Thoughts

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all

I'm 7 weeks out since exuBP boyfriend verbally abused me, (after my refusal to listen to him denigrating his parents and my close family once again) and slammed the phone down in my ear. That was the last time I spoke to him, and I had simply said I didn't wish to listen to him using such a horrible word in relation to people I knew and cared about.

His response?

"WELL WHAT THE F**K DO YOU WANT THEN, (he called me!), WHY DON'T YOU F**K OFF THEN!" and he hung up. His abuse was snarled and screamed at me.

He has ignored me since that day, (13/8), apart from some lame newspaper clipping he sent which arrived in my mail on the 9/9. There have also been periods where I get hang up calls, (you can't find out their number if they hang up after you answer), the odd prowler outside my window on pertinent dates, and the occasional drive by very early in the morning or very late at nights.

I noticed a pattern with the hang up calls, they would come every 2 weeks, and this took me to thinking that perhaps my instincts about his having had 'new supply' for some time may have been accurate.

Way back in April, he had 'helped out' some female neighbour, (who had been relying on his Father mostly up to that point, for support).

This 'neighbour' arrived down at his parents house in the middle of the night, trying to wake his parents, and help her call the police on her violent boyfriend who was smashing up her Mother's house, where she was living (whilst the Mother was out of town).

Apparently, BP heard her knocking on his parents door, (he slept in an outdoor shed room at elderly parents house) and went to stop her, offering to take her to a pay phone where she could call the police. I got several versions of the story, before the last final one came out in the end.

The last version was that he took her to the pay phone, after he asked her to give him $5 for petrol, (since he had none as usual), they talked for some time, but he didn't say what happened after she used the payphone to call the police. He didn't say how long the whole thing took, what time it all started, and quite frankly, if her boyfriend was being abusive, I couldn't see her returning there until the police arrived, (if they did at all! as they can take hours and more so if the calls from that person have been frequent about the same thing). I know, since I had to call them myself many times, on BP when he was acting out.

The morning after it happened, BP rang me around 9.40 am, his parents were out, (that's when he sneaks in to use their phone), and he seemed angry on the phone, then, he did the whole, "thought I should do the right thing and tell you about the neighbour event", then proceeded to get more and more angry on the phone about it, eventually being verbally abusive to me, and dumping me and hanging up. He rang back, and then said that he was going to have a shower, and had to go to the toilet. He had mentioned that the neighbour was coming back down in the morning to see his Father, (but what he didn't realise was that I later found out the truth that his parents were out until after lunch).

He had made out that his parents had gone to the shop and would likely be back any minute, which was why he wanted to use the shower etc whilst they were out. But again, the real truth was, that they had already gone out, and were not back until around 2 pm.

He later said that the neighbour, (Emma was her name) had come back down and talked to her Father about 10.30 am. This was a lie.

I later spoke with his parents, to ask them who this woman was, and BP's Mother told me that this woman lived up the road, (in a culdesac) and all the neighbours were sick of the fiasco at her house, the police were always there, there were often loud fights and things being smashed, and none of them wanted to be involved in her 'violent relationship dramas'.

What annoyed me the most, was that BP went on about her, that she was younger than us, without children, short, and then launched into how difficult it is not to get 'drawn in'. He used examples of things I had done, to prove his point, (apparently helping out young attractive strangers of the opposite sex as if that had been a habit of mine or something). He admitted that he told her that he knows how hard it is in relationships, after all, his girlfriend 'lives with another bloke" (making it sound like I flat with some single guy!).

The reality? My daughter and son in law to be board with me, (which by the way BP hates this and them).

I was fuming when he told me what he said to her about me, (I'm sure he would have said much much more too and it would all have been designed to paint him in a saintly victim role).

The overall biggest irony is that whilst he was helping her out with her 'violent boyfriend', he was hiding the very obvious fact that he is exactly the same himself! only much much worse!

Later, as time went on, he informed me that his Father had gone to see her, and warn her away from relying on BP for support or even them as his parents, (as BP is in a relationship himself and didn't want to be involved and cause his own relationship (with me!) problems, ( choke!).

One of the most curious factors, is that BP's Mother told me where this neighbour lived, but when I asked BP, I got 2 different answers, he first said she lived 4 houses down, then it was 4 up, when I challenged him, and said I was told she lived in a culdesac up the hill, he denied this and said No that was all wrong.

About a month later, he announced that one night when he was 'parked up and avoiding his oldies' he was in a culdesac up the hill. This rang a bell for me.

Then he announced that the neighbour's Mother had come down and told BP that her daughter (this Emma) had secured a job in a laboratory on a mine site, and would be on a 2 week on, 1 week off roster.

Alarm bells rang for me on hearing this, and I almost felt like BP was trying to make me feel more jealous and insecure about this woman, especially that she was younger than us, without children, (BP was always going on about having no children of his own, and how he couldn't have them with me, and more so since my grown children rejected him) and that she was now working in a laboratory on a mine site. BP is a qualified Metallurgist, (works in labs on mine sites) so her appeal to him, (the money and same career area) was an attraction to her.

I too have worked in laboratories, and looked forward to both BP and myself returning to this high income type of work, so we could pursue all the dreams for travel we both had. BP had not worked in 5 years, and was always using the excuse to me that money wasn't important to him, (I apparently was) and that he could be 'rich' but I was more important to him than money. Yea, I guess that's why he used mine to fund his own lifestyle choices!

After he dumped me for the last time, I found out that he had been telling people that the reason he wasn't working in his profession, is because he 'couldn't trust me'. 

My instinct has always been that he hasn't been honest with me about his seeing other women, and more so after he began telling me about this 'Emma'. So I would take a good guess, that he has managed to suck her in, and she is his new source of supply. The mere fact that his hang up calls happen every 2 weeks, and then stop for a while, only prove it more.

I would love to find out if he was indeed cheating with her whilst he was still with me, because I would serve it on a plate to him and to her... Even if it is over now, and we are not in contact, I would still do this, as after all the crap he put me through, why should he get away with that?

I feel that if I could prove my suspicions/instincts it would help me to close my heart to him forever.

Any thoughts folks?

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

I'm 7 weeks out since exuBP boyfriend verbally abused me, (after my refusal to listen to him denigrating his parents and my close family once again) and slammed the phone down in my ear. That was the last time I spoke to him, and I had simply said I didn't wish to listen to him using such a horrible word in relation to people I knew and cared about.

His response?

"WELL WHAT THE F**K DO YOU WANT THEN, (he called me!), WHY DON'T YOU F**K OFF THEN!" and he hung up. His abuse was snarled and screamed at me.

He has ignored me since that day, (13/8), apart from some lame newspaper clipping he sent which arrived in my mail on the 9/9. There have also been periods where I get hang up calls, (you can't find out their number if they hang up after you answer), the odd prowler outside my window on pertinent dates, and the occasional drive by very early in the morning or very late at nights.

I noticed a pattern with the hang up calls, they would come every 2 weeks, and this took me to thinking that perhaps my instincts about his having had 'new supply' for some time may have been accurate.

Way back in April, he had 'helped out' some female neighbour, (who had been relying on his Father mostly up to that point, for support).

This 'neighbour' arrived down at his parents house in the middle of the night, trying to wake his parents, and help her call the police on her violent boyfriend who was smashing up her Mother's house, where she was living (whilst the Mother was out of town).

Apparently, BP heard her knocking on his parents door, (he slept in an outdoor shed room at elderly parents house) and went to stop her, offering to take her to a pay phone where she could call the police. I got several versions of the story, before the last final one came out in the end.

The last version was that he took her to the pay phone, after he asked her to give him $5 for petrol, (since he had none as usual), they talked for some time, but he didn't say what happened after she used the payphone to call the police. He didn't say how long the whole thing took, what time it all started, and quite frankly, if her boyfriend was being abusive, I couldn't see her returning there until the police arrived, (if they did at all! as they can take hours and more so if the calls from that person have been frequent about the same thing). I know, since I had to call them myself many times, on BP when he was acting out.

The morning after it happened, BP rang me around 9.40 am, his parents were out, (that's when he sneaks in to use their phone), and he seemed angry on the phone, then, he did the whole, "thought I should do the right thing and tell you about the neighbour event", then proceeded to get more and more angry on the phone about it, eventually being verbally abusive to me, and dumping me and hanging up. He rang back, and then said that he was going to have a shower, and had to go to the toilet. He had mentioned that the neighbour was coming back down in the morning to see his Father, (but what he didn't realise was that I later found out the truth that his parents were out until after lunch).

He had made out that his parents had gone to the shop and would likely be back any minute, which was why he wanted to use the shower etc whilst they were out. But again, the real truth was, that they had already gone out, and were not back until around 2 pm.

He later said that the neighbour, (Emma was her name) had come back down and talked to her Father about 10.30 am. This was a lie.

I later spoke with his parents, to ask them who this woman was, and BP's Mother told me that this woman lived up the road, (in a culdesac) and all the neighbours were sick of the fiasco at her house, the police were always there, there were often loud fights and things being smashed, and none of them wanted to be involved in her 'violent relationship dramas'.

What annoyed me the most, was that BP went on about her, that she was younger than us, without children, short, and then launched into how difficult it is not to get 'drawn in'. He used examples of things I had done, to prove his point, (apparently helping out young attractive strangers of the opposite sex as if that had been a habit of mine or something). He admitted that he told her that he knows how hard it is in relationships, after all, his girlfriend 'lives with another bloke" (making it sound like I flat with some single guy!).

The reality? My daughter and son in law to be board with me, (which by the way BP hates this and them).

I was fuming when he told me what he said to her about me, (I'm sure he would have said much much more too and it would all have been designed to paint him in a saintly victim role).

The overall biggest irony is that whilst he was helping her out with her 'violent boyfriend', he was hiding the very obvious fact that he is exactly the same himself! only much much worse!

Later, as time went on, he informed me that his Father had gone to see her, and warn her away from relying on BP for support or even them as his parents, (as BP is in a relationship himself and didn't want to be involved and cause his own relationship (with me!) problems, ( choke!).

One of the most curious factors, is that BP's Mother told me where this neighbour lived, but when I asked BP, I got 2 different answers, he first said she lived 4 houses down, then it was 4 up, when I challenged him, and said I was told she lived in a culdesac up the hill, he denied this and said No that was all wrong.

About a month later, he announced that one night when he was 'parked up and avoiding his oldies' he was in a culdesac up the hill. This rang a bell for me.

Then he announced that the neighbour's Mother had come down and told BP that her daughter (this Emma) had secured a job in a laboratory on a mine site, and would be on a 2 week on, 1 week off roster.

Alarm bells rang for me on hearing this, and I almost felt like BP was trying to make me feel more jealous and insecure about this woman, especially that she was younger than us, without children, (BP was always going on about having no children of his own, and how he couldn't have them with me, and more so since my grown children rejected him) and that she was now working in a laboratory on a mine site. BP is a qualified Metallurgist, (works in labs on mine sites) so her appeal to him, (the money and same career area) was an attraction to her.

I too have worked in laboratories, and looked forward to both BP and myself returning to this high income type of work, so we could pursue all the dreams for travel we both had. BP had not worked in 5 years, and was always using the excuse to me that money wasn't important to him, (I apparently was) and that he could be 'rich' but I was more important to him than money. Yea, I guess that's why he used mine to fund his own lifestyle choices!

After he dumped me for the last time, I found out that he had been telling people that the reason he wasn't working in his profession, is because he 'couldn't trust me'. 

My instinct has always been that he hasn't been honest with me about his seeing other women, and more so after he began telling me about this 'Emma'. So I would take a good guess, that he has managed to suck her in, and she is his new source of supply. The mere fact that his hang up calls happen every 2 weeks, and then stop for a while, only prove it more.

I would love to find out if he was indeed cheating with her whilst he was still with me, because I would serve it on a plate to him and to her... Even if it is over now, and we are not in contact, I would still do this, as after all the crap he put me through, why should he get away with that?

I feel that if I could prove my suspicions/instincts it would help me to close my heart to him forever.

Any thoughts folks?

[Lucky Jim]

Hi RC24, Do you really want to put yourself through all of this drama again?  Why do you need "proof" in order to move on?  Your ideas about revenge, if he cheated, seem misplaced.  Perhaps you could sit with your feelings in order to find out what is really going on inside of you?  Lucky Jim

[Learning_curve74]

Hi rc24. It sounds like you are pretty angry at your exBPDbf for the crap and the lies he was always trying to play you with. Why do you need to "prove" anything? As an outside third party reading your description, I have no hesitation saying I think he is a loser lowlife! And as such, he will always ___ up his own life; he doesn't need any extra help from you trying to get revenge.

I agree with Lucky Jim, what is it that you think is keeping you stuck thinking about him? It sounds like he is an abusive and awful person.

[Grey Kitty]

This is the personal inventory board for examining yourself, not for things related to your exBPDbf.

What is the part of this that you own and want to work on?

[Surnia]

Hi rollercoaster

It may looks like you need more evidence to forget about him... .I see a high risk to be caught again in drama.

What about your self love, self respect? Perhaps you can explore this a bit more here on the PI board.