I know that I have to learn to live with this. I don't know if I can.

[Window Moth]

Hello,

I am relatively new to this group. Let me introduce myself. I gave birth to my BPD daughter when I was 14, her father was 18. I had a second child to him when I was 16. It was a struggle to raise two children while raising myself. When my daughter was in first grade she pulled all of her eyelashes out. I thought it was just a phase and that she needed time to adjust to a new school building. Her second grade teacher told me, "she's just mean". I never saw it and even if I did, I wouldn't have known what to do about it. In her preteen years, she was left unsupervised a lot because I was a single mother and had no support from her father who has been in and out of jail since the the children were born.

She chatted on line meeting new people this way. Then she learned how to climb out of her bedroom window in the middle of the night. Soon the police were bringing her home. This became a frequent occurrence. I thought about putting bars on her windows and locking her in her room at night. In later teen years, I walked into her room one morning to wake her up for school only to find a boy in her bed as she was already in the shower.

There are too many stories to write about here. The point I'm trying to make is that all this time, I had no idea that my daughter was suffering from a mental disease. I think she was about 17 when two separate therapists said that she had some of the characteristics of BPD but neither of them wanted to diagnose her with it. Now at age 23, a third therapist has told me that they might have been right. She is our family therapist and is trying to help me learn how to cope with my 23 year old BPD daughter.

All this time I thought she was going through adolescent phases. The advice that I sought from other parents and friends turned out to be detrimental.  No one in my family knows that she suffers from this condition. She doesn't even know. This past spring her boyfriend broke up with her and she was taking a hard look at herself. I told her what the therapists said when she was 17 but she didn't believe me. She is a music therapy major at a small private school, so she thinks that she really knows a lot about therapy.

This seems like a lot. I feel all alone. My boyfriend of 4 years doesn't understand and I don't think that he wants to. This is very difficult for me to accept. I always had hope for change before and now I know that I just have to learn how to live with this. I don't know if I can.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Window Moth,

Welcome!   It sounds like you've been through a lot with your daughter, and I know how painful it can be to love someone with BPD. It can feel awfully lonely when you feel like no one understands what you're going through.

What kinds of concerning behaviors are you seeing from your daughter now? How is your relationship with her?

I'm glad that you're getting help for yourself. There are many other parents here who can relate to you, and I think you'll be amazed at how much support  you'll find here. I'd suggest you start here: What can a parent do?.

Welcome again, and please keep posting. It's therapeutic for you and it also helps other parents to know that they're not alone. 

-GG

[lbjnltx]

Hello Windowmoth,

So glad that you decided to post some of your story and reach out to us.  It is a long and difficult road raising a child with BPD.  I have a daughter, 17 (Monday) that was diagnosed at age 12 with "emerging BPD" so I am familiar with the pain and struggles.

Can you tell us, does your daughter live with you?  Do you see each other often?

What particular behaviors that she engages in currently do you find difficult to cope with?

I look forward to getting to know you better and supporting you through this journey.

lbjnltx

[BioAdoptMom3]

My how I can relate to your feelings!  No one knows what it is like to live with a person who has a disorder like this except us!  We are at the opposite end of the spectrum from you - in our 40s when we took in this little abandoned, premature, drug baby from the NICU and adopted her almost 3 years later.  Our problems seemed to start when she was around 11, though we had dealt with a ton of separation anxiety when she was little.  I wish I had a dime for each time another parent or teacher told me this was part of adolescence and typical teen behavior!  I believed it, though I should have realized that normal teen behavior does not involve cutting yourself, binging and purging your food and thinking about suicide!  Mental illness is not discussed in our society very much and doesn't get nearly the attention it should get!  My heart goes out to you as a fellow parent who is in the same boat!    to you!

[crazedncrazymom]

Welcome to BPD Family!  I am so sorry your family is going through this.  I can't even imagine how I'd react if I walked in to wake up my dd and WOAH who is this?  It does seem like a huge mountain to climb doesn't it?  This site has so many wonderful people who know exactly what you're going through.  Check out the tools linked on the left hand side.  They are really helpful and give you a place to start.

However, I have to say what impresses me most about your post is that you had a baby at 14 who has BPD and you managed to raise her to become a music therapist.  That speaks volumes to me about your strength.  You really have done some hard things and come out on top.  It sounds to me like not only do you have to do this but you can do this. 

-crazed

[Window Moth]

Thank you everyone! Especially crazed for recognising my strength.  I often don't give myself any credit. To answer some of your questions, my daughter moved out almost immediately after graduating from high school. She tried to move back in once but I had some rules that she didn't like so she moved in with her boyfriend. She blames me for not providing a stable place for her to live. She is still in college but now lives with a friend of the family. This friend is an older woman who is a social worker.

Currently my daughter has seperated herself from me all together. This has happened before and I know it won't last forever. But she needs my financial help to finish college. She thinks that I should be footing the entire bill and blames my relationship with my boyfriend as the reason that I don't. We have a very emotionally disconnected relationship. But that's not all her fault. My boyfriend will tell you that I am the same with him. I guess I have trouble with intimate relationships because I'm afraid of being hurt. And my daughter knows how to hurt me more than anyone else.

So, she will come around when she needs money for school. But I don't know how to react. I don't want her to keep during me out of her life and then come to me when she needs something. I want to break this cycle. But I don't know how.