I Sent a Poem; Not Sure How to Feel

[UmbrellaBoy]

Well, I got really drunk last night out with some of my best friends going back to kindergarten and first grade.

It was a really fun time and a great emotional release, but in my drunkenness I did send the ex a poem I had been working on about him and his BPD traits, basically. (I also facebook-messaged another guy from high school whom I had a crush on and whom we were all talking about in the conversation even though we haven't spoken in like 5 years).

I haven't heard anything. (And the high school guy... .I just blocked him in the morning, ; only for a few months, until things blow over, ).

But from the recent ex... .nothing. It's only been 24 hours of course. And maybe I don't WANT to hear anything. I mean, if he is really intent on dropping me or going forward with his ex/my replacement or whatever, then it would be better not to hear I think.

Plus the poem could be interpreted (though it's highly cryptic) as a bit mean, maybe, so maybe he takes it as a message I don't want to hear from him and maybe that's best.

And yet a part of me, even when I sobered up and it was morning... .sort of hoped it would lead to another recycle. I know, it's shameful, but... .I dunno. I didn't want to send something direct (either mean or conciliatory) for fear of getting hurt, but a poem, I guess, felt like a way to stir the pot or test the waters without making me look like I was committing to any one desired outcome, like I can save face or something if the outcome is negative.

And it was the weekend, maybe the new guy was even in town and he COULDN'T respond with him around. Then again, does a poem demand a response, even? Especially if it could be interpretted as a critique or condemnation? I don't know.

I'm sort of hoping he doesn't respond, and yet part of me wonders what that means if he doesn't too... .

[RecycledNoMore]

Dont lose heart, I did the same thing a few weeks a ago, not a poem, I told him a few home truths from my perspective, and like you, woke up in the morning with mixed feelings, needless to say he replied with projections and insults, what did I expect really, I am painted black as night...

I didnt respond, blocked him again and got on with life, sometimes you just have to expect that there will be hiccups along the road to recovery, pick yourself up dust yourself off and keep going, in the end thats all you can do.

Its ok umbrellaboy, we all have our hiccups 

[Ironmanrises]

Umbrella,

Have you thought of what you would say if he does respond? I ask because you have mentioned you have had previous recycles with him. What would you tell him this time if he does respond(keep in mind, the very fact that you have had multiple previous recycles with him strongly suggest that another recycle is/very likely)? The behavior doesn't change. Your ex is still disordered. I can understand why you sent the poem. Know we are here for you Umbrella. We walk with you. Hang in there.

[UmbrellaBoy]

Thanks, Ironman.

I guess how I'd respond depends on how he responds. If he's mean, I probably just ignore it and just go back to total silence.

If it's somehow positive or something... .I don't know. That's the hard part. I want to say I won't get reeled in without him agreeing to therapy (more than that, even) but I just don't know.

I felt like this time was different, in spite of past recycles and the fact that his patterns never really changed. I felt like, this time, he had a sort of total collapse of faith or the ability to love, like he had been trying to sustain coherence for a long time but finally gave up in exhaustion and just surrendered to his fragmentation. That was scary, I had never quite seen that before, it was something new, something different (though, really, in another sense, just "more of the same," just the logical conclusion of the patterns he had been showing for so long).

So I don't know. But I'm a bit worried.

[patientandclear]

Umbrella,

My impression is that you do not feel not finished with this man and feel a pull to try again with him.

If so, a thought.

You've shared your long text exchange with him in which you tell him what you think of aspects of his intimacy patterns, and now this poem which is partly about his BPD traits.

I feel like you are where I was shortly after I made contact with my ex as a friend after a long period of NC: I felt all informed about his situation and I wanted to help him and share my insights.  At some level.  I wanted to show that I really understood him.

I've learned so much since, partly from his reactions, partly from reading on here, partly from reading that book by Amador about "I'm Not Sick" (about how to deal with people with mental illness who are in partial or complete denial about it).  The main point being: people don't want to be told that they have something wrong with them.  And, functioning as someone's lay therapist isn't the foundation for a loving, equal partnership.  It puts one partner (us) in a condescending, all-knowing role, and the other (the pwBPD) in a one-down role, what MaybeSo calls that of the "identified patient."

My ex really, really resists all my fabulous insights about what is wrong with him.  According to him, all is fine.  Deep down, actually, I think he suspects to the contrary, but the only time he can share that with me is when I am very very far from advising him about his flaws.

Not only did he reject what I offered in terms of insight, but it really skewed our r/s for a while to a point where he resented me for trying to save or change him.  After a while, I realized I was being patronizing and assuming to myself a role I really didn't want.  I wanted to be his friend or lover not with a mantle of trying to fix or change him.  Things have been a lot more solid & trusting between us since then.

I am no longer trying to sway him, to get him to have insight about anything in particular or to get him to make changes.  I am keeping him company as he takes his chosen course through life.  At present that precludes anything other than a friendship, because of the choices he's made.

I worry that you are trying to get back with this man under the mantle of trying to help him understand himself.  I bet your insights are fantastic, but I'm equally sure that he doesn't want to be told what he's like by a lover or ex-lover.  You can use those insights yourself in dealing with him, but that's different than teaching him about himself.  Unsolicited.  Does that make sense?

[UmbrellaBoy]

Yes, I do know what you mean. I think that's good advice.

In fact, that was always the same Catch-22 I found myself in. His disordered processing would threaten our relationship, but then if I addressed "the process instead of the content" and tried to deconstruct what he was doing or make it clear that I was aware and wasn't just going to "play along" with arguing according to his internal logic (but rather would make the meta-analysis explicit, in which it was clearly dysfunctional)... .then he'd get upset as if I wasn't playing fair just because I refused to suspend my disbelief and act according to some inter-personal naivete that I just simply didn't have. Like I wasn't supposed to "break the fourth wall" or something like that. Like I was supposed to be a character WITHIN some sort of "Games People Play" drama, fulfilling my role in the skit, and wasn't supposed to expose and question flaws in the scripts themselves. Well... .but I DID see what I saw, I DID notice the patterns that I noticed, I WAS aware of the flaws in the scripts... .so how was I supposed to just ignore all that and not address it when our relationship was being threatened by it?

Is there a way to disrupt such "script flaws" that one sees WITHOUT directly calling out the other person on it? A way to refuse to play along without explicitly saying "This is a play, and I refuse to be in it."

Heck, who knows, maybe if I had just played by the inner rules of his game and addressed the content instead of the process, had just played my part in the drama in a docile fashion... .he would have been fine with that (it's what the ex/replacement seems to do) and it wouldn't even have really been a threat at all (just a fake threat, within the cycle of the drama). But that would have just mean coddling delusion... .

Well, but I knew it was a problem. He made it clear that he didn't like someone being a savior or judge or therapist, thought that was imbalanced. And that's right! It is! He actually wrote ME a cryptic poem once about how, essentially, he knew he was messed up but couldn't solve it by putting someone else (me; but by extension a real therapist?) on the "throne of his soul." But that's what made it especially unfair to put me in a position of either acting that way (damned if I do), or having to pretend like I didn't have that insight and not being able to confront him about it in which case it would have meant letting him walk all over me and maybe end the relationship on account of that disordered crap anyway (damned if don't).

I felt like, at a certain point, if the INternal disorder of another country is indeed threatening a neighboring country... .then the neighboring country does have the right to step in and assert its power over the disordered situation internal to the other country, because of how the effects are spilling over and threatening the other country. The goal isn't conquest. It is not to take over the other country or set oneself on its throne permanently. The goal is, really, to go in, take over only for a while to stabilize things, and then put their king back on his rightful throne and then pull out and be allies. (Though, recent political situations of the US in the Middle East show how this theory is easier said than actually accomplished).

Well, maybe there was no way out of that once I did have the awareness. The poem I sent was highly cryptic, though, I'm not sure he'll see it as a "Look, I have insight" move except I think maybe his subconscious would pick up on it... .

[UmbrellaBoy]

I ordered the "I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help" book by Amador and look forward to reading it. I'm also watching a video of him talking and reading some articles. I think it really addresses the conundrum many of us find ourselves in. Thanks for the tip!

[Learning_curve74]

Hi UmbrellaBoy, I would suggest that you also check out this discussion topic on boundaries and our values: Boundaries: upholding our values and independence. You might not see this as directly pertinent to the subject at hand, but it actually is and is quite important in handling all our interpersonal relationships. Best wishes to you.