Hi ugghh,
This morning as I am getting ready I go in to speak to uBPDw to follow up with a few details. As usual, the conversation devolves into her pointing out how I never respect her opinion and have undone every bit of child rearing she did. Then she goes on to say how I purposely snuck outside the prior evening to talk to my daughter away from her. I started to defend/explain that I was simply looking for the card, but then I caught myself and simply said, I am not going to defend myself for walking outside and I proceeded to say I need to finish getting dressed and get to work.
you really got to see this from your wife's point of view. Put yourself into her shoes. Image someone takes away the tool you are so used to manipulate and beat up your partner which is so needed as it distracts from whatever inner problem you got. Just think about it. Would you not panic? Would you not also throw a temper tantrum?
This was a classic extinction burst. She experienced running against a boundary of yours i.e. not being drawn into JADEing. And feeling helpless she's escalating.
Is is wise to tell her about your boundary? Well sometimes it can be helpful. Sometime is can be not so helpful.
The main aspect of boundaries is your behavior and so some escalation would have happened no matter what. Telling what is going on on your side can be helpful as it helps the other side to better navigate the situation. Telling the other side can also be wrong as it unnecessarily invalidates and triggers. Telling the other side can also be wrong for tactical reasons e.g. not wanting to draw too much attention to a specific boundary at this time to avoid more extinction behavior (game playing, testing boundaries etc.).
In your case in general it may well have been right to tell her. Establishing some meta communication can often be helpful. But then you just are beginning to change yourself and are insecure so focusing on the very basics i.e. your side and your behavior might have been more optimal. It is worth pondering about your need to explain to her which was in some sense Justifying your new behavior. New behavior is often not comfortable and you need to trust your judgment while doing it.
This stuff is hard, very hard. Nobody gets boundaries 100% right the first time. Don't beat yourself up. The hardest bit is getting started on changing yourself and that matters the most!
Well apparently stating that you are not going to defend your actions is the key to unleashing the demons - so far this morning I have been asked to return to marriage counseling (under the conditions she sets, after she terminated the last attempt), threatened with divorce, and text bombed.
When will I learn.
There is not much to be learned here as you did well. It is virtually impossible to establish the first boundaries without going through an extinction burst. It is impossible to change long established communication patterns without irritations and some upset. It is still needed and you can be proud of yourself taking the lead here
However now that you have spelled it out to her she may be tempted to game/test your boundary and it is double important to be consistent on the no JADEing front in the near future. Otherwise you get intermittent re-enforcement and that is not fun to exorcise.
Hang in there , stay your course, don't JADE the not JADEing
. It sure is not fun to go through the first extinction burst but the sea on the other side is much calmer,
a0
