13 year old daughter with BPD traits

[Eric367]

Hello, I am back on this board after a long absence.

I finally left my ex-BPDw in February of this year. I have joint custody 50-50% of the time. I have three kids, 2 boys aged 8 and 9, and a 13 yr old daughter. The boys adjusted well to the transition, but my daughter is not.

Although I can see that she has normal teenager's behaviors, and I can also see that she has traits very similar to her mother, which makes dealing with her very unpleasant. She is clearly trying to use guilt to get what she wants, as well as being verbally angry, or she will go into a muted mode for a day or two. She is very much projecting some ideas that are much older than her age (calling people passive-aggressive, something her mom does often). She is not willing to take responsibility for her actions, even if it is plainly her doing. Any attempt to have a calm conversation to try encouraging her to see things somewhat differently turns into an argument. Any idea of seeing a mental professional is received with outrage.

This long weekend she stayed most of it with her mother, while I had the boys. I must admit, quite candidly, that I had a great time with the boys, and I did not miss her that much. It is not good, but I am honest here.

I am aware that she needs help (professional help), and that to send her to be full-time with her mother will makes things much worse over time (and she will feel deeply rejected). Obviously, her mother can help here either unless she also acknowledge her own BPD, which is not likely to happen, ever. To get professional that might work, my daughter has to be willing at least to try it. I feel really stuck.

I am not sure what to do anymore. I need to get some strategy to see clearly and to stay resilient. Any suggestion would be appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Eric

I am sorry you are going through all this. Your daughter is at a difficult age so throw in a divorce and that is the prefect storm.

I would focus less on casting blame or trying to get her to see her wrongs   Have you consider seeing a counselor together so you can try and mend your relationship? That is where I would start. Looking for change on only one side is not going to help improve your situation. A therapist to help you two together I think is a way to help find a line of communication.

[lbjnltx]

Hi Eric367

Sorry to hear that your d13 is not coping well with these changes in her life.  It is understandable that she would be angry, right?

In our desire to help our children we often begin at the opposite end of the problem... .trying to make them change.  What your d13 needs is to be heard, understood, and accepted.

Have you looked at the Lessons?  What Can a Parent Do?

There is some good info on understanding BPD in adolescents.  My d was diagnosed with "emerging BPD" at age 12. 

We are here to help you navigate and explore the information and any questions you might have.

lbjnltx

[jdtm]

To get a professional that might work, my daughter has to be willing at least to try it. I feel really stuck.

True - but, in my humble opinion, 13 year-old children don't get a vote.  No child ever wants to go to a medical professional (doctor, dentist, psychologist), but as parents, we do what is in the best interests of the child.  Besides, who is to say that after a couple of sessions, your daughter might begin to "see the light".  Anyway, just one humble opinion ... .

[BioAdoptMom3]

I am so sorry for what you are going through, and I understand as the mom of a 14 y/o DD with BPD traits! I agree with the previous poster on taking her to a therapist whether she wants to go or not.  That is exactly what we had to do with DD at the age of 12.  We first took her to her pediatrician who checked her out to make sure nothing was physically wrong which would be causing her to cut herself, stop eating, binge and purge, etc. and he gently talked with her about counseling.  She did not like the idea at all, but we made her go.  She did not seem to like her counselor after a few sessions so we tried someone else at the health care center and they seemed to click.  Taking her to her own doctor first might be an option for you too. You might also want to talk with her about what she expects when she goes.  We found out our DD had read a book about a girl who self injured and was admitted to a treatment facility with no visitors for 9 months.  This is what she envisioned when we suggested counseling, but we didn't realize that until later.  When you take her to a therapist make sure you find one where there is a psyhciatrist in the building should she need meds.  Meds like Prozac and Abilify have been a life saver for all of us!  I wish you the best in your struggle.  And, your comment about not missing her that much - I can relate!  DD was at church camp for a week this past summer and though I started to miss her a bit at he end of the week, I still wasn't crazy about the idea of her coming back home yet!  We are here for you!