Missing the next more than me...

[Confusedandhurt]

Hello Everyone,

I'm struggling with something I ought not to.  My exBPDgf left me via a text message after a 4.5 year relationship.  We've been apart for the past year and I've healed a great deal.  Less than 2 months after she left, she was in a physical relationship with the next guy.  From time to time I run into a couple of her friends, so I've kept up with what my ex has been doing.  I didn't need any intimate details, but I have been very interested in whether the same patterns I saw would repeat with another.  They did to a large extent, but then again, there were a lot of things that were different.  For one, her new relationship was a lot more physical than I had.  Mine was more of a marriage to me.  To me, it was much deeper emotionally and the sex was a more healthy part of a loving relationship.  Since my relationship ended, I've learned how naive I was and how unhealthy she is.

Her new relationship ended four months ago, but she is apparently extremely down about it.  I'm told that she misses him intensely and still hasn't found another replacement yet.  What I'm struggling with is why she seems to miss him so much more than she ever missed me, despite the fact that we were together so much longer.  Could it be that she got over me so much sooner, because she had a new replacement?  Could it be that she missed the new guy so much, because they never got past the clinger phase of their relationship?  I guess I'm struggling with how easy it was for her to move on from her relationship with me, while she seems to have such a hard time moving on from him.

I totally realize that it is not helpful for me to spend time thinking about this.  I have worked very hard to move on myself with the help of this board and my T.  As I've learned more about BPD, I still wonder how she can behave the way she does.  At times, remembering that she is a pwBPD doesn't fully help.  I'd appreciate any thoughts others may have... .Thank you!

[strikeforce]

Most people are left in shock wondering how they can simply move on.

Her latest ex is probably in shock too.

I have learned over the past few months that trying to work out a BPD is pointless.

You would have saved yourself a lot of hurt by not talking to her friends.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

Maybe because the Next was less emotionally-attached and more a sexual thing, perhaps they broke up in such a way that the Next has not been painted black, whereas because your relationship was more emotional you were painted black?

As I understand it, the BPD tends to live so much in the moment, coupled with having the emotional reactions of the small child they are inside, that they do that thing small children do, of instantly blaming everything on the person who makes them feel exposed, or ashamed, or hurt, or defensive, etc.

So if you were painted black, it means you were instantly dismissed as completely bad, and then it's easy to forget and move on to Next.

Maybe the Next just was a different form of intense relationship, and the way they split hasn't (yet... .) involved the Next being painted Black, and so your ex is not over them as quickly?

who knows?


My ex currently has split me black as pitch, but I am trying to regard this as a good thing since it reduces the chances of him trying to make contact.

If it helps, then my understanding of being split black is that, if anything, it's a sign that they cared enough to feel hurt and angry.

I am working not to care either way, but I admit that at present, I do need to believe still that he loves me in his own, limited, inside-outside-upside-down way, and that my replacement means no more to him than I do.

Good luck. Stay strong, keep reading these boards because it helps to see how incredibly predictable the pattern of behaviour is... .

[Century2012]

If I did my math correctly, she was with the new guy for 6 months. That is the fairy dust period for any relationship. (Super sex but not so much real intimacy that can only grow over time.)

I suspect she pines for him because the "reality" and boring (in her mind) stability of a long term relationship has not occurred. BPDs need to feel 'high" to feel good. She is still in that "buzz" phase.

Did he leave her? I am assuming he did since she is pining. And new guy does not want her back. So her pining is not about whether she cared less for you. It is about her being abandoned, which hurts to her core, and the withdrawal of the desperately needed attachment.

[Confusedandhurt]

Strikeforce - I agree.  I'm working to separate myself from her friends and not seek any further information.

Escaped - lots of good points.  It's such a difficult illness to understand.  I'm an engineer and wired to try and understand why things are the way they are.  It can, at times like these, be more of a hinderance than a help... .

Century - I have often tried to tell myself the exact same things.  It's a lot more helpful to hear them from others.  She is definitely someone who needs constant feedback and a "high".  Yes, he did leave her, due to moving to another state for his job.  Interestingly enough, she's now learning that he never cared for her in the way in which she cared for him.  In a way, she's being treated the same way as she treated me when she left me... .

I'm grateful for your help!

[ZigofZag]

If I did my math correctly, she was with the new guy for 6 months. That is the fairy dust period for any relationship. (Super sex but not so much real intimacy that can only grow over time.)

I suspect she pines for him because the "reality" and boring (in her mind) stability of a long term relationship has not occurred. BPDs need to feel 'high" to feel good. She is still in that "buzz" phase.

Did he leave her? I am assuming he did since she is pining. And new guy does not want her back. So her pining is not about whether she cared less for you. It is about her being abandoned, which hurts to her core, and the withdrawal of the desperately needed attachment.

I like the quote function, as I read your post my mind was starting to formulate the reply I would post and then , "hey presto", Century2012 nailed it down here for me! - Yep, you had gone way past the fairy dust, gone into the doldrums and thus become the reason for all her sorrows. The same would have happened to the resent ex. Sounds like they were not so emotionally connected (possibly saw the signs) and got out sharpish. Not nice to think that your long term partner may have been used and dumped but it is the way they live their lives and is nothing to do with you!

[Century2012]

Glad I could be of help.

Another thing to think about. All relationships have a reality check after the "fairy dust" first 6 months. The fact that your exBPD was with you for over 4 years suggests that perhaps on some level there were components of your relationship that were healthy in some ways. Or your insane. ; - )

I am going to go out on a limb here ... .sane people know that with the good comes so not so good. There must have been something special about you that she stayed with you that long. Your pain of having a 4.5 year relationship end doesn't necessarily have to do with her BPD.

I suspect it is a very normal emotion for anyone to experience. "Was I not good enough?" ":)id she love him more than me?" Part of that is your pride.

She loved you enough to stay in a long-term relationship as best she could. So you were special to her. And ... .you are now free to be with someone more stable.