Need for unnecessary amount of privacy?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all,

I was wondering, do any of ur SOs with BPD have a crazy hang up with privacy?  Mine didn't want anyone else to be involved in our "personal life" (regardless of how little he was responding to me).  He refuses to seek professional help because he says he doesn't want to discuss personal issues with a stranger and no amount of logic about confidentiality can hangs that.  Has anyone else experienced this?  It on the surface seems like trust but he is genuinely unable to even contemplate speaking to anyone about his details so I womder if there is something else going on?

I am having difficulty figuring this out myself.

Thanks!

maz

[Mazda]

Hi all,

I was wondering, do any of ur SOs with BPD have a crazy hang up with privacy?  Mine didn't want anyone else to be involved in our "personal life" (regardless of how little he was responding to me).  He refuses to seek professional help because he says he doesn't want to discuss personal issues with a stranger and no amount of logic about confidentiality can hangs that.  Has anyone else experienced this?  It on the surface seems like trust but he is genuinely unable to even contemplate speaking to anyone about his details so I womder if there is something else going on?

I am having difficulty figuring this out myself.

Thanks!

maz

[Accepting]

Yes, I can definitely relate. To the point where I felt he was more concerned that others were kept in the dark about truths to do with us, than being concerned about what was actually happening with us.

I think he realized he could not hide the 'crazy' from me but that he had to uphold a sense of appearing normal in front of other friends n acquaintances. I felt I was seen as 'already lost' as being emotionally involved with me rendered me 'exposed' whereas others he was still able to keep in the dark about his disorder. The facade MUST be upheld in social and work circles but with a romantic interest (me) it was too late,  I was too be discarded... .removed. I knew too much.

[HarmKrakow]

Same here.

No one knew of our troubles until the last few months. No one believed me. She looked SO good ... she seemed SO nice...

[Accepting]

Tho, mine was getting therapy - so he said.

But all requests by me to be invited along - for couples counseling - were met with strong opposition by him. I think in hindsight, that the image of himself he created with his counselor he also felt a need to uphold. Maybe. Maybe me coming along would be confronting. Cos whilst he was seeking help, maybe he didn't totally divulge the depths of his issues during his sessions.

Or perhaps he was never in counseling after all.

Initially he told me he was... .and they'd suggested he took meds. Then another recycle he said he wasn't seeing a therapist. Then our last recycle he told me he'd been in therapy the entire time I'd known him. I've no idea what is truth what is tale anymore.

[Mazda]

I completely understand!  He had such a hang up with being honest and truthful (which I still do not understand) but he told so many conflicting things that he must have been lying himself.  Number 1 hypocrite. 

He is even concerned with how he was viewed by strangers around us, Passers by, more than he was concerned with ow he made me feel or how he treated me. 

I curse the day I met him.

[Accepting]

Yep. The reason I first connected was because I felt I'd met someone who valued loyalty and honesty as much as I do. He spoke vehemently of these traits... .yet words didn't match his actions. He wanted me to cop what he dealt out privately, it concerned him intensely that I discussed what happened between him n I with my friends n family - it concerned him far more what I discussed with them and how he was perceived,  than how I felt concerned him. He would say however that he understood why my friends n family were down on him and said they had every right to be. He always said I deserved far more than he could ever offer me and that they were right to want me to be away from him.

It's like he knew everything but could not control it. It's like in moments of clarity he saw reality and tried to save me by telling me to run. Cos he knew the flip side was him using his charms to pull me in n that always lead to pain.

The last time we recycled he said he wanted so much to get it right with us but he couldn't promise anything and that included not saving me from hurting me more.

[Accepting]

Also, in line with being concerned with how others perceived him/us, he was also concerned with the physical - had to look good in public. Had to be perfectly showered n shaven/groomed.  Though he said to me one time prior to going to pick up takeaway,  'we're only going to the shops' - I was wiping mascara from under my eye after napping.  He was showering but I couldn't even clean up my mascara.

He also thought I was beautiful and was self critical on his own physique - though he was equally if not more fit than I was.

[Mazda]

Also, in line with being concerned with how others perceived him/us, he was also concerned with the physical - had to look good in public. Had to be perfectly showered n shaven/groomed.  Though he said to me one time prior to going to pick up takeaway,  'we're only going to the shops' - I was wiping mascara from under my eye after napping.  He was showering but I couldn't even clean up my mascara.

He also thought I was beautiful and was self critical on his own physique.

Yup, mine would get upset that we weren't stopped on the street and told of what a good looking couple we were (like his relationship at the age of 20 did).  It didn't matter how much I tried to explain that, at 31 years old, that probably isn't going to happen.  He would go between initially telling me I was the most beautiful girl in the world to picking holes with my weight, my body hair, (I am pretty well groomed but any slight was to be picked on), my clothing... .there was no line that couldn't be crossed.  One time he even lent me his coat and when I put it on he made a comment about being able to do it up.  To cover this up (as his friends were there) he said "isn't it nice we can joke about these kind of things.".

Trying not to hate him is really hard.

[Accepting]

They have intense hangups.

I noticed that he disliked comments I'd made on his clothing at times yet the next time I saw him he'd taken the comments on board.

Once I commented on liking him in grey more than black... .the next recycle he always wore grey yet the previous recycle he almost opposed grey in favour of black after my comment. Also when I said I liked hoodies he said they were for teenagers yet had two new ones a later recycle.  Bizarre.

He initially wanted n liked me wearing his shirts to bed when we first dated but by the end he'd be protective of his clothing - messaged me asking if I had taken a favourite tshirt the last time I stayed - I hadn't. 

All so strange.

[Mazda]

I spend hours upon hours trying to figure out what exactly happened but I just can't and it drives me crazy!

I find that the lack of any kind of acknowledgement from him or even insight into his motives makes it hard for me to accept and move on.  I try for apologies and occasionally I get them, but they are so insincere I just don't buy them.  It's not good enough.

[HarmKrakow]

I spend hours upon hours trying to figure out what exactly happened but I just can't and it drives me crazy!

I find that the lack of any kind of acknowledgement from him or even insight into his motives makes it hard for me to accept and move on.  I try for apologies and occasionally I get them, but they are so insincere I just don't buy them.  It's not good enough.

Bingo.

Seriously friend, this is one of the signals you have been in an infested PD relationship.

BPD relationships are notoriously known for their ___ed up break ups where there is NO closure, the no closure hurts and thus people seek each other people who got hurt the same way.

I have had other relationships, longer ones than the one with my ex. There I have 100% full closure, and they are now my friends.

With my ex I had 0% closure. It's like I was taking care of a kid, I was doing the dishes and she was drying the plates. All out of a sudden she left, dropped the dishes on the floor and left me speechless. She went outside and started playing with the other kids. I call it walking away from their responsibility, and it makes me realize, people with BPD, although physically looking OLD, mentally remain between 5-18 years old.

[Accepting]

I spend hours upon hours trying to figure out what exactly happened but I just can't and it drives me crazy!

I think that trying to make sense of their ways is not possible. I feel it's a sane mind/perspective trying to make sense of a crazy mind. It's simply futile. Piecing it all together to the best of your ability is kind of a necessary part to healing tho - well it has been for me. Trying to work it all out and gain a level of acceptance of what it all means/was/why. I also think that finding a cycle and pattern to it all leads you to see that there is a disorder at play here and hence there's reason for all the confusion... .all the parts that don't add up do actually add up if you accept there's a disorder involved. It's not nice or easy to accept that the person you love/d is suffering, but it does give answers to some of the 'whys'.

[Accepting]

 Before I discovered information on BPD, the most common thing I felt about my guy is that he lacked emotional maturity.

[Mazda]

Oh I thought he acted like a chld... .but I fell for his words... .how nobody else understood him, how he sincerely loved every girl and has always been looking for his one true love and has never found it up until now.  How I am everything he has always wanted.  It was like I was living a dream.  And every time I was on the few of having enough and leaving his spidey sense would kick in and he would be back to the poor guy who loves me so much and just can't control his emotions.  But oh he loves me.  Ugh, I'm such an idiot.

[Mazda]

Oh I thought he acted like a chld... .but I fell for his words... .how nobody else understood him, how he sincerely loved every girl and has always been looking for his one true love and has never found it up until now.  How I am everything he has always wanted.  It was like I was living a dream.  And every time I was on the few of having enough and leaving his spidey sense would kick in and he would be back to the poor guy who loves me so much and just can't control his emotions.  But oh he loves me.  Ugh, I'm such an idiot.

Sorry, every time I was on the verge of leaving... .Auto correct

[Ironmanrises]

Hi all,

I was wondering, do any of ur SOs with BPD have a crazy hang up with privacy?  Mine didn't want anyone else to be involved in our "personal life" (regardless of how little he was responding to me).  He refuses to seek professional help because he says he doesn't want to discuss personal issues with a stranger and no amount of logic about confidentiality can hangs that.  Has anyone else experienced this?  It on the surface seems like trust but he is genuinely unable to even contemplate speaking to anyone about his details so I womder if there is something else going on?

I am having difficulty figuring this out myself.

Thanks!

maz

In bold.

That is done... .

By the pwBPD... .

To ensure... .

That the enablers... .

Do not side with you... .

The non.

They are aware... .

They will hurt you.

That is why this is done... .

From a point... .

Of awareness.

My exUBPDgf... .

Was the same way.

If her "friends"... .

Knew how she really was... .

She would have... .

ZERO friends.

The god awful behavior... .

She displayed... .

To me... .

The very person... .

Who did more for her... .

Then all of her... .

Sycophantic friends combined... .

Is evidence of what she wants... .

Those very people not to know... .

About her.

They would hate her.

I never did anything to her... .

For even a fraction... .

Of the missiles... .

She launched at me... .

In 2 rounds... .

Of devaluation.

What was my crime... .?

I loved her.

My punishment... .?

Discarded twice.

And to show you... .

How little they knew... .

When she returned to me... .

Some of those same... .

Sycophantic friends of hers... .

On Facebook... .

Told me... .

"Ironmanfalls... .

You better treat her right... ."

Yes.

They told me that.

Now that would imply... .

That what she was portraying to them... .

Concerning us... .

And... .

What was really happening... .

Was as different... .

As night... .

And day.