Unwilling to give anymore

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been reading through some posts on "leaving" today and I have run across some things that have made me think about my current situation.

Married 18 years (together 23) to uBPDh.  I won't go into everything H has done in the past - if you are interested you can read some of my previous posts.  I am currently planning my exit.  Will be seeking out a T next week and have started sifting through materials regarding divorce as well as doing some initial looking for attorneys.  I have talked to an attorney 3 other times during our marriage, the latest being 3 years ago.

For me, what is (and has always) tripped me up about separating from my H is the actual act of sitting down and telling him I'm done... .and imagining the $hit storm that will ensue, particularly surrounding finances, house, etc.  We do have 3 kids (D16, S12 and S9).  I have tried this before and always get sucked back in with empty promises and tears and apologies. 

However, in a way this time is different.  I have read many comments about how we (spouses/partners of pwBPD) have been affected by our pwBPD's lack of affection, lack of interest, rages, etc. and for those of you who have made the choice to leave (as opposed to being left), this withdrawal from your pwBPD is what drove you to separate. 

I have been thinking about that particular observation and realizing that I am way past that.  I tried really hard for the first 10 years of our marriage to look past H's shortcomings and his temper and his porn addiction, etc.  I have tried to change MYSELF to make him love me more, hoping that he would stop getting angry, that he wouldn't NEED the porn and that somehow, my love, would make him want to change and be the person I needed him to be.  Except that my logic was gravely flawed, and I didn't realize until about year 12 that I was dealing with a beast called BPD.  H had an affair (intense physically and emotionally) while he was deployed in Iraq.  I should have left him when I found out, but I didn't because I couldn't bear the thought of my kids not being with me at all times.

So... .for the last 8 years, post affair, I think I have simply stopped trying.  When H dysregulates now, and things come to a head, I get a lot of blame coming my way (not enough sex, etc), which means to him that I don't love him.  H disappoints me almost on a daily basis.  I honestly can't stand being around him anymore.  Almost everything he does ticks me off.  I want a divorce.  I don't love him anymore.  I would rather be alone than with him.  To be 100% honest, I have actually wondered if *I* am the one with BPD?  Logically I know this is not true, but I have him so "painted black" right now that there is just no coming back from it.  As the spouse of someone with BPD, I think we get caught up in the black/white thinking in the same cycles as them.  At least for me, when H starts raging, I hate him more than words can describe.  I used to love him like crazy when he would be in his "good" cycle.  Now, I almost hate him more when he's in a good place than when he's raging. 

Fast forward a little bit to the day of reckoning, which will come in the next several weeks.  The day I tell him I want a divorce.  He will surely ask me "why?".  As much as I would love to say that it's his fault... that he has caused me so much pain an misery over the past 23 years that I am just simply done... .I realize that as much as that is TRUE, the honest answer is simply "I don't love you anymore".  The why's behind it are many.  Some of the whys are my issues, many are his, but the fact is that I have stayed in this relationship much, much longer than I should have. 

The truth is that I want a friendly divorce.  I want to split amicably.  I want to agree on everything.  I don't want conflict.  I don't want him to get angry.  I don't want him to yell at me or the kids.  I don't want him to make everything difficult.  I don't want to have to leave details to an attorney because I'm worried he is going to take me to the cleaners if I don't.  I'm worried he will take advantage of my aversion to conflict for his own personal gain.  I won't know how he is going to react, really, until I do this thing.  I must prepare myself mentally for every possible reaction he might have. 

Yet... .because, in the end, I will be the one "ENDING" this, it will be my fault. He will see that I am leaving him... .that I stopped wanting to have sex with him months/years ago... .that I minimize talking to him as much as possible... .that I don't confide in him about anything... .that I purposefully keep him out of certain details of my and our kids' lives... .that I really only care about myself and the kids.  All of that is true.  Does it matter how I got to this place?  To me, I know why I got to this place.  To him, the past is forgotten.  He just sees that he has tried really hard to control his temper and be a good husband.  He thinks he has tried and that he IS a good husband, but the fact is that there is nothing he can do to win me over at this point.  I am too far gone.  If he was honest with himself I think he would realize that he is too far gone as well, but I believe he NEEDS us too much to ever admit that to himself.  It is more important for his image and his self-identification to be able to say that he is a good husband and father, despite the fact that he isn't what we need him to be.

So as I'm reading through some of the posts today I just realized that some of you are leaving/have left your pwBPD because of their detachment from you or because of their emotional baggage.  It just made me think that I feel like in my situation I'm the one with the emotional baggage, not him, and that he will be well within his right to feel like I am the one to blame for the end of our marriage.  It seems backwards to me, and unfair.  Maybe this is what happens when you stay with a pwBPD for this long. 

Just one of the many things I will have to work through as I end this marriage... .

[nevaeh]

I have been reading through some posts on "leaving" today and I have run across some things that have made me think about my current situation.

Married 18 years (together 23) to uBPDh.  I won't go into everything H has done in the past - if you are interested you can read some of my previous posts.  I am currently planning my exit.  Will be seeking out a T next week and have started sifting through materials regarding divorce as well as doing some initial looking for attorneys.  I have talked to an attorney 3 other times during our marriage, the latest being 3 years ago.

For me, what is (and has always) tripped me up about separating from my H is the actual act of sitting down and telling him I'm done... .and imagining the $hit storm that will ensue, particularly surrounding finances, house, etc.  We do have 3 kids (D16, S12 and S9).  I have tried this before and always get sucked back in with empty promises and tears and apologies. 

However, in a way this time is different.  I have read many comments about how we (spouses/partners of pwBPD) have been affected by our pwBPD's lack of affection, lack of interest, rages, etc. and for those of you who have made the choice to leave (as opposed to being left), this withdrawal from your pwBPD is what drove you to separate. 

I have been thinking about that particular observation and realizing that I am way past that.  I tried really hard for the first 10 years of our marriage to look past H's shortcomings and his temper and his porn addiction, etc.  I have tried to change MYSELF to make him love me more, hoping that he would stop getting angry, that he wouldn't NEED the porn and that somehow, my love, would make him want to change and be the person I needed him to be.  Except that my logic was gravely flawed, and I didn't realize until about year 12 that I was dealing with a beast called BPD.  H had an affair (intense physically and emotionally) while he was deployed in Iraq.  I should have left him when I found out, but I didn't because I couldn't bear the thought of my kids not being with me at all times.

So... .for the last 8 years, post affair, I think I have simply stopped trying.  When H dysregulates now, and things come to a head, I get a lot of blame coming my way (not enough sex, etc), which means to him that I don't love him.  H disappoints me almost on a daily basis.  I honestly can't stand being around him anymore.  Almost everything he does ticks me off.  I want a divorce.  I don't love him anymore.  I would rather be alone than with him.  To be 100% honest, I have actually wondered if *I* am the one with BPD?  Logically I know this is not true, but I have him so "painted black" right now that there is just no coming back from it.  As the spouse of someone with BPD, I think we get caught up in the black/white thinking in the same cycles as them.  At least for me, when H starts raging, I hate him more than words can describe.  I used to love him like crazy when he would be in his "good" cycle.  Now, I almost hate him more when he's in a good place than when he's raging. 

Fast forward a little bit to the day of reckoning, which will come in the next several weeks.  The day I tell him I want a divorce.  He will surely ask me "why?".  As much as I would love to say that it's his fault... that he has caused me so much pain an misery over the past 23 years that I am just simply done... .I realize that as much as that is TRUE, the honest answer is simply "I don't love you anymore".  The why's behind it are many.  Some of the whys are my issues, many are his, but the fact is that I have stayed in this relationship much, much longer than I should have. 

The truth is that I want a friendly divorce.  I want to split amicably.  I want to agree on everything.  I don't want conflict.  I don't want him to get angry.  I don't want him to yell at me or the kids.  I don't want him to make everything difficult.  I don't want to have to leave details to an attorney because I'm worried he is going to take me to the cleaners if I don't.  I'm worried he will take advantage of my aversion to conflict for his own personal gain.  I won't know how he is going to react, really, until I do this thing.  I must prepare myself mentally for every possible reaction he might have. 

Yet... .because, in the end, I will be the one "ENDING" this, it will be my fault. He will see that I am leaving him... .that I stopped wanting to have sex with him months/years ago... .that I minimize talking to him as much as possible... .that I don't confide in him about anything... .that I purposefully keep him out of certain details of my and our kids' lives... .that I really only care about myself and the kids.  All of that is true.  Does it matter how I got to this place?  To me, I know why I got to this place.  To him, the past is forgotten.  He just sees that he has tried really hard to control his temper and be a good husband.  He thinks he has tried and that he IS a good husband, but the fact is that there is nothing he can do to win me over at this point.  I am too far gone.  If he was honest with himself I think he would realize that he is too far gone as well, but I believe he NEEDS us too much to ever admit that to himself.  It is more important for his image and his self-identification to be able to say that he is a good husband and father, despite the fact that he isn't what we need him to be.

So as I'm reading through some of the posts today I just realized that some of you are leaving/have left your pwBPD because of their detachment from you or because of their emotional baggage.  It just made me think that I feel like in my situation I'm the one with the emotional baggage, not him, and that he will be well within his right to feel like I am the one to blame for the end of our marriage.  It seems backwards to me, and unfair.  Maybe this is what happens when you stay with a pwBPD for this long. 

Just one of the many things I will have to work through as I end this marriage... .

[Cmjo]

You need to make a plan but should make the exit easy on yourself.

Sitting down to talk sounds scary. I wrote him a letter a few days before I left but he just hurled abuse at me. So I had to move out while the kids were at school and he was at work. For years leaving was not an option I was convinced I would be more miserable without him than with him. I couldnt bear the though of sometimes going for a day of not seeing my kids. I also desperately avoid conflict, I try to appease every situation.

You are worried about his reaction to your leaving, how he will behave etc, its like blackmail really you are terrorised into not doing what you need to save yourself. He will make it very difficult. I have been accused of abandoning him like an unwanted dog, I have destoryed the family, I left him because I want to find. Richer man, I only used him to have kids then left, I am not prepared to work things out, i am cruel and heartless that I wont accept his apology and go back.

But dont letthis put you off. There is no doubt your relationship is over, so make a clean break, and good luck!

[HarmKrakow]

I think your most important point here should be your kids. I don't want to be sounding like an ass, but you are (and him) are responsible for not letting them getting some nasty personality disorder development by the crap they might witness when you guys will split.

That means, full preparation of everything (!) before you split. You can't be selfish on this part. You just can't. You owe it to your kids.

[Traumatized]

The title of your post brought to mind the break up scene from the Woody Allen movie "Bananas," where one of the lines is, "I can't give anymore."  It might give you a laugh in the midst of your difficult situation.  Here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ettElmB0pMQ

[nevaeh]

The title of your post brought to mind the break up scene from the Woody Allen movie "Bananas," where one of the lines is, "I can't give anymore."  It might give you a laugh in the midst of your difficult situation.  Here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ettElmB0pMQ

That was classic.  Thanks for the smile!  One thing I am thankful for is that I am still able to smile and laugh even as I work through this awful situation.  My kids, my friends, my family... .I would be lost without them. 

[nevaeh]

I think your most important point here should be your kids. I don't want to be sounding like an ass, but you are (and him) are responsible for not letting them getting some nasty personality disorder development by the crap they might witness when you guys will split.

That means, full preparation of everything (!) before you split. You can't be selfish on this part. You just can't. You owe it to your kids.

I certainly didn't think you sounded like an ass... .

I will add to your statement that I realize I (and my H) are ALSO responsible for not letting them get some nasty personality disorder by continuing to live with a father who has BPD!  My S12 exhibits signs (of BPD) and he is the one (besides me) who has suffered the wrath of this disorder the most.  I also feel very strongly that it is important for me to end this marriage not just for my own good, but also to show my kids that you don't have to (and shouldn't) stay in a situation where you are disregarded and emotionally abused. 

Just yesterday, all 5 of us decided to go see a movie.  Movie went fine but on the way home D16 and S12 got into it and D yelled at S, yanking something away from him and subsequently cutting his finger.  S12 then yelling at sister that she had cut his finger.

uBPDh... ."This is why I hate going places with you guys.  You are fuc#!ng obnoxious and I hate being around you!"  Add about 3 more minutes of lecturing and you get the picture.

Got home, H went for a run after yelling at S12 again for not picking up his $hit around the house and the fact that he NEVER listens to his dad.

After H left, D16 told me that as much as he hates being around them, she assured me that he is more obnoxious and that she hates him more... .

I did sit the two kids down to tell them that I was disappointed in their behavior... .S12 just give the thing to your sister rather than taunting her with it... .D16 you don't have to completely freak out at your brother for something so trivial.  I also tell them that they know what their dad's triggers are and that they should know better.  Also share with them that I get really stressed out when they start misbehaving because I know that their dad is eventually going to freak out and start in on them and I just want to protect them from that.

Then I hear from both kids that they are stressed out too... .that I put a lot of pressure on them to behave all the time and to not cause waves so dad doesn't trigger and go into a rage.  That was hard to hear, even though I know it is true.  Fear of H's reactions has become pervasive and has impacts on behaviors but also on anxiety levels for all of us. 

So... .what you say about our behaviors during divorce is true, but I think less damage can be done (in my case) by that phase than what is already taking place on a daily basis.

You were not being an ass... .just honest.