Did you feel used?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I look back and am angry and hurt to realize that their version of love is "need" (fill me up). Healthy love is giving, caring enough about another person that you want to enrich their life. Every "I love you" is really "I love the way you make me feel." The emphasis on them.

I am challenged that he owes me money so I am not able to be completely NC. And I have to make nice and try not to say anything that might create the "black" feeling.

Ugh! Your thoughts?

[Century2012]

I look back and am angry and hurt to realize that their version of love is "need" (fill me up). Healthy love is giving, caring enough about another person that you want to enrich their life. Every "I love you" is really "I love the way you make me feel." The emphasis on them.

I am challenged that he owes me money so I am not able to be completely NC. And I have to make nice and try not to say anything that might create the "black" feeling.

Ugh! Your thoughts?

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes, ofcourse. We know we were used.  I'm not angry about it but occasionally shocked at the extent of it and I'm sorry you still feel that way. His debt to you keeps you connected and it seems you can't start full NC and get closer to healing.

Can you just forget about the money or is it a large enough amount to hand the debt to a debt collector or a lawyer? Can you prove he owes you this money and that it wasn't a gift?

[Century2012]

It is a boatload. But for now I will consider it lost. I do plan to revisit the debt in April. That will be one year since he started his job. We have civil court here, and they judge can ask for max $15,000 to be paid over three years. If the debtor does not comply, then they garnish their wages.

Yes, we all feel used. And you nailed it on the head. Shocked. I have shared with only one good friend. And she can't believe his actions.

[fromheeltoheal]

I only feel used to the extent I let myself be.  Lots has changed since I was in the relationship, I was NOT thinking clearly when I was enmeshed in it, but now thinking back she was very interested in whether I loved her or not and how much, but never seemed to care and certainly not focus on if she loved me; gotta cut her some slack because now I realize she doesn't know what it means to love someone.  But the way I'm wired, I just kept forging ahead, trying to love better and stronger, not seeing the abuse for what it was, thinking 'love' can conquer all.  Chasing a dream, a fantasy, that electric charge that was much more an addiction than real, mature love, in fact I was deluded enough into thinking I was 'in love' with someone who wasn't loving me back.

Anyway, she still owes me $1200 and has used that as an excuse to try and contact me since I left her, but to me it's worth $1200 to never talk to her again, and I told her that not paying debts only hurts her, piles on the guilt and shame, but I doubt she heard it.  If it was a lot more money I might go after it, but of course we didn't have anything in writing, silly me trying to show my 'love' in part with cash, so it might have gotten ugly and may not have worked.  Power to you!