and trying to fix it with logic based ion what you are being told. The issues run deeper and often they do not understand them. Anything you say just becomes an avenue to project the anger, it all gets sidetracked and off you go.

Best just to back out, the truth may reveal itself, it may not. As long as you are interfering with their self soothing it wont

[lostandunsure]

Thanks for the support... .It really does help. I don't post here very often, not a lot of time, I probably should make some more time for it though. It would probably help me gain some insights that I might not be thinking about.

She really is trying. I can see how difficult it is for her and how hard it is on her when she loses control and can't stop herself. It's because I know she's trying that I think we'll be OK and have a chance at making this work.

And, yes, this was a very good lesson to learn. I'd like to think that if I hadn't been so tired myself that we might have resolved things quicker, but who knows. While it was difficult to go through, especially for her, I think we both learned a few things and we made a few changes that I think will help us going forward.

Thanks again for the support and help.