Crying after Cheating

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I caught my now ex BPD cheating on me while she was on vacation. I found pictures of them in semi intimate poses. He lives overseas. She "assured me" nothing happened. I didn't believe her but let her off the hook. A couple of weeks later I found undeniable proof of a months worth O&G graphic sex chat between them.

I sent an email of her chat to her without comment. She called 20 times before I answered and called her a slut and whore and other things. She said she was coming over. I told her that was not a good idea and that I was done. She came over and I berated her. She cried uncontrollably for two days and repeatedly said she was sorry. She was gagging, begging (pitiful) while crying and wouldn't let me leave her side without freaking out for two days. She is a WAIF and never showed this outward emotion in our previous 3 years together. We stayed together for another month and had tons of great sex but I finally woke up and ended it.

Other threads I have read said the cheater is indifferent or turns it around on the non. She actually asked me to stop torturing her after day three. 

If they feel no empathy why did she cry for so long?  My first thought is she felt like she had crossed the line and knew I was going to leave, and she didn't have a replacement lined up.

Thoughts?

[Waifed]

I caught my now ex BPD cheating on me while she was on vacation. I found pictures of them in semi intimate poses. He lives overseas. She "assured me" nothing happened. I didn't believe her but let her off the hook. A couple of weeks later I found undeniable proof of a months worth O&G graphic sex chat between them.

I sent an email of her chat to her without comment. She called 20 times before I answered and called her a slut and whore and other things. She said she was coming over. I told her that was not a good idea and that I was done. She came over and I berated her. She cried uncontrollably for two days and repeatedly said she was sorry. She was gagging, begging (pitiful) while crying and wouldn't let me leave her side without freaking out for two days. She is a WAIF and never showed this outward emotion in our previous 3 years together. We stayed together for another month and had tons of great sex but I finally woke up and ended it.

Other threads I have read said the cheater is indifferent or turns it around on the non. She actually asked me to stop torturing her after day three. 

If they feel no empathy why did she cry for so long?  My first thought is she felt like she had crossed the line and knew I was going to leave, and she didn't have a replacement lined up.

Thoughts?

[eyvindr]

Hi Waifed,

I found your post interesting, because you described to a tee my ex gf's behavior following all of the major arguments we had, after I'd reached the end of my rope and stood up to her madness.

With my ex, it never involved infidelity -- one of the things that has been hardest for me, in fact, is that she's a really nice person, when she isn't consumed by the BPD, or NPD, or whatever the heck it is. Her worst "offenses" involved lies of omission (about stupid things, really -- like her finances and stuff -- just things that she was embarrassed about), and "spinning" the truth (w/ regard to things like eating crappily, or spending money on her daughter that she couldn't afford). Just wanted to clarify here, because it is important.

What made this hard for me was my feeling that, if she'd just get some quality therapy, and possibly some meds, even short-term, to manage her anxiety and OCD issues -- everything else could fall in line, and we would be able to have mostly good, positive times, with the normal degree of r-ship bumps that all couples occasionally experience. It really feels like I was robbed of a great r-ship with a terrific woman because of this appalling mental disorder.

But -- after hours or days of being harangued for the most maddeningly ridiculous things (like some female work acquaintance posting a winky emoticon on my FB page in response to a silly post, or haranguing me for ignoring her when I went to have dinner with my family, on Christmas eve -- to which she was more than welcome but chose not to -- and I didn't treat the occasion like a fast-food grab 'n go event) -- I'd eventually lose my patience and tell her how it was -- and she'd completely crumble. I realize it's b/c it was only then that she was able to consider that potentially I really wasn't kidding about being unwilling to continue in a relationship, if these types of things were going to continue to ruin our ability to spend time enjoying each other and our r-ship.

So, I'd agree with you -- it's about them feeling the fear that you actually may leave them (in their world, abandon). Not sure about the replacement issue, because I don't really think my ex was like this -- but it does fit with the patterns we read about in the literature and hear others share.

[Waifed]

There is so much I never knew about her after 3 years. It drove me nuts, literally.