rollercoaster24
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Living apart six months
Posts: 362
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« on: December 10, 2013, 11:59:32 PM » |
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Hi all
I haven't been on the boards in a while, but in the last week have browsed from time to time, due to the fact that exBP has been back in my life almost 2 weeks now, after a break of 4 months, (his doing and it was horrible).
We met late January 2010, and were friends for several months before becoming properly involved, I have worked full time the whole time and he has been unemployed almost 6 years now, (2 before he met me).
I have 2 older children from my first serious relationship, (now 23 and 20) and BP has no children at all, (this has been a stumbling block many times).
For the first 2 years BP lived at mine off and on, for free. In that I mean I never asked him for rent/board, utilities or anything. He would help out around the house and occasionally buy groceries, fix my car, or help at my workplaces, (I worked alone, but since July I have been self employed). The way I saw it, we were supposed to help each other, even though I knew the scales were always tilted strongly on my side being more supportive and throughout his abuse as well.
During the times he was good, he was really good, loving, funny and we got on well, but every week he would use some aspect of my life that he wasn't happy about, to attack and accuse me. Generally I would get a couple of good days, (perhaps 3-4) and the rest of the week he was a huge pain in the butt.
His behaviour when he was 'upset and hurt' as he likes to call it, was atrocious to me. Verbal blasts that would go on for hours, escalating to physical violence at times when he would refuse to take time out to calm down by leaving.
Sometimes I would leave my own house with him in it, but since he is not trustworthy when he isn't thinking straight, I didn't feel comfortable with this.
He subjected me to every form of abuse you can name, and most times I could not escape easily, he would trap me in my house, blocking my car, or trapping me in his car, or stealing my keys or some other such trick. I would end up fighting back for my own rights as a human being, (sleep, peace etc) and it wasn't pleasant as you can imagine.
Through it all, the anger, pain, frustration, hurt, broken promises, hearts, incredible stress, I always knew that I loved him very deeply, more than any other partner I had ever had in my life, which made it all the more harder to let him go.
The final straw to him living at mine, was when he began to instigate physical confrontations with my family, (my daughter and her fiancé' board with me.
Before my daughters fiancé moved in, BP's behaviour was much worse, and he knew he could get away with it, since there were only 2 women here, who couldn't cope with his aggression tactics. Once my future son in law moved in, BP found a new target to vent his hatred/projections onto.
He still sees my son in law as the reason he and I no longer live together, and all he ever does is vent at me about the young man. I don't entirely agree with everything BP rants about, (as obviously I know the truth behind the accusations/concerns BP has). Most of the time, I just listen, and try to detach, but after several weeks of hearing the same thing, (and believe me I have heard enough of his deluded opinions and concerns over the past few years) I cannot take it any more.
The way I look at it, you cannot change other people and what they do, you can only change yourself and your own life. To rant on and on about the same old crap, without growing and moving on, is such a huge waste of life and emotion. What I try and do, is just tell BP that I am no longer going to participate in the conversation, not because I am angry, mainly because I see no sense in rambling on about the same old crap over and over again.
My attitude is grieve what you cannot change or control, but that has hurt you (life, fate, death whatever), fix what you can, and if you can't, at least you tried, but let it go, and move on with your own happiness/life.
Wow, it is so easy to apply this philosophy to all others in my life, except BP.
So, now that he has come back into my life, with much apology and acceptance that his behaviour has been wrong and very damaging to me, I have told him that I accept that he will not attend counselling with me, I have accepted that he will not accept that he needs help, and I have admitted that I will no longer mention any of this stuff.
I will however put strategies in place that will save our relationship from ever falling down the same path, and that he must try to stop putting so much pressure on me in general. If he wants me to ease up pressure on him to do the things I want, then he needs to accept the same from me.
I have said that I wish to stop conversations that escalate when either he or I are upset about things, that I respect his concerns for me, and I respect his opinions, but that I don't agree with everything he says, but that doesn't mean I am not supportive in general of him.
Last night I didn't do so well with his ranting on, mostly because I was at work, and wanted to get the job finished, (because he was upset yet again, I had to leave the rest until early this morning). My job is important, and my needing to complete it, doesn't mean he is any less important. I just said I refused to listen to him ranting on about the same old crap when nothing gets resolved anyway.
I have explained that ranting on like that, and firing accusations at me, does nothing for our relationship, and I will call time on him doing this, because I wish to move on. I acknowledged his feeling upset, and I acknowledged his concerns, but I told him he has to move on himself, from obsessing over my son in laws/daugthers spending habits.
I also remind him from time to time that I have voiced my concerns with my daughter and her partner, and we have talked this all out on many occasions. I have told them not to take me for granted financially, and to try and save themselves instead of spending all the time, just like I am trying to do myself.
I explained that I am not entirely happy with everything the young man has done either, (which I am aware is a two way street) but I can only control myself and lead by example, some of which has rubbed off in a positive way, (and they to me as well).
I never imagine for a second, that because someone is younger than me, that they know less than I do, or are more immature, however BP finds this hard to accept.
He has these strict rules for how others should be behaving, based on how he lived when he was the same age, and he just wont let up on it. So now, I have given up trying to curb his obsession/frustration/rage/rants. I simply refuse to take part in them, and withdraw before things get too heated.
I have told him that I will not accept his violent methods of getting his own way, and there will be consequences for his actions if he does anything like that again to me. I have vowed that I will call time out on our discussions if he gets too upset at me in future, because I do not want to retaliate and say hurtful things back.
Last night I failed somewhat, and sent him some messages, not abusive, but pretty direct, and this morning I set off on a walk after my morning shift, not five minutes away from the end of my walk, there he was driving around looking for me again.
I walked up to his car, and apologised to him for getting upset and sending messages after he got upset at me. We went for a drive together to sit in the shade somewhere, and it was lovely. After which, we had takeaway coffees and a swim which was beautiful.
I was pleased he hadn't left, although I am not sure if I can handle his moods at times, I know I am trying way harder to do the right thing by us.
Thanks for listening.
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