New Here...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Well hello. I read in the intro thing that this should be a brief overview of my situation. I'm about to turn 28, and I've been dealing with my BPD mother for my entire life.

As far back as I can remember, I've had to sacrifice everything to make her happy, but nothing seems to make her happy. Through the years I've developed courage to tell her I don't want to be in her church anymore, but she still manages to drain me entirely.

Recently I found out she refers to me as "not the prettiest" behind my back, which suddenly made sense of my self esteem issues throughout my life, as well as my recent realization that my husband is almost exactly like her, what in that I sacrifice for his happiness as well, and I'm beginning to realize I don't want to sacrifice for thankless people anymore. I want to break free but I don't know how.

I have 2 older sisters, and an older brother. Before I was born, my brother had all the responsibility, and since I was born it's all been on me. I've been trying to unsuccessfully transfer it to my sister the last few months but I don't feel like that's right. I don't know what else to do though...

[uniquerainbow]

Well hello. I read in the intro thing that this should be a brief overview of my situation. I'm about to turn 28, and I've been dealing with my BPD mother for my entire life.

As far back as I can remember, I've had to sacrifice everything to make her happy, but nothing seems to make her happy. Through the years I've developed courage to tell her I don't want to be in her church anymore, but she still manages to drain me entirely.

Recently I found out she refers to me as "not the prettiest" behind my back, which suddenly made sense of my self esteem issues throughout my life, as well as my recent realization that my husband is almost exactly like her, what in that I sacrifice for his happiness as well, and I'm beginning to realize I don't want to sacrifice for thankless people anymore. I want to break free but I don't know how.

I have 2 older sisters, and an older brother. Before I was born, my brother had all the responsibility, and since I was born it's all been on me. I've been trying to unsuccessfully transfer it to my sister the last few months but I don't feel like that's right. I don't know what else to do though...

[GeekyGirl]

Hi uniquerainbow,

Welcome!   Having a mother with BPD can be challenging. My mother has BPD too. I know that feeling that you can't make her happy, and that can be quite frustrating. Many children of BPD parents struggle with low self-esteem and put their own happiness as a lower priority than others' happiness.

You mentioned that your husband is like your mother. What similarities do you see in them? How are they different?

There are some great tools here to help you work on yourself. You'll also find that there are many members here who understand what you're feeling.

Keep posting, and I look forward to seeing you around here.

-GG

[zone out]

Hi Uniquerainbow

I just want to join GeekyGirl in welcoming you to BPD family.  You will find a lot of support and information on this site - when I joined I found it such a comfort to know that I was not alone (my mother is uBPD).  This can be a challenging condition to deal with but you can learn ways to protect yourself, I found the following link very useful - it made me understand that it is OK to set boundaries

Boundaries Tools of Respect

Take some time to look around the site - read lots of posts and when there is something specific you want help and advice on, start another thread.  Lots of us members have very similar experiences - keep posting and let us know how things are going.   

[Drained Daughter]

UniqueRainbow,

Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear about your situation and your distress.  Having a BPD parent is bad enough, but dealing with it in a spouse/partner is awful.  If your H really is BPD I would encourage you to examine whether that relationship is serving you (or draining you too).

One thing I wanted to say to you, is that you have a RIGHT to step back and disengage from your mother, regardless of how it affects anyone else.  It is your duty to protect your own well being.  You didn't break your mom and you can't fix her.

Like you, I've worried about how stepping back from my mom would trickle down to my sibling.  But honestly, it is each person's own duty to deal with their relationships with your crazy mom.  It isn't your job to either 1) find someone to replace the role you were playing for your mom or 2) take one for the team, by staying enmeshed and serving as your mother's target.

I'd encourage you to read about "enmeshment" and "setting boundaries" on this site.  Then try to figure out what YOU actually WANT to do, without worrying how other people will react.  If what you want is to let go of the burden/responsibility you have been carrying for your mother, you really can just step back and do less.  Your mom may rage about it, but the world will not stop turning (even though I know that it can feel like it will when you've grown up in a BPD family)     and