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ennie
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« on: October 09, 2013, 10:21:36 AM » |
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So if life was not full enough, I burst my appendix while DH was out of town ten days ago. Crazy. We live far from a hospital, so it was quite an ordeal, and a near death experience. DH arrived home just as I left for the hospital, so he was with me.
The kids were with their BPD mom at the time. After my operation, BPD mom called and wanted to know if she could bring the kids to visit. The last year or so has been mostly her complete anger and meanness to me in public. For the past 6.5 years I have been with DH, BPD mom has been all over the map, from super friendly and loving, to hateful and threatening to kill me, sometimes in the same sentence. But the past few years have gravitated toward general malevolence towards me.
But BPD mom loves her some emergency/crisis, and she called and was very empathetic and loving... .and she loves hospitals. I felt this was a real opportunity to let some love in, partly because it is important to me to be able to hold compassion for her and when all I get is real meanness, it is hard to hold that; partly because the kids have a much easier time when mom can show love to me--when mom is hateful, they are really conflicted and it is very painful for them, especially SD9 who feels like I am her mom, too, in some ways so she feels like she has to throw me under the bus when she is with mom, but then when she is with dad and I, she feels horrible about that and confesses all to me and feels guilty and cries and thinks she is a bad person. Phew. So her getting permission to love me is HUGE. SD13 just hates us at moms, loves us at our house, and does not need the two to make sense together.
So mom came to hospital with the kids, and was really sweet (except for a few zingers she threw out), even giving me time alone with the girls, who were very relived to see me, super loving. Mom also called 2 other times... .very nurturing, etc. She also said something in front of the kids like, "At least you have these two girls who love you to rely on!" which is completely different than her usual story that they hate me and I am mean (they do love me). Which was huge in terms of her giving permission for us to be important to each other.
So that was good.
As far as seeing her, it was good for my compassion meter, too. She is really just so crazy, vulnerable, broken. She spent most of the time telling me about how last winter she had pneumonia and had to be hospitalized and had both kids and had to have someone take them to school and drive herself to and from the hospital. She was homeless at the time, couch-hopping.
And the next day, she was back texting crazy, mean texts to DH saying that it was too chaotic for him to have the kids while I was recouperating, that she should have them fill time for awhile.
But I still feel grateful for the loving part of her. And grateful for the glimpse into her world that is not just hatred for me, but that is just so confusing and dramatic, and vulnerable. And not my problem.
There is also something about her energy that is just so NOT life-affirming---don't want too much of that pill while trying to heal! But all in all, a little reprieve. She will not hold those kind feelings long, but I think it means something to the kids.
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