Two year update

[stockholmama]

I want to thank you all, including some old timers (who are retired, moved on etc) for your continuing this site.

Some of the techniques in this section have worked for us, while others are still a work in progress.

We still have our "moments." They are not as frequent as they used to be, meaning instead of every 2-3 months between outbursts, it's more like 6-9 months. Having coffee thrown in my face (not hot, cold) was bad, and waiting 3 days for an apology was worse, but that's been the extent of it last year.

This year the complications and stressors on H include my in-laws living with us. He has now decided he cannot handle the stress of managing them and haranging me at the same time about what a terrible mother I am. Apparently I am turning our kids into "losers" because I don't make them tough enough and teach them how to bully, how to be rebellious and disrepectful of authority figures. The logical conclusion from this warped thought train (and I see the angryface coming back, not good) is that "this is not working, and my parents are here and I cannot leave, so you need to leave." 

In years past this kind of exchange would have caused me so much pain and soul-searching. Now I recognize it for what it is: a freak-out. It's a stress-induced freakout manifesting itself. It's a vicious, vicious attack on my motherhood, my womanhood, and everything I stand for. And i'll just leave it at that. I don't feel a need to go and defend this perspective, because I already know it's bogus. Just keep swimming.

"Okay, but I cannot move out. I just can't afford it, sorry. I'm already paying rent here. Plus it will just make the kids even more screwed up than before."

The thought train continues and he still has this angry look. I probably should just agree with his crazy plan for now then.

"So, you say you'll figure out how to manage this separation? You want 3 days kids with me, 3 days with you? [I didn't mention that 3+3=6] Why don't you put it in writing, make a separation agreement, and I'll sign it. I'd like to have it handy when your family starts asking me why i'm not there."

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SweetCharlotte]

Why don't you put it in writing, make a separation agreement, and I'll sign it."

Oh yes, for the first few years my uBPDh in LDR with me would text me, "Send me the papers. I'll sign them." Finally I had him served and was prepared to go through with it. The whole mess wound up costing me two thousand dollars, but he has never texted me that again.

[stockholmama]

So this flare up started last week, and we're now going on day 6.

We did not communicate at all in 24 hours. This morning he's back into my home office. "Well have you thought about this? What you are going to do, what we talked about?" Um, What did we talk about? "You have a plan now? " A plan for what? What is it that I am going to plan? "Because you do not respect me. This is all about respect. And you and I do not agree on how to raise our children with your continually disrespecting me."

Now, I have to admit that we do disagree sometimes. Especially about how to raise kids that are respectful and caring. (The "caring" part isn't too important to H.) I will reserve my right to disagree about throwing your kid over the barrier at the convention center because, in my view, it does not facilitate appropriate "risk-taking" and "rebellious" attitude, if that's what you desire to instill. (So we're now basically hashing over the events leading up to this freakout.) Yes, I walked away, because that is what one does when you are angry and frustrated with seeing your child being treated like some lab rat, and there isn't a thing you can do about it. Walk away. What would be a more appropriate response, in a very public setting? (next topic) and barging into my bedroom while I am getting ready for a luncheon and repeatedly asking the same question over and over, in a firm voice: "Where are you going, all dressed up like that?" If I answer the same question 50 times, do you expect a different answer?

"OH, so that's how you remember it!" Well, yes, that was my reality. It might be different from yours. I'll admit that. Isn't this fun?

"And this time the separation is going to be diffent, it will be managed appropriately." Really? Cause last time we went through this I recall a web site you put up, a very nasty one, ... ."That was about your family, not you." Well that is me, my family is me, you know. And this time, I want a separation agreement, in advance. I'm not leaving until I get it in writing, and it needs to have what I asked for in it. (no response)

Angrily stalks out of the house and off to the car. Well, I would only be so lucky (!) I mean, really, is this happening for real? I get to get out of jail free this time, and not have to involve the police?   getting another separation would be a GIFT, especially if I can get him to put everything in writing, but it's not actually going to happen. I know it's not what he really wants - what he wants is me to cave in and agree to his crazy plans for raising kids to be mean, to bully, to be assertive and aggro and take what is theirs. Okay, up to a point, but then it gets to a point where they become juvenile delinquents and unmanagable for all, and that's not really desirable is it. (I just answered my own question, hahaha)

[I forgot to add that every conversation we've had in the past 6 days I have always offered MC. "Let's go to the MC and talk about how we can bring this family together more. "  No response. Based on past experience with 4 different MCs, I can understand why.]

[stockholmama]

p.s. now that school is out, i have just realized that, in my stewing over his latest freakout over the lunch  hour, I completely missed a lunch event at the school that I was supposed to attend. This really makes me sad. And also mad. How could I let this happen? How can I let this person be such a jerk to me, come into my office, forcing me to stop whatever i'm doing, forcing me to discuss how he wants me to move out of the home, and dictating terms? Walking out of the house telling me "find someone else to put up with your sh1% ?" This is just awful. I feel awful for my kid who was looking for me today at lunch and didn't find me because I was sitting in my office thinking here-we-go-again-how-long-this-time and rehashing all the bad stuff that i didn't want to even think about !