Not ready for a new relationship -- with my wife

[A Dad]

Over the last few days, I have reached a new realization and conclusion that I am trying to hold on to.

Backstory... discovered that my wife was having an affair, that devastated me, then the devaluation started... that really broke me for a while. A couple of months ago, my wife asked for separation and we agreed to go to marriage counseling to resolve what issues we can. So far, we have been to one MC session, and another two are planned in the next weeks.

My wife's sister came over to help with the children. That finally gave me the space to stop worrying about caring for my wife and just do my own thing and look after myself. A few days ago I reached the following conclusions :-

1. I am so broken and hurt right now because of my wife's infidelity and other negative behavior patterns reinforced during our marriage that I am not ready for a new relationship until I have fixed myself and gotten some therapy

2. Our marriage is so broken right now (for me primarily because of my wife's infidelity) that trying to stay together or get back together will be like starting a new relationship

The above two mean that I can't stay with my wife because I am not ready for a new relationship - with my wife or anyone else.

I need to fix myself, get therapy, rediscover myself and then see what happens - may be we will get back together, may be I will find someone else, maybe I will be happy to be just be with my children for the time being and doing my own thing.

I am trying really hard to hold on to this clarity, and wondering if I should bring this up in the next MC session or wait a bit. And in the meantime hoping that I don't get sucked back in. We had gotten quite detached the last many weeks, but over the last couple of days my wife has been ambivalent again about leaving. I gently explained that we have to separate even if for a while. Treading softly now...  

[Learning_curve74]

Hey adad, I just read your post, sounds like you've come to a tough realization. 

Is your wife diagnosed BPD or undiagnosed? Nobody can tell what will happen, but the anecdotal evidence on the boards seems to show that marriage or couples counseling is sometimes not effective when one partner has BPD. I know my exBPDgf did it with her exes and treated it like a game to get the counselor on "her side."

Are you still living together in the same household? How many and how old are your children?

[A Dad]

Hi, learning_curve.

Yes, indeed. It took a while to get here but once I was able to put two and two together like this, it made sense to my logical mind. My wife decided first that she wants to separate. I was still open to staying together. The last two weeks, her sister came over to help with the care of the children and also to give her (and me) support. That finally freed my mind up to let it go and think about what I need and how I feel instead of being trapped into thinking about how she is feeling and what she will do...

She is undiagnosed. It is possibly, it is not BPD but I am pretty certain she has some kind of PD based on how she has acted in the last few months. I am also exploring how to move from MC to PD diagnosis. I created a separate thread to ask for any tips on how to do that -

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210951

We are still in the same house. As soon as there is enough money to do so, we will both move to separate residences. We have two children, 2 and 4 years old. The current agreement is that they will live with me, but spend time with my wife on a regular basis. We still have to work out the details, but she recognizes that she will not be able to handle them on her own so we are in agreement that they should live with me.

Thanks for reading and replying